Post # 1
So, a few months back, I was surprised to get a text from a former fellow law student asking for my address so she could send me an invite to her wedding. I sent her my address and what she actually sent me was a STD for her wedding in Greece! This is not a close friend and I haven’t really spoken to her since graduation. So does, however, know that I am planning my own wedding. There is no way I am going to foot the bill to go to Greece for her wedding just a few months before my own.
I figured she’s just after gifts and was kinda surprised she targeted me, since I have heaps of student loans and my own wedding to pay for, so it’s not like I’m loaded. I figured maybe I’d send a nice gift when the actual wedding rolled around. My own wedding is quite small and while I this person, she’s more acquaintance than friend and didn’t make the cut. I was feeling a little guilty about this and a little guilty about thinking she’s just in it for the gifts until I opened the mail last week. In it was an invite to this girl’s bridal shower. I barely know her! I doubt that I know any of her other friends at the shower except maybe a few more law school acquaintances I’m not close to. I wouldn’t want to spend a whole afternoon with all these strangers.
Also, it is prominently stated on the invite that the bride is registered with a boudoir photographer. I just don’t think that I should be asked to contribute to her naughty photo portfolio. I’m not a prude and would even consider doing boudoir pics for my own FI, but I wouldn’t ask anyone else to pay for them. Am I the only one that thinks this is strange?
So, now I’m pretty turned off by the whole thing. I’m fairly certain she is just in it for the gifts and I don’t want to contribute to the boudoir photog. Now, I realize that no one is actually obligated to give a gift in any situation, but etiquette and reality are not always the same. So, my question is, what would you do in my situation?
Post # 3
I would send her my regrets for the shower and not worry about getting a gift for that one. For the wedding I would either send a nice card or a small gift depending on what my financial situation was and just how anti-gift grabby I was feeling at the moment. 🙂
Post # 4
i would also decline the shower and wedding. then just send a nice card. i’ve also gotten some invites out of the blue like that and never know what to do and it often seems they are fishing for gifts.
Post # 5
From the other perspective, I invited a bunch of people to my wedding knowing that they probably would be unable to come. I don’t expect gifts from them. You shouldn’t feel at all guilty about not sending a gift.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t go to either. I wouldn’t contribute to her boudoir photos. I would however, send a small gift for the actual wedding. Don’t assume she is gift grabbing, that’s not really fair to her, just a small token to let her know you are thinking of her would be appropriate.
Post # 7
There is a very real possibility that she feels closer to you then you do to her. Don’t feel like to have to send one or more gifts but I would definately send a card. If it’s in your budget to send something meaningful to a fellow law student..do it. If not, skip it and forget it.
Post # 8
Decline invites and send a small but personal gift to her. Personalized stationary is always nice and usually can be put to great use! Esp since she will be having many thank you notes to write in her near future.
Post # 10
I really like laural gift idea with a nice card.. I wouldn’t send money to her pictures, that’s just a little ridiculous if I do say so myself. I agree on going though, I wouldn’t wanna spend my day with an acquaintance and a whole bunch of strangers either. Just send your regrets 😀
I don’t know if she is fishing on gifts or maybe she just doesn’t have that many friends :(. It’s not uncommon..
Post # 11
I’d send a card for the wedding. I don’t really think that a gift is required in this situation.
Post # 12
All I can think while reading this post is, "oh God I hope my roommate from college who I’ve merely exchanged Christmas cards with for the past 12 years don’t think I’m gift grubbing by inviting them to my wedding." I’m not looking for gifts, I genuinely want these people to celebrate with me.
This woman may not have many close friends and you may have done something kind for her that stands out in her mind, making her feel closer to you than you, she. All that being said, however, I don’t think you should feel compelled to attend her shower or to give her a gift requested by the person throwing the shower. I like the suggestion of giving her personalized stationery as shower gift.
I do think that you should consider sending her a wedding gift, if she sends you an invitation. I have student loans coming out my ears, but spending $100 to make someone else happy on their wedding day and to show my support for their marriage is worth the dent it will make in my monthly budget.
Perhaps I’m giving her too much credit, maybe she is gift-grubbing, but personally I would be the bigger person, give her the benefit of the doubt, assume she feels closer to me, and I’d send a gift.
Post # 13
Hm, I’d never considered registeries for boudoir photography
I’d be more than happy to contribute to a friend’s boudoir registry! They aren’t cheap and if that’s all she really wants, well, I’d have no issues. Then again, that’s a CLOSE friend. I’d feel weird gifting that for someone else. I’d probably gift lingerie FOR the shoot though. Then again, I have a friend who’s having a lingerie shower.
Maybe she’s not gift-grubbing, who knows. maybe she just is one of those people who feel the need ot invite the whole world. One girl I went to school with invited our entire sorority house. Not sure why, I never could stand her in college and it was like, ‘wtf is this a joke?’ because we were definitely less than acquaintences. I found out through the grapevine she felt like she HAD to invite EVERYONE, so maybe that’s this girl.
If she’s just an acquaintence, i wouldn’t feel bad not sending money. I usually send gifts only to people whom i’m closer with if i can’t go to their wedding. Sometimes i just can’t afford a nice wedding gift for someone with whom i rarely speak with save a facebook message here adn there or who i was close with oh, 8 years ago, but haven’t had lunch with since. It’s ok! Cards are nice, but shoot, i don’t even always remember to do that,.
Post # 14
That is definitely a little bizarre. I would just decline and send a card like others have suggested. I would not feel comfortable feeling obligated to give a gift, and I would not want to contribute to someone’s boudoir photos, especially someone I’m not close with!
Post # 15
Send regrets and a card for the wedding…
This is just my personal opinion, but I think showers are already sort of gift-grabby themselves…asking for money to have a boudoir shoot…very grabby.
If you do send a gift, I would do a small one that wouldn’t hurt the budget. $100 can be a lot of money when your paying back loans and having your own wedding (I hear you completely). Go with an amount that you won’t fret about later.
The fact that she sent you a random text message instead of taking the time to actually call to me says a lot. If she really wanted you at her wedding, wouldn’t she also want to have a short catch up convo and then ask for your address? I’d think so.
Post # 16
I’d definitely decline the shower and not send a gift for that. The shower invite may have nothing to do with her (just an invite everyone on the guest list sort of thing), no matter who invited you to it – my opinion on showers is if you don’t go, don’t send a gift (especially for people you aren’t close with).
As for sending a wedding gift… I’d base that on how close you were in law school, how long it’s been since law school and your current budget, then send what you feel is appropriate – be it a card, or small gift.