Would you let a 'friend' know they aren't invited?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

In that case, no but I’ve been known to be a bit of an avoider.

Post # 4
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@Lollybags:  I don’t have much advice but am commenting to follow. This is the on thing I am dreading about getting engaged-  there is a girl in our friend group that no one wants at ANY events because she always starts trouble but everyone loves her husband.

I was planning on not saying anything to her and hoping I can squeek by without inviting her that way. My plan doesn’t seem like a good one though because I feel like I will be stressed the whole time about whether or not she will find out :(.    Maybe other ladies would have better ideas but I definetly dont plan on telling her ahead of time because then wouldn’t I have to tell her why and tell her about herself? Same thing with you. Wouldn’t you have to tell  her why she can’t be invited?

Post # 5
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I wouldn’t say a word. Just don’t invite her. And if she brings it up, let her know that you didn’t want to hurt her feelings but didn’t want her husband at your special/happy/big day. When you say he physically harmed you, did he do it on purpose? If so, there’s no way she can really object to you not wanting him/them at your wedding.

Maybe talk to someone you trust in your group and see what they think of the situation. They know both you and her much better than any random group of strangers!

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

How much does she contact the rest of your group? Is she almost entirely on the outs with occasional contact, or is she very close with a few? Does the rest of the group know your general feelings about inviting her? Would the rest be willing to keep hush-hush about any details related to your wedding if she asks?

It sounds like the friendship’s basically completely dead, but a select few are holding onto it by a thread for fear of hurting her. I wouldn’t bring up the wedding at all, and if she asked, I’d give it the ol’, “We haven’t really been in touch in over a year, and we had to end our guest list somewhere.”

But honestly, I’d just totally cut off contact at this point rather than deal with the song and dance of, “No, you’re not invited.” The friendship’s on life support as it is – it’s not really going anywhere.

I’d then ask friends not to let her know anything about the wedding time, location, etc.

Post # 7
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ordinarily I’d say be upfront about it from the beginning, but in this case it only seems you’d be looking for a fight that you already know might be coming.  I’d say nothing, why start a war if you don’t have to. plus it might seem to her that you’re doing the adult equivalent of “nah nah nah nah nah” (if you’re stating her emotional maturity level accurately).

Post # 9
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

What I would do:

I would not say anything unless she asks. If she will be upset, she will probably say something. Have your answer prepared and start off without mentioning her husband. “You and I have grown apart in the last few years and we weren’t able to invite everyone we wanted to.” Hopefully, she will accept this answer gracefully, but if she fights it or says “well Susan got an invite” then you can follow it up with “I feel very uncomfortable around your husband. I am sorry, we weren’t able to invite you.”

Post # 10
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lollybags:  I think in this situation, I would just post all the invitations without giving her a heads up. Eventually she will probably realize that she hasn’t received one, and then she can choose to ask you about it or not. She must know the reason involving her husband, after all. 

Since you aren’t really friends anymore, the “You aren’t invited to my wedding” might come off as more rude than intended… Plus you can have a canned response to give anyone who asks about it. Something as polite as you can make it like, “Oh, we’re just not that close anymore and could only invite so many people.”

 

Post # 11
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so glad we fell in love with a  medium sized venue, so I can use that, as an excuse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Lollybags:  um she shouldn’t be expecting an invite if her husband “physically harmed” you you said!! Did he attack you? Am surprised you went to their wedding?

Post # 16
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Etiquette Snob Here…

You do not discuss who is not invited — the lack of a invitation should be this communication. If there is any question, she will contact you. It would be salt in the wound to “warn” her she is not invited.

Hope this answers your question!

 

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