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I'm watching Jilted and the groom gave one of the bridesmaids a pre-nup to give to the bride. She wigged out!
So, what if your groom gave you a pre-nup hours/days/weeks/ect before the wedding. Would you sign it? Would you call off the wedding?
If my FI gave me a pre-nup I would throw that shit in his face and walk away. Immature? Sure. But I feel like pre-nups are saying "Hey...let me protect my ass if we get divorced." When divorce shouldn't even be an option. There is no amount of love in the world that would make me sign a prenup. I can honestly say that I would walk away from the relationship.
ETA:
You guys are way off. The question was, "What if your groom gave you one before the wedding." not "What if you both talked about it and came to an agreement?"
So..let's start over.
@Miss Tattoo: After watching a movie where a pre-nup came up, we briefly talked about it. But since we're both poor students neither of us has any assets to protect. I agree though, it seems weird to me because it's like you're expecting the relationship to fail.
I voted yes because he actually has a lot of family assets that I honestly have no right to, but I could probably get in a divorce; however, I can be very spiteful if I'm angry (which I probably would be if we were going to get a divorce). Also, I wouldn't want it just thrown on me. We'd have to talk about it first, and since I'm a SAHW, I'd want him to agree to take care of me just a little until I could get back on my feet. But I totally understand where it would be hard to take if it was out of the blue and right before the wedding.
Prenups seem so depressing :( I'd feel awful, but I am a very sentimental person lol
I agree. I can understand if someone was burned by a previous marriage that they might want one, but for myself personally, I can't imagine wanting one/signing one.
There was an article on glamour about divorce insurance that seems pretty similar as far as expecting your marriage to fail. If I had any doubts/concerns, then I wouldn't be getting married. They even offer a gross divorce probability calculator (we scored in the average probability range...I had to try it):
http://wedlockdivorceinsurance.com/Divorce_ProbabilityA.html
While I was watching My Big Friggin Wedding the other day (and the one groom to be kept saying "no pre-nup, no wedding!"), I thought a bit more about pre-nups and I really strongly feel like that is something that needs to be discussed BEFORE the proposal/planning begins.
I voted Yes but not because I would do anything for the man I love. FI and I actually considered having a pre-nup. I don't see it as you are expecting the relationship to fail but more as a protection of your assets (especially things like retirement, IMO). FI and I both have divorced parents and in both cases one of our parents took way more than they should have from the other (again, retirement being the big one). FI and I both have good careers and make our own money so it seemed like a good idea to secure what was ours. Let's face it ladies, we never know what will happen. Women today have more earning potential than they have ever had. We need to protect what we work for regardless of whether our marriage lasts forever or not. Of course, FI and I have been discussing this since I am the one who brought it up. He is fine with it and I don't think it needs to go overboard until someones feelings gets hurt. Just the basics that obviously belong to a certain person.
My FI and I will be signing a prenup... my philosophy is that it's a heck of a lot easier to plan a divorce when we still love each other and can have a civil, objective discussion. We live in an equity property state (not a community property state) so it is very important to us that FI and I decided how to divide the assets, not a judge/jury.
Plus, I had a few friends whose parents went through awful drop-down-drag-out divorces during middle/high school, and that type of environment is just totally unfair to your kid. These were not divorces where abuse was involved, but where $$$ and kids were bargaining chips to manipulate.
@Pwitty: lol I took the test and it basically said because I'm black I have a high possibility of divorce.
@Miss Tattoo: I usually agee with you but I disagree with you on this one Miss Tattoo. My SO and I both have assets and I have assets that have been in my family for generations that are simply off limits. Whatever we acquire or earn during the marriage is fair game. Why would someone be entitiled to something I had prior to ever meeting? Hmmm no. We are disclosing everything to one another and in most cases we will be listed as POD unless it is something that belongs to the family and will continue to be passed to my relatives.
