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I say let him smoke some pot. It's really a very mild drug and if it's a one time thing then I can't see the harm. As a one time splurge, pot is probably the best thing for him. It impairs judgement less than alcohol and it's less addictive than tobacco/nicotine.
im just worried that it might end up into having other urges as well.. like now its the urge to do pot-- next could be the urge for a drink or two.. :( I get what you mean-- ill probably talk to him today and give him that option about a week b4 the wedding, to get it out of his system <3 thanks !
I would talk to him. Why is he having this urge? Why now? I personally wouldn't be ok with that, especially if it was a part of his life when things were not good. Why go down that road again?
From what he told me.." out of boredom"- he thinks it was fun.. hes like that im not there ( long distance ) and that he goes to the gym and then has nothing else to do..
The trouble is I doubt this will be a "one time thing". I doubt he will just smoke pot this one time and then never, ever do it again for the rest of your lives together.
Like Lemma said, pot is really not that terrible. I've personally never taken part, but it's really not any worse than alcohol at all, and alcohol is totally socially exceptable.
That said, you sound like you're really uncomfortable with this (which is totally valid, btw). My question is, how important is this to you? Would it really hurt you if he occasionally smoked pot with his friends?
While smoking pot isn't the worst thing in the world ever, I think it's important that couples are compatible in this area. For instance, I drink very rarely and my FI drinks pretty often, but not to a degree that bothers me. If he was getting smashed twice a week, that would bother me at lot, doesn't matter that alcohol is legal and not "the worst he could do".
@Jasop_87:Yeah, that is not a good reason. Will that be his reason for doing other things down the road? I'm not sure how old you guys are, but that seems like a fairly immature reason to want to do something your significant other isn't ok with.
And don't let him put this on you about you not being there. He's an adult, I'm assumming, that makes his own choices.
I was expecting to read about some illicit sexual fetish. This is about pot?
It's a plant. It doesn't have chemical additives they way cigarettes do. One doesn't get hooked after smoking it.
Is it possible that his party lifestyle included some heavier drugs and that's what really concerns you? If coke or pills were involved, I would totally understand your worries.
I personally don't care if responsible adults want to partake in a little smoke or have a beer in the comfort of their own home. As long as the kids aren't there and you aren't out driving around and being stupid about it, go for it.
Some people have addictive personalities. Other people don't, Some people can just decide "I think I'm done smoking cigarettes" and just kind of stop because they are done. For other people with a more addictive personality it can be really difficult to just "have a little" and then be done. My husband's stepfather for example is 10 years sober and will not be around alcohol because it's just not a good idea for him. He doesn't even want to put himself in that situation again so he doesn't. For him, that's what he has to do because that is the choice he made to make his life better. If your fiance was an addict, then it probably isn't going to be the best idea for him, but none of us here know that.
Ultimately your fiance is an adult and this has to be his decision.
Personally I wouldn't be OK with it...I have seen what it can do to people and I also don't think it would be a one time thing. I do think it's great that he is talking to you about it. Since you are LDR he could have just done it and you would never know...and I know a lot of men who would have done just that!
I personally wouldn't be ok with it. It sounds like he might want to revert to his old ways and I would be asking why?. There has to be a deeper reason than I am bored. If I am bored I go find something to do. I will volunteer at the homeless shelter, visit shut ins, volunteer in the church etc. These things fill me up. They energize me. They give me a new passion for life. It sounds like your FI has fallen into a rut and is looking for something to fill him up. Ask him if he just feels empty inside. If he has let his relationship with God fall away he might be feeling that void. Also if he has no close friends he might be feeling low and empty. People who aren't actively working to build friendships after coming out of addiction often remember fondly the activities they used to do with friends. They aren't missing the drug so much as the companionship. I would be asking questions girl. As his future help-mate it is your duty to help! You don't have to be a nag but it can be a huge blessing to have someone ask you the right questions that make you face the deeper problem. At least that is true of me.
@mink: I guess my two main concerns are/were-- 1) I dont want him taking that road again.. and 2) the man who I got engaged to was a religous man who tried his best to please God and be a better person.. he told me hes not t he same guy -- ( not worse) ut just not as DEVOTED-- he wants to work on himself, for sure.. but right now hes just a little more " laid back"
@MrsProf: I agree-- I dont htink its such a good answer either.. :(
@secondchances: Hes a pretty active guy when it comes to the gym-- hes always going and been keeping himself busy with it... I think his friends lifestyles seem to have a bigger impact on him then he realizes it.
Thanks everyone for all ur answers! I appreciate it so much <3 ( quick note : I spoke to my sister about it an she doesnt like it a bit but I explained to her how Id rather him give it that " test run" when its a week b4 the ewdding or atleast when im there so I can be sure to be with him after it and he wont use the excuse that " im not there"- she agreeed that would b a slightier better idea then putting my foot down and saying no. Im still sad tho :(
I wouldn't be ok with it. A lot of people are saying "it's just pot" but you grouped all those negative things in his life together so I totally understand you being nervous/uncomfortable and having fears he is going backwards again. You choose to marry a man who put all those childish ways behind him and I don't think its fair that now he wants to start brining little things you thought were in the past back into the present. And what if he does do it "1 more time" and realizes how much he missed doing it and it becomes a common occurance again? He needs to just keep strong, have self control and look for more positive things in life to keep his mind off it. Hoping for the best outcome in all this, totally feel for you!
