Post # 1
I really never thought I would be posting something like this here.
My fiance and I have been together for 5+ years and engaged since last August. We just moved in together in May, and have been happily planning our October 10 wedding. I thought everything was going really great! I read Weddingbee religiously, working on all the details with the support of our parents and bridal party.
He came back from a road trip with some friends two weeks ago in a very depressed place, to the point of being nonverbal. I know that he struggled with depression in the past, but for the past 2 years he has seemed much, much happier, and I was thrilled for him and for us. Anyway, after 2 days of not speaking to me, I knew that something was going on and I was expecting the absolute worst. When I got home from work one day, there was a letter waiting for me that explained that his depression has gotten so bad that he fears acting dangerously. He acknowledges that he needs professional help, but refuses to get it because he doesn’t “believe” in therapy/psychology… oh, and that he is in love with someone else, and has been for a year or more!!
So, we’ve already postponed the wedding, and now I am trying to process what this means for our relationship. Mostly I feel completely furious and betrayed that he would keep really big things like this from me for so long. I believe that the best thing to do for myself and for my self-esteem is to leave and move on… but when he just told me about his uncontrollable depression, can I really do that? I’m so afraid of how he would feel, and what would happen. I have no idea how to handle this. If, 2 weeks ago, I was ready to pledge to stand by him through thick and thin… where does something like this fall? Can I really just throw the past 5 years away?
I’m very lucky to have a wonderful support network of friends and family to help me through this. I just want to get some objective (well, as unbiased as possible, at least) opinions!
So, have at it, WB contributors.
Post # 3
I don’t know how much I would trust being around someone who knows that they need help but won’t do it because he ‘doesn’t believe in it’. And the being in love with someone else thing is a big sign that you might need to walk away.
Post # 4
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Details on the other woman are very important, here. Did he cheat??
Post # 5
You HAVE to get him to counselling, either pre-marital or mental. It just has to happen. I know he doesn’t agree with it, but he really does need to go.
I don’t have any other advice, having never encountered a similar situation. Good luck!
Post # 6
@littlemissmango: No, he didn’t cheat – physically. During our many heated conversations about this it came out that he told her how he felt about her a couple months ago, and she doesn’t feel the same way. Still, he talks to her all the time (more than his other friends).
@afbacher: I agree! But how do I get him to counseling? If he refuses, what can I do, other than leave and fear for the worst?
Post # 7
This is really tough. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First, I would continue to encourage FI to go seek help. If he doesn’t believe in therapy, how does he propose to get better/healthier? It’s good that he’s realized he’s not healthy, but he certainly has a long way to go.
As far as this being in love with someone else. What?! That requires a lot more explanation. You deserve better and more than that.
Post # 8
Oh, honey. Depression runs in my family, so I am all too familiar with the various, and confusing, signs it takes. And it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.
I know you love him (thats clear from your post), but it seems that he loves someone else, by his own admission.
I think the safest thing for you to do – to preserve your own mental health – is call off the wedding and move on. Depression or not, he admitted to being in love with someone else. Where can this relationship really go? And, he “doesn’t believe” in therapy? This just sounds like a lifetime of heartache for you…
This may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but in my experience in dealing with a grandmother and mother that suffered from manic-depression, if they don’t want to help themselves, there isn’t much you can do for them.
Post # 9
I don’t think I could stay. I would feel like I was second best since the other woman didn’t have the same feelings. What if she did? Would he have left you? I don’t think I could get over that.
Post # 10
Ok so the depression thing is one thing – I don’t think you should be leaving someone just because they struggle with a mental illness (especially since you already knew about it). As a partner, you should support and help and get him to therapy/medication.
But……what is this about being in love with another woman?? I think we need more details about this. Has he been cheating on you physically? What does he say – does he say he wants to be with her or with you?
Post # 11
That is outrageous, ridiculous even. How did he meet this woman? Is she a colleague? You cannot allow your significant other to continue to pursue a woman he is admittedly “in love” with.
Honestly if it were me, I would see this situation as, if there were not the (emotional) cheating involved, he would deserve my support in helping him deal with his mental health, and I would do whatever I could to make counseling happen. But that is not the case here — he does not deserve your support. He broke your trust and has proven that he doesn’t support YOU emotionally.
My vote is to leave. Without a doubt.
Post # 12
if nothing else before you make any huge decisions go seek consueling yourself even if you’re not very reglious pastors can be great for this and know how to handle many crisises and could perhaps provide some advice talk to you parents talk to anyone you can.
it’s terrible i’d be just as hurt and confused with him saying he loves someone else and never actually cheated and she doesn’t return the feeling that part with time could be worked out. but him refusing to get depression help is unacceptable you never know what someone like that might do. *murder-suicide* and i know that’s horrible to think about but right now you’re 1st priority is you then try to get him help.
at least see if he’d go to a doctor…they might could talk some sense into him and if not then yes as sad as it is you might have to throw in the towel. mental illness is terrible but you can’t fix him on love alone and he’s gotta be willing to fix himself. i wish you the best over the next few weeks and please keep us updated
Post # 13
@FirefightersWife2Bee: First, I would never leave him because of the depression, but because of lying about it and refusing to seek the help that he knows he needs.
Second, he didn’t cheat, and he says he was still ready to marry me in October. But I can see that that was obviously not true, based on how he talked about his feelings for the other person. We discussed together what those feelings might mean for us (not meant to be together? not soulmates? someone else is more compatible? not in love anymore?) and he admitted that he wasn’t sure what the answer was.
The wedding’s called off already. I’m fairly certain of leaving him. But I am afraid that leaving him in his current mental state would be dangerous.
Post # 14
Has he support for his mental health issues, besides yourself? Are his family helpful/in the picture?
He has shown you terrible disrespect and disloyalty with this whole other woman issue, and I do believe you need to end this relationship, but I also believe you would both assuage your fears and help him by staying friends.
I know he doesn’t deserve it: but I do think, even totally unwarranted, that you’d torment yourself for years if you walked away and he … did something. I stress that such a situation would be absolutely 100% his own responsibility, but that knowledge would not make it any easier to live with, you know?
A friend of mine is married to a man with major depression issues, and although she loves him, she often says she wishes she hadn’t married him.
Post # 15
@BirdtoBe: Are his parents aware of his current mental state? I really hope you’re not in this alone I have to wonder if his feelings for this other woman are linked to his depression somehow? The grass is greener? Could you convince him to come to couples counselling with you so he’s not working through this alone?
Post # 16
Thanks everyone. These are all things that I’m thinking anyway but it’s good to hear them from outside sources. I really appreciate the responses.
@bakerella: Yeah maybe I’ll tell his family… there’s some weird history there but I know that they love and care for him, and they would do their best to help. They know he’s had issues in the past, but as I said earlier, he’s concealed it really well for the past 2 years. Someone needs to get him to a doctor.