There are tons of scenarios that are way less dramatic than the one you described. Many couples enter into a pre-nup process collaboratively and with mutual respect at heart. We have one that we drafted together to protect both ourselves and each other if things don't work out (which, of course, we don't expect to happen). It was wonderful learning for us to sit down and have those hard conversations and totally worth it.
I agree with @MissBoston. I will be signing something akin to a prenup because my DFi owns a business. I think its more funny than anything, and it's not like I'm signing it because we're planning on getting divorced. Basically it's just going to state that if we do end the marriage at some point, I can't take over the company and run it into the ground to make bank. I'm fine with signing it - but I hope DFi remembers to get this done more in advance than the day of the wedding! 
We are signing one. We both come from a lot of money and need to think about not just us but our families when it comes to this. You never know what's going to happen in life and while it might not be romantic its also not a bitter horrible thing to do. In our situation it would be a selfish irresponsible thing to not do.
I signed one and have no issues with them. I don't expect our marriage to fail, so as far as I am concerned it's his security blanket after his ex put him through a nasty divorce.
We're also signing one. We didn't look at it as planning a divorce, but protecting assets we had before the marriage, and which we'll share during the marriage. I'm also a resident of Virginia, and in our state, you can't shove a prenup at your future spouse the day of. There's a grace period, and we both had to have separate attorney's. It's actually going really smoothly and I'm glad we're doing it.
In our situation there is no need since I am the bread winner. But with some of my exes who come from very wealthy families, I know I would have needed to sign one and thats okay. I have no right to money that isn't mine.
I don't see a pre-nup as expecting the marriage to fail any more than life insurance as expecting someone to die. FI has life insurance and I am glad JUST IN CASE. I view prenups in the same way.
If I was marrying someone with children then i would sign a pre-nup OR if I had children then i'd consider a pre-nup. I think it makes sense to protect children.
I would sign on--there are lots of reasons to have a pre nup, such as children, family business, lots of wealth, lots of debt, etc. It should be something that comes up before you're even engaged, though. At some point, I can't see it not being discussed. "just in case" doesn't mean you're dooming yourself to divorce. In some situations, it's just not being naive.
I would have no problem with it if it was brought up respectfully ahead of time.
Somebody shoving on in my face when I'm already dressed in my wedding dress... ummm.. no.
We talked about having one, but we got together three months out of university, and neither of us has any "family money" or anything coming our way, so there was really nothing to protect.
You guys are way off. The question was, "What if your groom gave you one before the wedding." not "What if you both talked about it and came to an agreement?"
So..let's start over.
I think it depends on the situation. In our case, neither of us has any assets to protect. However, if he DID have assets to protect, or if I did, I would be fine discussing it and signing it if we had talked about it beforehand and both agreed to it.
However, if a guy said to me "You're signing this. End of story" I would be pretty miffed.
To me, the issue is that you have to agree to it as a couple. I am realistic about marriage- divorce happens sometimes, even to the couples you think are going to be together forever. People grow apart, events sometimes happen that are beyond your control that push you apart, and sometimes it's better to get out than be miserable. Not ideal, but it happens.
So if my FI were to bring it up to me nicely and we talked it all out first, I would be ok with it.
If my FI waited until the last minute to give me a pre-nup then I'd be pist as hell. What kind of partner doesn't talk about that stuff early on? It's like getting married and then telling your husband/wife you don't want kids. You need time to work out BOTH sides of a pre-nup, they aren't and shouldn't be one-sided documents. A partner that wouldn't consider the other person's need for time to have it reviewed and amended, is not a partner I want.
I did a poll on this:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fun-poll-prenup
If one person is so passionate that he/she will not sign one and will walk away without discussion or compromise, that leaves a taste too.
It's tacky to do it on short notice though.
If he just shoved it in my face? No. But if it was given to me a few months before the wedding, we'd talk about why he felt it was necessary and as long as it was a fair pre nup, i'd have no issues with it. But if one was given to me, i wouldn't just flip out, i'd be asking why and probing its need. Plus, i thought you each had to have a lawyer present in order for a pre nup to be valid?
i have a feeling this situation was made ultra dramatic and unrealistic for the sake of television....it'd be pretty jerky to just give your FI a pre nup and say "you're signing this or there's no wedding!"
