- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
My boyfriend and I have been seriously talking about marriage for a while now but we live 1,000 miles apart and I have FOUR kids. My children’s father is NOT in the picture, so it has no bearing on me moving and I can move wherever I want. My children absolutely LOVE him and he would make a great father figure for them and I know he would be a wonderful husband.
We both agree we will not move in with each other before marriage, as we have strong religious morals, but we disagree on the timing of the move, wedding, engagement, etcetera. I always said I would have to be married before moving because of a past relationship that fell through and devastated me.
He wants me to move with my four kids where he lives and get my own place, which he has agreed to help with since cost of living is higher there. He says that we will date locally for 2-3 months or so, get engaged and then get married after that. He refuses to get engaged before I move because he did that before and then his fiance refused to move (long stupid story, but true).
I am really hurt and upset because I feel like at the MINIMUM I need an engagement, but really would rather have the marriage before uprooting my life and the lives of my four children to move there when I know anything could happen. My children absolutely love where we live, but they are open to moving there since they know he is trying to transfer back. However, I feel like I am blindly moving there, as I have no friends, family or anything there and it is NOT a place I would want to live if things didn’t work out, nor could I afford to on my own. I work from home so can work from anywhere and my income stays the same no matter where I live, but this would be a MUCH higher cost of living there.
I have tried to talk to him, but dont’ even know how to approach it anymore. He thinks he is doing us both a favor by making sure we date locally before making the committment, but I feel like my family is completely giving up everything based on the unknown of what could happen (even though I am as sure as I can be that we will be married). Also, I have a good deal with my place that I am renting and if I move, I would not have it to come back to and could be in trouble finding housing that I can afford if that were to happen upon moving back.
Anyways, I would love to hear others thoughts on what you think or ideas on how to approach this subject since it is a very emotionally charged one on both of our parts. He has spent a great deal of money on me and thinks that should show me his serious committment to me without the engagement. However, I had a great deal of money spent on me in the past, including an outrageously expensive ring, but things still went sour and unlike anything I ever imagined, so I am trying to be realistic, more than I feel he is.
Sorry this got so long….I am just so upset and confused as to how to handle this and discuss it with him.