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Sorry, first off, not sure where this even goes under categories...
Second off, this is a vent about my FSIL....
So long story short. About 6 years she was a waiting bee who's loving boyfriend of 7 years had an amazing ring and was waiting for the perfect time to propose. She knew about this dream ring and his dream proposal that he was trying to plan...but all the while she was whoring it around (excuse the language) with a married man for OVER A YEAR. Not sure what happened, or who broke it off with who, but she never got engaged with her boyfriend and they broke up. The married man divorced his wife and 2 kids who were at most 3 and 5 years old. He is now living with my FSIL and they are planning on marrying next year.
His family basically has disowned him, cut him off, refuse to see/talk to him if he marries her. He works for his father, and basically lives off his trust fund as it is since 90% of his paycheck goes to alimony and child support (the kids go to a very expensive private school). FSIL s not welcomed within a 5 mile radius of his parents' house. FSIL loves to brag about what a close knit family she comes from and how family always comes first....I always just stare blankly at her. She not only destroyed one family, she destroyed TWO.
I find this situation wrong on so many levels, but it really makes me wonder why she would ever want to marry someone who left his wife and 2 kids for someone else....I mean neither of them scream loyal/faithful SO, but to marry someone who clearly does not value the sanctity of marriage or family?!
Thanks for listening...this was my Thanksgiving weekend...listening to FSIL boo hoo-ing about how unfair his family is being.
Hell, no. Aside from how sad it is that families were destroyed, there's another thing to consider: If he'll do it FOR you, he'll do it TO you.
If I was either of them I would not trust the other as far as I could throw them. I've never understood that mentality!!!
@Mrs Grape: Exactly. My ex-stepdad left his wife and son for my mom, and when she passed away, he abandoned me for a new family.
Back it up, I wouldnt have even bothered messing around with a married man who had two young children to start with!
@Mrs Grape: exactly what I was going to say!
If he'll do it for you, he'll do it to you. I feel so bad for those kids (and obviously the wife too)
@Mrs Grape: My thoughts EXACTLY!!!
@pinkshoes: yes, yes, let's not even go there!!
That's gonna be a marriage of two people with loose family values and questionable morals. Neither of them see anything wrong with sex outside of a marriage?? I wouldn't marry him, but I also would have never flirted with him, gotten his number, slept with him etc...
To be fair, my dad left his marriage of almost 3 decades for another woman and they went on to stay loyally married until his death, and she remains devoted to him...
...but that doesn't sound like the situation your FSIL is involved in. She sounds self-centered from what you've written. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy left his family for her and she leaves him for someone else.
Well, I wouldn't be sleeping with a married guy to begin with but I voted maybe. Who knows, maybe they'll be married for 50 yrs. I doubt it, but its still a possibility.
No way, no how. Absolutely not. I would never get involved with a man who was spoken for. Hell, I would never sleep with another man while I was with someone else!
@jjmomma: yes. she IS self centered. She feels she is the one that has been wronged. She literally said "I don't care if they cut him off I don't want their money. I want them out of our lives. I'm retiring next year. We're going to rent out French Laundry for our wedding next year. You guys will come right?" Not sure how she's retiring if he's going to be unemployed, and how the heck they'd be able to afford French Laundry!!!
That doesn't sound like a good way to start a relationship to me. If he was so unhappy at home, he should have gotten a divorce first and then tried to find someone new. At least then he could remarry with a clear conscience.
I voted "maybe" since I think it's hard to judge matters of the heart without being in the specific situation. There are people who were always bound to hurt those they love because they're basically selfish, and then there are those rare times when love comes unexpected and un-asked-for, and even if you have good intentions it can be hard to choose a life of misery for yourself. On the other hand, this specific situation sounds absolutely awful and I'm sad for everyone involved (especially those poor kids!).
After my ex-husband walked out on me and our 3 year old daughter I had this exact same thought about the other woman. Why on earth would you want to be with a man who would do that? If baffles me.
@KatyElle: Agreed. I wouldn't even worry about it. They totally deserve each other.
@yellowshoe: I wonder if she gave a second thought to those kids? They would be my main reason for avoiding him, immediately followed by what it would do to his wife! :(
@eeniebeans: I'm so sorry to hear you were married to a scum bag
@jjmomma: Whenever FSIL rants/brags about her plans with this guy and how she just wants to be rid of his family I always ask "what about his kids?" Those are their grandparents.
OK, don't eat me alive here, but I have to answer "Maybe".