I think you need an 'other' or a 'depends' option.
If he or I had a ton of money, yeah, I might sign one but we're not rich, so I wouldn't need one.
@Pwitty: I just did that divorce rate quiz you posted! I had to! When I put in our current information (we're both in grad school and our jobs pay for tuition plus a stipend, so on paper we don't make much) and it gave us a higher than average chance of divorce. However, I changed ONE THING (our family income, lowballing based what we will likely make after graduating) and it instantly made us jump up to low probability.
Interesting how income affects your chances!
okay in Jilted, where he sends a BM over with the pre-nup hours before the wedding is NOT appropriate at all (neither is giving your BF an ultimatum to marry you in a week, but that's a different issue). you aren't "given" or "presented" with a pre-nup - its a negotiation back and forth between two parties.
we have a pre-nup. i always knew i would and now hubs knew i would from our first date. its called being smart. also because i have a family business. if you are marrying someone with assets greater than yours, who wouldn't you want to sign one? it shows that you are NOT marrying them for their money.
bottom line is you NEVER know what could happen. 10 years down the road, you guy could develop a major drug problem or a violent type of schizophrenia and become an abusive alcoholic. can you really say with 100% certainty that everything will be perfect 20, 30 years down the road? of course you can't. divorce is not an option of me except in the cases of infidelity or abuse of myself or children. that's all. i don't think in a million years that that would happen, but again, you cannot know the future.
two really good things about pre-nups: 1 - actually going through the pre-nup process helped us a lot to talk about money and financial issues, the role of money in our relationship and future and lots of other related topics (paying for private school vs public school etc). it provided a reason to talk about these issues, which unfortunately, many couples do not talk about before marriage. 2 - also, what many people don't know is that large sections of the pre-nup are about death and what happens then as opposed to divorce (in some ways, divorce is the simpler section). i want to make sure my hubs is taken care of and the pre-nup provides for that.
i think to say you would just walk away from any relationship if presented with the possibility of pre-nup is very short-sighted.
Edit: okay i just saw your edit. if presented with a pre-nup on the day of the wedding, i would probably call off the wedding. not because of the pre-nup itself but becuase of the lack of communication, possible lying etc. regardless of what you do, i think all engaged people shoudl talk about and a consider the question of a pre-nup and have discussions about it and therefore, it popping up on the day of the wedding would be a major issue to me.
@Miss Tattoo: lol, it's a good thing it's a meaningless calculator/cheap sales ploy.
Maybe you could add a 3rd option to the poll for the bees who are the ones asking for a pre-nup or collaborating on one.
To each their own and I know this can be a heated topic, but I wouldn't compare a pre-nup to life insurance...at some point we will all die- that's a certainty.
There are a lot of valid reasons for a pre-nup posted above, but it is an extremely personal decision. For me, if I felt I needed a pre-nup, then I would not get married. We've already been living together for longer than some marriages last, our relationship has been through some of the worst trials I can imagine and honestly, it's only stuff. It makes me feel sick to even think about, but in the event of a divorce, I wouldn't care about material things.
I know it was TV, but can't we all pretend to think what we would do in the situation that a prenup is presented to us before the wedding? Is this really hard to do?
When you put "weeks etc." it left people flexibility...lol
I do think you are bluffing about just walking off (even if not literally). Nobody wants to be embarassed and have an emotional breakdown so you'd probably try to convince him until the last second and then one of you would have to make a decision about announcing and calling off the wedding...messy.
I think the attitude at the last second should be to say that you wouldn't sign it (if it was not fair) but that you'd be willing to do a post-nup once you have time to look at it and make sure it is fair. You should make the other person walk off...not you. JMO
Since we've talked about it before hand I will gladly sign one (my FI had a rough divorce previously) and we don't plan on getting a divorce, but he didn't plan on getting a divorce the first time either, we would rather be safe than sorry.
