(Closed) Would you leave?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know how much I would trust being around someone who knows that they need help but won’t do it because he ‘doesn’t believe in it’.  And the being in love with someone else thing is a big sign that you might need to walk away.

Post # 4
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Whoah, whoah, whoah. Details on the other woman are very important, here. Did he cheat??

Post # 5
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You HAVE to get him to counselling, either pre-marital or mental. It just has to happen. I know he doesn’t agree with it, but he really does need to go.

I don’t have any other advice, having never encountered a similar situation. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is really tough. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First, I would continue to encourage FI to go seek help. If he doesn’t believe in therapy, how does he propose to get better/healthier? It’s good that he’s realized he’s not healthy, but he certainly has a long way to go.

As far as this being in love with someone else. What?! That requires a lot more explanation. You deserve better and more than that.

Post # 8
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

Oh, honey.  Depression runs in my family, so I am all too familiar with the various, and confusing, signs it takes.  And it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.

I know you love him (thats clear from your post), but it seems that he loves someone else, by his own admission.

I think the safest thing for you to do  – to preserve your own mental health – is call off the wedding and move on.  Depression or not, he admitted to being in love with someone else.  Where can this relationship really go?  And, he “doesn’t believe” in therapy?  This just sounds like a lifetime of heartache for you…

This may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but in my experience in dealing with a grandmother and mother that suffered from manic-depression, if they don’t want to help themselves, there isn’t much you can do for them.

((((((((((((((((HuGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Post # 9
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think I could stay. I would feel like I was second best since the other woman didn’t have the same feelings. What if she did? Would he have left you?  I don’t think I could get over that.

Post # 10
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok so the depression thing is one thing – I don’t think you should be leaving someone just because they struggle with a mental illness (especially since you already knew about it).  As a partner, you should support and help and get him to therapy/medication.

But……what is this about being in love with another woman??  I think we need more details about this.  Has he been cheating on you physically?  What does he say – does he say he wants to be with her or with you?

Post # 11
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

That is outrageous, ridiculous even. How did he meet this woman? Is she a colleague? You cannot allow your significant other to continue to pursue a woman he is admittedly “in love” with.

Honestly if it were me, I would see this situation as, if there were not the (emotional) cheating involved, he would deserve my support in helping him deal with his mental health, and I would do whatever I could to make counseling happen. But that is not the case here — he does not deserve your support. He broke your trust and has proven that he doesn’t support YOU emotionally.

My vote is to leave. Without a doubt.

Post # 12
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

if nothing else before you make any huge decisions go seek consueling yourself even if you’re not very reglious pastors can be great for this and know how to handle many crisises and could perhaps provide some advice talk to you parents talk to anyone you can.

it’s terrible i’d be just as hurt and confused with him saying he loves someone else and never actually cheated and she doesn’t return the feeling that part with time could be worked out. but him refusing to get depression help is unacceptable you never know what someone like that might do. *murder-suicide* and i know that’s horrible to think about but right now you’re 1st priority is you then try to get him help.

at least see if he’d go to a doctor…they might could talk some sense into him and if not then yes as sad as it is you might have to throw in the towel. mental illness is terrible but you can’t fix him on love alone and he’s gotta be willing to fix himself. i wish you the best over the next few weeks and please keep us updated

Post # 14
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Has he support for his mental health issues, besides yourself? Are his family helpful/in the picture?

He has shown you terrible disrespect and disloyalty with this whole other woman issue, and I do believe you need to end this relationship, but I also believe you would both assuage your fears and help him by staying friends. 

I know he doesn’t deserve it: but I do think, even totally unwarranted, that you’d torment yourself for years if you walked away and he … did something. I stress that such a situation would be absolutely 100% his own responsibility, but that knowledge would not make it any easier to live with, you know?

A friend of mine is married to a man with major depression issues, and although she loves him, she often says she wishes she hadn’t married him.

Post # 15
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@BirdtoBe: Are his parents aware of his current mental state? I really hope you’re not in this alone I have to wonder if his feelings for this other woman are linked to his depression somehow? The grass is greener? Could you convince him to come to couples counselling with you so he’s not working through this alone?

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