- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
I’m not sure what to do ladies. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for a little over 2.5 years now. Not super long distance, but far enough away that it’s too difficult to be able to see each other every day. Due to some additional responsibilites that my Boyfriend or Best Friend now has (he just bought a property and has been really busy working on fixing it up), it’s becoming even more difficult to see each other which is making me really depressed.
He’s known all along that I’d really rather not live together until we’re engaged first. Mostly because I have a daughter, and I get the sense that she’d be more comfortable about us moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend if she knew he was her soon to be step dad and not “just” her mom’s Boyfriend or Best Friend. (I will say that Boyfriend or Best Friend and my daughter get along great). She’s 12 by the way.
So, I’ve mentioned to him that I don’t know how much longer I can handle this whole long distance thing because not being able to see him much is really making me pretty depressed and miserable. He says don’t worry. We’ll get engaged soon and then you guys can come live with me. However, his actions aren’t exactly convincing me of that. While I do think he does truly have some valid reasons to be seeing me less, this past week he barely saw me at all which really concerns me. It makes me worried that maybe he’s distancing himself from me because he’s thinking about ending things and/or he’s found someone else, but he insists that neither of those things are true. He says he definitely doesn’t want to break up and that there is no one else in the picture. He almost always calls me on his way to work in the morning, sometimes on his lunch break and then almost always on his way home from work in addition to a few calls at night. However, he’s been calling me less at night lately, and he’s also been taking longer than usual to return my calls sometimes taking a few hours (or more) to call me back. He says that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, but I can’t help but feel like even though he’s really loving when he calls me and sees me, it seems like he’s sort of distancing himself from me from the less frequent phone calls and the less frequent visits. Now, normally I really do trust him. However, I was cheated on by my EXH and him doing stuff like not returning my calls sooner when it’s late at night has really been causing me alot of anxiety.
I must admit that I haven’t been very good at all about taking the advice of you guys and of my counselor to not bring up engagement/marriage at all. Mostly because how can I not bring it up when I want us to be engaged prior to living together, and I’m feeling miserable that we’re still in a long distance relationship? I really, really hope that he’s calling less at night and sometimes taking a long time to get back to me not because he’s found someone else, but maybe he’s just trying to avoid having to hear me nag about wanting to get engaged and move in together? I can totally see why he’d maybe want to be seeing me and/or even talking on the phone with me less lately because I’ve been pretty much obsessed with worrying that he may just break up with me instead of proposing to me. (Mostly because he already broke up with once before for a few months this past summer and then convinced me to come back to him by swearing up and down that I was the one that he wanted to marry and that we’d definitely be engaged by the end of the year (2009), which obviously didn’t happen. So, since an engagement still hasn’t happened AND he’s not being as good about calling me or returning my calls as much as usual at night, I can’t help but feel insecure about where my relationship stands with him. Also, some of you may know that he invited me to go look at rings with a week ago, but then when we were supposed to go ring shopping the next day, he then “rescheduled” for the following day. No ring shopping that day either, and so he said it would happen sometime later that week (this past week) which never happened either, partially due to the fact that he barely came to see me at all. Now I’m thinking maybe part of the reason he didn’t see me much at all this past week also could have been because he either knew or at least thought that I would ask him to take me ring shopping, and maybe he didn’t want to have to deal with that because for whatever reason he’s decided he’s not ready for that?
When I tell him how I’m having a really hard time lately dealing with being in a long distance relationship with him, his newest thing is to say well, just move in then (without mentioning anything about getting engaged first). Sometimes I think maybe that’s what he’d prefer because it’s probably putting a huge amount of pressure on him for me to tell him that I’m miserable now being long distance with him yet I wont’ live with him without being engaged first. So, maybe I should agree to move in with him even if we’re still “just” dating, or do you guys think I should wait and not move in with him unless and until we’re engaged first? How would you guys feel about moving in with your Boyfriend or Best Friend without an engagement if there was a child (from a previous marriage) involved?
All I know is that these completely mixed messages he’s been sending me lately are absolutely driving me nuts. Like saying we’ll get engaged within the next few weeks or so, but yet he saw me less in the past week than he ever has in our entire relationship? Yes, I know he’s been very busy with the new house, but I’m pretty sure that he could have seen me this past week at least a little bit more than he did. Also, isn’t it a pretty mixed message to say we’ll get engaged soon yet he hasn’t been very good about calling me much at night and/or sometimes takes along time to return my calls even though he knows that causes me alot of anxiety due to my insecurity issues from my EXH cheating on me? (He has said something like he’s definitely not cheating on me. He just hates it when I make him feel like he “has” to check in with me every couple hours or so to reassure me that he’s not cheating).
I think it’s definitely time for me to institute Mr. Bee’s Backup Plan. I love my Boyfriend or Best Friend so much, but I’m really starting to get very resentful that we’re not engaged and living together yet. Mostly, because I told him very clearly because in September that I didn’t see the point of getting back together only to break up again. He reassured me repeatedly oh that’s not going to happen because I’ve already decided you’re the one for me that I want to marry, and I promise we’ll be engaged by the end of the year. So, still not engaged, and if anything with the less frequent visits and less frequent phone calls, of course I’m worried that maybe he’s actually leaning towards ending things. I mean, he swears he doesn’t want us to break up, but what am I supposed to think when he knows not calling me back sooner at night makes me super anxious but he keeps doing it anyways? I get it that he doesn’t like to feel like he’s being checked on, but it makes me resentful that he’s not calling me more since he knows that would make being long distance for now much easier on me.
Should I maybe pull back just a bit too by maybe not calling him and texting him quite so much? I don’t want to play games or anything here, but with how much I call and text him at night I can see how it’s easier for him to not be in any “rush” to get engaged since my “pursuing” behavior makes it obvious for him to see that although I’m complaining about us not being engaged yet, clearly I’m not planning on going anywhere. Any other ideas of what I can do for Mr. Bee’s Backup Plan? I’d love to join a gym as I could stand to lose some weight, but unfortunately I’m really tight on money and just can’t afford it right now.
Also, I should mention that back in November, I managed to go a whole week without saying ANYTHING about wanting a bigger commitment. Nothing about engagement or marriage or even wanting to just live together. I didn’t mention any of that and was just really sweet to him, and in return he was incredibly sweet to me and was really going out of his way to call me alot, visit with me alot, etc. So, I KNOW that dropping the wanting a bigger commitment talk really does help our relationship. It’s just easier said than done though. My counselor told me recently that she wanted me to try and not mention even one word about engagement and marriage for the next six weeks. She basically was like just try it and I think you’ll be really pleasantly surprised by how much it helps your relationship with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. I’m embarassed to say I didn’t even make it more than one day without mentioning it. I know she’s probably right and that I really need to do that, but it’s just so, so hard. Any input and advice would be much appreciated. Maybe I just need to force myself to come here and vent whenever I feel like venting to my Boyfriend or Best Friend about us not being engaged yet? Also, I’m on the Depo-Provera shot for bith control, and I think the hormones in it really have ALOT to do with why I’ve been such an emotional wreck lately. Crying literally every day, feeling totally stressed out, etc. I have sort of a natural tendency toward depression and anxiety anyways, and I have a hunch that the Depo might be making it even alot worse. So, going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about getting switched to a different type of birth control. Hopefully that will help me to chill out a little.