However if we hadn't talked about it before hand and I was faced with one the day of the wedding I would feel a little blindsided and probably be upset.
Did this girl really give her boyfriend an ultimatum to marry in a week?
If so, she's asking for it!
If he has something willing to protect, why not!
I would sign one right now anyways!
What if SHE is the bread winner in the family?! So he gets to take HIS half too then!
I think it puts each person on an equal level! So no one is marrying anyone for the wrong reasons!
If you love them, respect them and trust them, whats the big deal?
** I would almost compare it to the waiver you sign before bungee jumping! You know that you are self-willing and if an ACCIDENT happens, you cant suit and take their money/assets for something that "could have happened to anyone." And if nothing happens and you safely finish the jump, then no worries! You go about your life as if NOTHING was ever signed! And by all means I know marriage isnt like bungee jumping lol was just trying to compare it to something
I like that analogy.
Yup...sometimes divorce can e messy and the odds unfortunately are 50%. My favorite is when I hear one partner say he/she wouldn't WANT the other person's money. Once the divorce process starts sometime there is so much anger that even if the person doesn't want it, if he/she knows taking it would upset the other person, that's exacly want he/she wants to do. Sometimes lawyers will change a persons mind about what he/she wants. lol It can be more painful and expensive without one.
If DH had given me a prenup a week before the wedding, with no previous conversation between us about having a prenup, I don't think I would sign--I would want tohave time to look it over, and I would wonder why he was springing it on me all of a sudden. HOWEVER, I have no issues whatsoever with prenups in principle, when they're done in a manner fair to both parties (aka, not sprung on one person all of a sudden!). I don't really get the argument "Well, signing a prenup means that you're more okay with divorce, or leaves the door more open for divorce." Does signing a waiver, as @CupcakeMeg said, make it more likely that you're going to die? Prenups aren't necessary/practical for everyone, but in certain cases where they ARE, it's smart to have one.
First off, the show Jilted is a horrible example for ANYTHING wedding related. Yes let's give the man an ultimatum and then march him down the aisle where he'll either say yes or no and we can all gawk and your reaction. Fascinating the people who agree to this stuff. I mean if you're really sitting there crying because you're terrified he will say no that says something about your relationship. UUUUGHHHH
/end rant
Now on to the pre-nup. It depends on the circumstances. If my SO and I were to get married this year it would be stupid to sign one. He's a teacher and I'm a year out of college trying to get into grad school. WE HAVE NOTHING. lol. We're not getting married this year (but hopefully engaged this summer!!!!), and I don't see our respective "fortunes" changing before we do.
BUT--you also have people like Jessica Simpson, who's worth over 100 million dollars and is under fire for not wanting a pre-nup (she lost about 10 million to Nick Lachey for that same reason). When your net worth is 100 million dollars--YOU GET A PRE-NUP. It's stupid not to when that much money is on the line. Now I could go off on a tangent and talk about how her life is kinda like the show Jilted (that poor girl--the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...). I mean she got engaged a week after her ex?? To a guy without a job?? And she's worth 100 million dollars?? And her friends say she must have bought the ring herself because there's no way a guy without a job could afford a $100,000 dollar ring??
These are the situations that need a pre-nup.
In conclusion--it just depends. But what groom gives the pre-nup to a BM to give to his bride? Oh yeah...someone on a trashy reality show.
/2nd rant over
I would have a really hard time signing one. IMHO I feel like a prenup is preparation for divorce. I get the objective, and I know that no one walks down the aisle thinking they'll get a divorce, but I just can't imagine starting a life together on that foot.
If you are a Catholic and have a pre-nup, it can possibly invalidate your marriage. It can be done but it's very tricky, because you can NOT validly contract a marriage in the Catholic Church if you don't intend to keep your vows (till death do us part). If you have a document dealing with contingencies, it makes it seem like you don't get that marriage is forever, no exceptions.
So regardless of whether it was a few hours before or a few months before, as a Catholic, I would not do the prenup :)
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