Post # 1
My Future In-Laws invested a huge chunk of change into an investment property with my Fiance years before we met. When we got engaged they brought up the idea of a pre-nup to protect their investment, which I totally understand. My Fiance said he didn’t think we needed one and I tend to agree, but we’re about to go visit his parents and we think that with less than 90 days until the wedding, if they are going bring it up again, it will be during this visit.
So last night we started talking about our assets, our investments, our plans for the future and what we think is fair if we end up divorced. For the record, we totally believe in our relationship and have no intention of getting divorced, but we want to present a united front to his parents if/when they bring it up, so we decided to spend some time talking about it.
I have to say that looking at all of these scenarios (what if one of us stays home with the kids and has no income when we split? what if I make more money? What if he does?) actually made me feel closer to him and made me believe in our marriage all the more. Sitting down and discussing, when we are crazy in love and happy, what we would do if someday we aren’t seems to me to be a very practical and loving thing to do instead of waiting until (god forbid) we hate each other and split up. Since we aren’t caught up in the emotion of a divorce, we were able to make some decisions that let us both know we will be ok should the absolute worst happen.
Is anyone else signing a pre-nup? How did hashing out the details make you feel?
Post # 3
I think it’s good to talk about, but we personally have absolutely no reason to sign a pre-nup because we don’t have anything. R has maybe $500 worth of investments that his parents bought for him a long time ago. I have… um, a $$$ eating horse who was $125 from the BLM (I love her to death.)
So it wasn’t even an issue for us, but I could see how it would be important for a more established couple.
Post # 4
I think that you can think a pre-nup is “practical and sometimes necessary,” but also “be in this for life.” I voted for practical and sometimes necessary, but I just wanted to point out that just because I would want a prenup doesn’t mean that I think that I’m ever going to get a divorce. This topic has come up a few times on the boards, and it’s always a heated one, I think.
Post # 5
@Boston Bee – you’re totally right, and I never understand why. It’s a private decision.
Post # 6
I definitely think that it’s a good idea to talk about the what ifs and to be a united front as a couple, but I don’t think I could ever sign a pre-nup. To me, the pre-nup would feel like a giant “but” on the marriage vows. “Like til death do us part, but…”
I also get the security that comes with talking about the realness of a marriage. Fiance and I always feel a lot better about our relationship each time we have to really sit down and address our fiances and our financial goals head on.
Post # 7
I’m a law student, and I wouldn’t sign one haha. I think the practical reasons definitely favor one – investments with less risk than marriage have contracts, why shouldn’t marriage? I think emotionally is where I’m hesitant. Also, it’s easier not to if neither of you have assets :p
Post # 8
I wouldn’t have an issue with signing a pre-nup, however Fiance and I decided against it. We both own homes and have 401Ks and pension plans and stock and all that jazz but we believe that everything we have prior to marriage will be shared equally during marriage. We did go over every possible scenario and our individual views on it before coming to that decision…such as…who gets what if heaven forbid, we divorce. How will we divide assets among current and future children…etc etc. We have both mutually agreed that pretty much everything that we want spelled out, can be spelled out in our wills so we didn’t see the need for the pre-nup.
Post # 9
pre-nups get a bad wrap but honestly they are very necessary if you have any assets. i’m 31. i own a condo/car. one of the businesses i’m involved with requires it.
the process of doing the pre-nup has been very informative for me. i think its important to have full disclosure of your and your FIs assets and debts. these are hard discussions just to randomly ask about, but it is part of the pre-nup process. it gives us a way of talking about these things in a non-threatening way. the process also helps you learn about each other and SHOWS me that Fiance wants me for me and is not marrying me for my assets. if a partner objects to signing a pre-nup, i think it can be seen/felt that perhaps they are only in the marriage for money – why else would they have a problem with it? a pre-nup is almost greater proof of commitment to the relationship.
of course everyone says we don’t plan to get divorced. no one PLANS to divorce. and i wrestled with this for awhile. but then i came up with 2 exceptions. we will divorce if there is any kind of abuse of me/children or in the case of infidelity. Fiance knows that these are my no-discussion needed cases for divorce. of course i can’t imagine a time when my Fiance would EVER do either of those things, but it helped me in coming to the conclusion that you can never really say NEVER.
also, in talking to a lawyer – there was a TON of discussion and provisions about death – more so than divorce. like what does your Fiance get in you live a long happy 50 year marriage? what does he get if you die on your honeymoon (god forbid). i was surprised by all the death talk but it actually made me feel better about the whole pre-nup process b/c its not ONLY for divorce.
plus Fiance knew basically from date #1 that we would have a pre-nup, so he’s always been fine with it. i could understand people getting miffed if it suddenly came up 3 months before the wedding.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I think it’s a good idea to discuss. We’re not doing one, but that was only after discussing our options. Since we live in a community property state and the only other places we would move to are community property states, and we like that system, we’re just going to save the money on lawyers. 😉
Post # 11
Noway, I make 3x’s more than my Fiance and he has big family money. But I feel like a prenup is a verbalization that we are planning on running away when things get rough. We have been together for 5.5 years and we both acknowledge that there are times that 1 or both of us will want out but that is not an option. Why make getting a divorce easy? We fought hard to get to this point and if one of us wants out we are going to have to fight just as hard
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
@waitingbee: Actually, not having a prenup doesn’t mean you have to fight to divorce–having a prenup doesn’t make it any easier to divorce; it’s the same paperwork, really. All that happens is that you get to fight about property distribution later instead of sooner, and all that fight would do is make a divorce much uglier, more expensive, and longer.
BUT I’m glad you are both so committed to your relationship. 🙂 I hope we all are!
Post # 13
Jason will be having me sign a pre-nup and I am completely fine with it! His ex wife took complete advantage of him in their divorce, and I want him to know that I wouldn’t do that to him. I know we can make it through anything, but in the event something terrible happened, we would both be ok, I think that is important. 🙂
Post # 14
Mmmm, they’re not for me. I don’t have anything, he doesn’t have much, and I doubt getting a prenup would save us any pain.
Post # 15
yup! i would have no probs signing a pre-nup. just wouldnt bother me really…
Post # 16
We didn’t sign a pre-nup, but I would have if he’d asked me. I totally believe that if you truly love someone and believe in the relationship, then signing a pre-nup is one more way to demontrate that love. Your marriage may not work out, and it may have nothing to do with loving each other or not. But if you really love each other, a pre-nup is a way to make sure you are BOTH taken care of in the worst case scenario.