Would you move away from your SO/FI/DH for a job?

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll: Would you move away from your SO/FI/DH for a job?
    Yes, I would (or have already). : (46 votes)
    20 %
    No, I wouldn't. : (182 votes)
    80 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5966 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    @gromble:  This is a very personal choice. I think if your FI is comfortable with the situation and you are comfortable waiting on employment that’s in your area it’s really no one else’s business. People will always have an opinion one way or another. If you were going to move away for a job im sure someone would say “wow, you’re going to move away from your FI for a job?!”. You can’t please em all!

    Post # 4
    Member
    2305 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I could never move away from DH for more than a couple of months. We’re coming up on the end of his semester abroad now and neither of us has any desire to do the long distance thing ever again.

    If we weren’t married, it might be a different story, but now where one of us is, both of us will be.

    That being said, unless you plan on being a housewife and his job would be able to support that, you both need to be working. And that may mean moving to an area where you can both have a job. I understand not wanting to ask him to move, but at some point that may be a discussion that the two of you need to have.

    Post # 5
    Member
    4641 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @gromble:  I don’t think you’re crazy.. I would never be able to move away from my FI without hesitation. If you’re set on working in your field, I would certainly have your FI start looking for a job (with benefits) in an area where your options would be more plentiful.

    Post # 6
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I think it makes the most sense for the two of you to live in a city where you can both find work. If that isn’t where you currently live, then you should move.

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    22135 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Before we were married, we lived and worked in separate areas for a while. Now that we’re married though, if one of us goes, we both go. If my husband needs to look elsewhere for a job, then I’ll start job searching in that area too. I have a bit more versatility in my job than my husband does in his, so it’s not like I’d move and stay home. I’d definitely look for work there too. For us, now that we’re married, decisions like this are more about what’s best for us as a family unit than what’s best for one of us individually. But there’s not right and wrong here…it’s whatever is best for each couple/family.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1118 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    No, you are definitely not crazy.  I know that some people can do it and make it work but it’s definitely not for everyone.  I personally could not do it.  I don’t even want to have a job that requires a lot of travel and I don’t want DH to have one either.  I would get w your FI and discuss all the possible options and go from there.

    Post # 9
    Member
    536 posts
    Busy bee

    Well first of all, in my experience people will always try to give unwanted advice about YOUR situation and YOUR relationship.  The sooner you can brush it off and focus on what you and your SO want, the better.  Don’t feel like you need to be moving because of someone’s unasked-for opinion.

    That being said, this is tricky.  I agree with PPs, if your career is important to you then maybe it’s time to discuss moving to a location that has great job options for both of you.  The last thing you want is to end up in a situation where one person is sacrificing their career for the other and resentment builds (a la “5 Year Engagement” – you’ll know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen the movie.  If you haven’t, don’t because it’s depressing as hell).  Good luck OP!

    Post # 10
    Member
    3156 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    My father lives in DC for the week and commutes home on the weekends.  It’s not ideal, but it pushes retirement up significantly for my parents.  

     

    Doubt he would have done it when we were kids, but that’s a different story.  

     

    It happens and you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do!

    ETA:  I’m sure a lot of people had opinions about this when my parents made this choice but they don’t pay the bills!

    Post # 11
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @gromble:  If asking me, personally, what I would do I would not move away unless we were just dating/engaged and that’s ONLY if it was for a set period of time and absolutely necessary. Again, each relationship is different and what seems like chaos to one couple could be the norm to another. 

     

    My dad and his wife actually just did this. He got laid off from his job and because it’s a pretty specified career, there were no other places to go in state. So he moved 2k miles away back to his home state. They’ve been living apart now for like 5 months and my dad just recently told me they are not going to be spending the holidays together and a divorce is on the way. 

    Btw, NOT trying to scare you with that lol. That is one case, and many other factors came into play. Again, what works for some might not for others. I was just sharing a relevant anecdote.

    Post # 12
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @gromble:  I wouldn’t move away from my husband for more than a few months now that we have a child on the way, but anyone else yes I would.  The job market is rough and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  I think it would be wise for you to take the job and move, but still look for work in your FI’s area.  Also, at the same time, your FI can be looking for work in your area.  My husband has been through long-term bouts of unemployment and it is not fun.  It’s always easier to find a job when you have a job!  Also, the longer you’re unemployed, the harder it is to find employment.

    If you don’t have small children, then this is the time to do things like this.  Sacrifice now so you can be more comfortable down the line.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7997 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I personally wouldn’t do it… the only circumstances where I think it would be somewhat acceptable is if you’re making so much money that paying for a second place to live is negligable.. which isn’t a position that most people would find themselves in.

    My FI may end up taking a job in the future where he has to travel a lot and I won’t see him as much, but we’d still be living together… and whatever company he works for would pay for him to stay in hotels… but that’s different.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    411 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Ooooh goodness, I have a fairly similar situation. SO and I have been long distance for my entire relationship (almost a year). I studied marine biology at the coast and he’s land-locked as a state park ranger. Dad approves of him completkey, but he keeps bringing up that since I’ve moved back to be closer to hia that he should be willing to do the same for me. Being willing to move is much different than being able to move. I’ve changed my career path to self-employment so I can eventually move to be closer to SO, and it turns out I’ll be much happier being a self-employed writer and still writing about my passions than following the “expected” path of a strict biologist. 

    What settled the debate for me is this: realizing that even if I had my “dream job” on the coast,  I would never be completely happy because I wouldn’t be close to SO. And while people make well-meaning comments all the time, at the end of the day it’s your life, and a job is meaningless if you’re miserable without the person you love most. It will likely involve compromise, but if your other is worth it, you’ll both find a way to make it work. Hugs to you!

    Post # 15
    Member
    4513 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    No. Some things are more important than money.

    Post # 16
    Member
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    My advice is to live somewhere where BOTH of you can find work relatively easily. Then there’s no need for a LDR, and you’re employed.

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