I wouldn't be ok with someone with a history of substance abuse doing it "just one more time." For those people it is a really slippery slope of "one more time" of pot to being out of control and moving on to other things.
I think I should say my point of view is a little extreme. I had a child with someone who started out smoking pot which progressed into using cocaine and ecstay on a daily baisis. We broke up and earlier this year (9 years after we broke up) he died of a cocaine overdose.
I think if it was just a one time thing it wouldn't bother me so much. It's the fact that he has a history of substance abuse that scares me. As pp said, it's a slippery slope, and "one time" could turn into much more than that. I've experienced something a bit similar with an ex, but his drug of choice was cocaine. Before we got together, he was honest about his past with it (doing it every day, and eventually going to rehab and getting clean). While we were together, he started doing it every once in a while and hiding it from me. I found out a couple times, but to this day, I don't know to what extent he was doing it. He always said that it was a one time thing, and it was the last time (but it never really was). I wanted my ex to go to counselling about his drug use but he refused. Maybe your FI could benefit from counselling to find out what is causing these urges and how he can cope in more appropriate ways?
While I don't necessarily think pot is awful, I DO think that typically people need to see eye-to-eye about which drugs they partake in. I for example have never touched the stuff, I'm just not interested. My husband has smoked incidentally but he never made it a habit and he hasn't done it since he was with me (and that was the only drug he's ever even tried). We are pretty compatible about how we feel re: drugs. I worry that for you, this will be an ongoing thing because you see it as a negative and he sees it as a positive. Neither is wrong but they're clearly not similar views and that could cause problems next time he gets "bored" and wants to try something else. Especially since it seems he has a long history of not controlling these urges.
I obviously have no problem with a little smoke now and then, the worst part about it is that it is illegal in most places. Responsible use has never been a problem and I am impressed that he feels comfortable enough to share this info with you. Personally, knowing how you feel - if I were him, I probably would have satisfied my desire without mentioning it at all.
I think the larger of the issues is that this is something that he still feels the urge to do despite the fact that you feel so strongly against it. In all of our relationships there are compromises, but I don't think that you should compromise something that seems of such importance to you. If this is such a nothing thing to him and such a big thing to you why does he still feel the need to do it?
I would not want to have to police my partner's actions. If I were you, I wouldn't make a deal or anything about this - it is up to him to decide how he wants to live, and up to you if you can deal with how he wants to live.
I agree with a lot of what's already been said; pot isn't a big deal, and it's not likely to lead your FI to anything he hasn't done before, but if you're uncomfortable with it, he needs to know that. Also, the "just one more time" thing seems iffy given his past and his recent changes in attitude. Is there something bothering him? Is he feeling depressed? That could explain his "slacking" and his desire to feel a bit numb.
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Im a regular bee- but Im to embarrased to write from my other acct--( Sorry for those who hate the idea of regular bees constnatly making new ID's -- this is really important to me ). And I also apologize for how long this might seem..
my dear loving FI- has been sober for 3 years- Stopped doing weed, prtying, clubbing, and sleeping around. He took a whole new turn in his life- became a better person, closer to God, we got engaged, he now has a great job and hes basicaly " growing up'- Lately tho, he seems like hes slackign which is fine, who doesnt u know? we all slack- our beliefs and attitudes towards things fluctuate constantly.. but he startd hanging out with his old friends who are into those things-- i dont like it one bit! and he knows it, but I cant tell him NOT to hang wth them as im not his mother.. but i made it clear to him that I feel like they might rub off on him. Yesterday he tells me that hes been having urges to try " pot' !!!!! for one more tim befor we get married- Sinc he didnt do it for 3 years - he just wants to try it one more time.. hes like I don sleep around, I dont go clubbing, I dont party- I havent done any of that -- I just wanna try that-- Its better then any other " bad " thing.. I made it clear to him that I dont like that, and its not the person who I initially got engaged too-- and tht Iw ould be to scared to be with someone who does " pot" -- I told him he needed ot learn self ccontrol and how we all have urges. Anyway, I dont want to be the type of wife who " locks up her husband and never lets have him fun" but i just dont want to be easy.. Also not to mention, Were in a long distance relationship now- our wedding is only 6 months away.. I told him yesterday " PLeaseeee dont mess things up.. the wedding is 6 months away, dont go ruining things now.. " cuz of course im worrieed that with him doing pot- hell end up doing something else, which might lead to something else tht would rsult in our breakup. :( It worries me.. Maybe I should take it easy and cool off a bit?
anyway my question is -- what SHOULD I do? I was pretty upset about it yesterday and this morning -- but ive been trying to find a way to make things seem less stressful.. I was even considering to give him the " ok" a week before the wedding just to get it out of his system-- but from now till that week before the wedding he should try to better himself and closer to God again.. ( Thinking to propse this idea with the intention that withiin these couple of months hed think more straight and find other people to better him )- we all know that when soemone tells us not to do something we want to do we want to do it more!
I dont know, What do you guys think? I hope no one tells me to leave him becuase I dont plan on it and I know that in relationships theres ups and downs. Im proud of him nonetheless for being straight up and honest with me.. shows me that he can talk to me about anything.