Post # 1
I was just reading a thread from a Bee who is dealing with a husband who has been abusive towards their new puppy. Personally, I could NEVER marry someone who had any violent tendencies at ALL towards any creature. My Mother came from a childhood filled with turmoil and abuse, and her golden rule has always been to marry a man who is even tempered and never lashes out.
If a man even yelled at me, I would break up fast enough to make some heads spin.. I personally believe you can never marry a man who yells or screams at you because it will lead to violence down the road.
So bees, could/would you marry someone who had a tendency towards violence? What if the violence was just yelling or emotional abuse? What if the violence turned physical? Please share!
Post # 3
No, I grew up with someone with a temper around me, and it’s contributed a lot to my anxiety, depression, and generally low self esteem. I didn’t have a choice then, but I’d never willingly put myself through that
Post # 4
@happilyeveraftergirl: No I don’t think so, but that’s a very generalized statement. If I fell in love with someone who gets into screaming matches I don’t think that’s the worst thing, nor do I think yelling eventually escalates to worse acts of violence. I have never really been attracted to anyone with a temper, or who is even argumemtive. My FI never yells, to the point where sometimes I misjudge he how upset he is. I come from a family who disagree loudly, but not violently.
Post # 5
I guess it depends on your definition of violence.
My FI has a temper. We are both hard headed and stubborn and things do get heated. Every once in awhile one of us blows up a bit. I’m willing to bet anything that he would NEVER get physically abusive. And if his anger got worse or directed solely at me (instead of a situation), then we’d have a major issue. More often than not, he is trying to express that he is hurt and has trouble doing so. It’s an issue we are both working on… and yes, I fully plan on marrying him in 4-5 months.
I don’t believe that yelling will always = hitting down the line. Anger is a human emotion.
Post # 6
@happilyeveraftergirl: I couldn’t marry or date anyone who was absuive. However, most people only accept the love they think they deserve. I am sure those in abusive relaionships did not plan on getting there.
Post # 7
@happilyeveraftergirl: If someone showed signs of physically being violent then no I wouldnt even consider marrying them.
however, I personally dont take my SO yelling at me during a heated argument or me yelling at him as violent, childish and unfortunate maybe, but not violent. Yelling is never ideal, we all wish to have disagreements and express our opinioins without raising our voice but it does occur sometimes.I dont plan on not marrying my current SO just because he has yelled at me before, and I guess its worth noting this yelling has never had any hints of turning violent, he never laid hands on me, etc.
ETA : @Jw1724 +1 about the last point of yelling foreshadowing physical abuse
Post # 8
NO WAY!! Thankfully FI has never gotten mad enough at me to even yell in our almost 8 years together. At this point, I’m thinking that if it hasn’t happened yet, there isn’t a likely chance that it will (or frequently) happen in our future.
Post # 9
@happilyeveraftergirl: No. I have had abusive relationships in the past – never again.
Post # 10
well theres yelling as a weapon (name calling, humiliation, belittling, threatning etc)
YELLING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I FEEL THEM SO MUCH GAHHH
The latter most of us do from time to time. Its pretty natural to lose your cool when it’s a charged (read: hurtful) topic.
The former is abuse, and will likely lead to physical abuse (IMO).
Post # 11
NO WAY. Unless it was verbal violence at inanimate objects (like DH likes to yell at the TV during sports games. But he has NEVER yelled at me).
But I dated a guy who wasn’t violent, except when he was knocking me around! So ANY red flags related to violence are a HUGE dealbreaker to me!
Post # 12
Post # 13
@BrandNewBride: He’s never yelled at you? Wow. I’m Russian. Our speaking voices are yelling, lol.
@Jw1724: We both have tempers too. I don’t consider that violence and I’m not worried about it. Passionate discussion, passionate sex 😛
Post # 14
I think you are hugely generalizing amd stereotyping people just for yelling. I don’t consider yelling violent, I consider it a poor ability to communicate. Would I marry a man Who showed violence or what I felt like was out of line? No. but yelling? I’m sorry I know few people who haven’t yelled a time or two.
Post # 15
NEVER EVER EVER EVER. EVER!
I had a somewhat shall we say, tumultuous childhood. I WILL have a peaceful adulthood and a calm household for our future children. I totally agree with your moms rule.
My DH is the picture of calm. I’ve seen him in all situations and all tempers, he is extremely even keel. In 9 years, I’ve never heard him raise his voice off the rugby field. He’s fantastically patient and gentle with our crazy pooch. He will make an excellent father one day. 🙂
EDIT: I see we’re mostly discussing yelling. I would not tolerate being yelled at, and I do not yell at him. That said, I agree with what pp said about the content of the yelling.
Post # 16
@MrsPanda99: High five! We have our fair share of “passionate” arguments lol. Good news is there is no grudges to be held- we get it all out and are back to normal within the hour. We are both just emotional people and our hanky panky reflects that 😉 I get ya on that!