Would you move 1000 miles with kids without engagement??

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I would not consider it without a solid commitment, but I wouldn’t even move just myself 1,000 miles from home without a ring.

Post # 4
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Definately NOT! Honestly, kids are a parent’s number one priority. They may think they like this guy, but they don’t see him every day. Bringing another person into your picture is a VERY delicate thing and I don’t ever think it’s fair to affect kid’s lives for it.

Post # 5
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!! Surely he should be more understanding and get over his past failed relationship. I mean relocating kids should trump that another woman refused to move before. Why do you have to pay for someone elses past transgressions?

Post # 6
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

I would not put myself in that position. I would just tell him that you will come see him as much as you can but you are simply not comfortable moving with the situation currently.

Post # 7
Member
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Nope. I wouldn’t uproot four kids unless I was married. While divorcing is still a possibility, there is a lot commitment for a marriage than just dating. No way ever would I move 1000 miles alone without serious commitment, with kids…. they have to be the most important thing. 

Post # 8
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Nah I wouldn’t…sounds like a great story though and the hopeless romantic in me wants to say yes but then the cynical me (that usually wins out) is like “oh hell no, what if I get there and he changes his mind” Doesn’t he understand that you’re stepping out on a limb too? and with 4 kids at that? That’s a really precarious position to be in if he doesn’t come through on all of the promises. It sounds like he wants a “trial run” for dating locally and it doesn’t work like that when you’re a parent uprooting your children’s lives….I would definitely need more committment and that doesn’t come in dollar signs. If you aren’t going to live together before getting married, why not just get married?

Post # 9
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is there a reason that he can’t move to you? If he is trying to transfer back why not wait to get engaged until he can come to where you and your family are. Uprooting four children seems like a much bigger deal than one career.

Post # 10
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I wouldn’t agree either. If it happened to me, I would ask to put off the move & reconsider since both don’t feel secure enough in the relationship.

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would do it without kids. I absolutely wouldn’t do it with kids. The fact that he is saying he wants you guys to have a chance to date before making a more serious commitment shows that he isn’t 100% on this being a lifelong partnership yet. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if you didn’t have to worry about those kids, but you do.

Post # 12
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MTmom:  I wouldn’t move 1000 miles away, until there’s an engagment ring and date set at the very least. That’s just me talking as a woman with no kids. If I had kids, four of them, I definitely wouldn’t move until I had a ring, date set and wedding date was around the corner!

You should tell him that you love him dearly and that you are willing to move for him, but you don’t want to put your children at risk by moving without a solid commitment.. Let him know that you are okay traveling to see him and he can travel to see you. You can even spend weeks together, especially since you work from home and he’s already met your kids.

Him wanting to “date you locally” sounds like he wants a trial run. When he is absolutely ready and knows that you are a sure thing in his life, then he will be willing to do whatever he has to do to make you his wife, trust me. When a man loves you, there’s no need for you to bend on this topic.

Post # 13
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MTmom:  You have four kids that are not his.  I wouldn’t move 1,000 miles just to be with that guy, especially without a solid commitment.  I would however move 1,000 miles if I had an equal or better job secured in the new location and I could afford to live on my own with my kids.  That way you could still date your guy but have your own place and secure income for just in case he turns out to be a creep or nutcase to live with.

Why does it have to be you that moves?  You would have to uproot 5 people from their daily lives, friends, schools, etc..; he only needs to move 1 person’s life.  He may be an awesome person to be around for a few days or weeks at a time but a nightmare to be around on a daily basis.  Plus, it would leave you in a worse position if you get out there and break up because the cost of living in much higher and you wouldn’t be making any more money.  Would he still help you with your bills if you break things off once you move out there?  Would he be paying the money to pack you all up and move you all out there by him?  Would he give you the money to pack back up and move back home if things don’t work out?

There way too many negative variables and it’s not a good idea to expose your kids to a potentially dangerous situation should you get out there and things aren’t what they seem.

Post # 14
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

No, I would not. 

And I am someone who gave up my entire former life, including my friends; my amazing church family; my beautiful townhouse; my wonderful city and all of the great things to do there; and my fantastic, rewarding, high-paying career with a Fortune 500 company; to relocate to a very small town, in rural area of another state, to be with my DH — but I did so AFTER WE WERE MARRIED, and I didn’t even have any children.

Uprooting your life and the lives of four children for the possibility of  engagement and marriage is not worth the risk you would be taking.  No matter what  either of you may say about how sure you are that you WILL be getting engaged and married, the fact that your SO is not willing to propose NOW, before you move, clearly says otherwise.

Post # 15
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

i didn’t read the whole thing but both of you are going to have to compromise. I would not move my children, change their schools, etc to somewhere I didn’t know anyone but my boyfriend, without an engagement. It seems to me that he can stand to compromise by giving you a commitment, and you can stand to compromise once said comitment is given. It sounds like you both love each other and want to spend your lives together, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, even if you have been burned before.

Post # 16
Member
3989 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Nope.  With four kids? No way.  There are so many lives being uprooted for a “potential” commitment. 

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