Without knowing the two people involved, it is impossible for us to judge anybody for leaving thier wife and kids. Even with OP's story, it's *very* biased negatively ("whoreing around", "parents disowned him", "Living off his trust fund") so we're not seeing elements of the story that may make us think differently. (That being said, we also may still agree with OP. It's all case by case)
Story Time:
DH's mother and father divorced when he was 7. FIL married the "other woman", and they have been together for almost 18 years, are still very happily married, and have 2 kids whom DH and I care very much about.
Was it a horrible situation for DH and his mother? Yes.
Do I think that FIL is a horrible person or that Step-MIL was a homewrecker? No.
There are some instances where people shouldn't have gotten married, and they're honestly better off not being together. Sometimes that wakeup call unfortunately coinsides with one spouse meeting someone else who makes them realize they were unhappy.
I don't think it's "right" to do it, exactly, but I think that it will take time to see if it was actually the right choice in one specific situation.
@tinylittlebird: Oh I know I only have one side of the story. And I think maybe is a fine answer. That's why I put it there, I know it's a situation by situation case.
The only thing FSIL will admit to is having an affair and in the same sentence will justify the affair because his wife was too busy with the 2 kids to care for him. And that women need to take care of their men or they will cheat. YUP she told me this when she finally "came clean" to me, I'd already pieced it together throughout the years.
EDIT: I guess the part of this situation that bothers me the most is that FSIL never admits to doing anything wrong. She only complains about how people have been mean to hear and it's not her fault. That they would have gotten divorce either way. I could go on and on for her excuses and reasons she feels everyone in his family should welcome her with open arms.
@eeniebeans: Reminds me of one of my exes who cheated on me and lied to me about the most random things, just for kicks. His best friend at the time was a woman, and he confided in her about all the stuff he was saying and doing behind my back, so she knew just how much of a lying jerk he was. Eventually I found out about the lies and he confessed that he was cheating on me, we broke up...and he started dating his friend. Well guess what? After two months she dumped him because (for some reason, I wonder why, lol) she didn't feel she could trust him.
It all depends on the relationship. I cannot make a blanket decision. Anyone leaving their family is wrong, but it is possible that there were underlying factors. I know men who have been raped and abused by women- so I cannot say that leaving a family is always wrong. However, I think what makes this situation sounds wrong is that SHE was getting around- like you said- and that means they both have issues that may not lead to a healthy long term relationship with one another.
No, especially since I wouldn't put myself in that situation to begin with.
Hell. No.
Not if I were single and he were the last man alive on the earth.
I would not marry a man like that. While it's true that we don't have the back story on what was going on at home with his wife and 2 kids that may have "driven him into the arms" of your FSIL, still, it's a very disgusting situation. He really should have gotten the divorce first, which would have been the respectable thing to do, before hooking up with FSIL. Now she's viewed as a homewrecker and a whore, and maybe rightfully so, but it really it takes 2 to tango. Believe me, I'm not defending her or thinking what she did was OK, b/c she should have had the common sense to not mess around with such a sleazy man. No doubt he'll do the same thing to her that he did to his wife and kids. I feel bad for all of the innocent people who's lives this affected.
Yes I would. Not saying that your FSIL is morally in the right in this particular situation, but I can see certain situations in which marrying a man who had left his wife and children would be acceptable to me.
I think that there is waaaay more grey in the world than many people care to recognize. Very few issues are black and white, in my opinion.
No. While I empathize with people who feel that their soulmate is married to someone else and that they are stuck between a rock and a hard place (be happy and a homewrecker vs. let that person stay in their marriage and be miserable), the guilt and conscience of the decision would be overwhelming for me. I could never cheat on my husband nor allow someone to cheat on their wife with me, it would be too much and I'd never be able to fully trust them.
The question is moot. A woman who would have an affair with a married man is more than likely to marry him if given the chance. Especially a man with a trust fund.
@Eight6Eleven: I totally agree it takes two to tango. And her boyfriend is not my favorite person in the world either.
@julies1949: *like*!!!
I would not be able to do something like this. I have a very loud conscience. If someone says, "I'm married." Then, I run in the other direction. Well, in the past I did, anyway. I guess your FSIL doesn't realize that if this man could so easily walk away from his children, he can just as easily walk away from her.
@tinylittlebird: I agree with you. That being said, I would never get involved with someone while he or she was still married.
I just can't understand why the initial conversation would ever evolve past "I'm married and we have two children." Isn't that the point where you turn around and leave? Call me when you're divorced!
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