- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Apologies for length.
When my now Fiance and I were younger (at 22) we took a year long break from each other to date other people. It was a decision we made because we were starting to get serious, and the relationship had never been serious before. We had also started dating at 18, so we were the only people we’d ever had an adult relationship with. Obviously, after a year, we were still in love with each other, and positive we wanted to eventually get married (we’re 27 now and engaged).
During our time apart, I casually dated several guys including one which turned terribly abusive. Because I refused to date him exclusively, I didn’t recognize it as abuse until it was too late. It started off slowly: controlling behavior, cutting off my contact from friends and family, and slowly monopolozing all my time. Then the insults, digs, name calling, and using things I had told him in confidence against me. Then it got more physical.
It finally ended when my fiance saw him hit me at a party we were both at and throw me through a door. My fiance pulled him off of me, and subdued him, and told him that if he ever saw him raise a hand to a woman again, he would make him regret it. (Just to note: my fiance is the most laid back, non-physical guy I’ve ever met. That was the first fight he’s ever gotten into, and he ended it quickly.)
From there it got messy. He showed up at my work threatening to hit my car with his car and kill himself. He made enough threats and his actions were violent enough that my coworkers call the cops on him and I started the process of a restraining order.
Years have passed since then, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since (except occationally unavoidably running into him since we live in the same area).
Last night, a casual friend of mine, in a drunken state of honesty, admitted to me that she was secretly dating my “ex.”
I’m torn. One the one hand, I do genuinely like this woman, and want only good things from her. So I feel as though I would regret not warning her that he has a history of abuse. We kept what happened between the abuser, my fiance, and myself very private, so she isn’t aware of what happened. She only knows that we are no longer on speaking terms. I like her enough that she absolutely would expect an invite to the wedding, and I’d be more than happy to have her there.
However, she and I are not terribly close. While she and I enjoy hanging out, we’ve never really brought our friendship past that “fun” level. We are friendly, but if I lost her as a friend, I wouldn’t be devastated. So I’m not sure if my warning would fall on deaf ears, if she would assume that their relationship if different, or if she would assume I’m being petty. Frankly, I’m not sure it’s my place to say anything about her relationship and I’m not sure she wants to hear it.
So, would you say anything?