Would you snoop further in this situation?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you snoop further under the circumstances?
    Heck yes - you have a reason to be suspicious : (33 votes)
    52 %
    Heck no - this is not suspicious and snooping is wrong : (17 votes)
    27 %
    I'm undecided : (13 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    234 posts
    Helper bee

    Deejayelle:  I’m kinda torn on this one.

    Before you asked if he was cheating, I would have said it’s all in your mind, all of that seems harmless. It just seems like she’s coming onto him and he’s deflecting. He’s obviously not responding back with enthusiasm.

    When he hit back with “are you?”… that seems a little fishy to me. Honestly though I don’t think you’ll find anything in the facebook, you should just confront him when he’s not drunk without snooping further. I feel like he was just in an agitated state at that moment and there is really nothing going on, though.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1029 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    Deejayelle:  Damn skippy…I sure would!  You played by the ‘Trust Rules’ until he gave you reason to  be suspicious.  

    Post # 4
    Member
    3097 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    Yeeeeees. Plus, if you were to snoop & not find anything you could assume she’s not the issue … Probably. Or maybe he’s just in a bad mood? I get like that when I have too much caffeine..

    Post # 5
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I would snoop just to put my mind at ease. If there was anything else going on with this woman I would rather know sooner than later.

    However I think you need to sit down first and have a lengthy talk with SO about his actions. If he decides to be petulant again then you should re-evaltuate the relationship as I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t respect a serious discussion from his partner.

    Post # 7
    Member
    171 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Deejayelle:  what’s his Facebook  status now ? If single; does that bother you? What has he said about that when you’ve approached him?

    Post # 9
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    You two need to talk. Clearly something is bothering him. He doesn’t seem to be cheating to me, but he isn’t exactly showing that he’s committed. I don’t think he *has* to; some people are just not open like that. But together with his negative attitude, it rubs me the wrong way.

    Hopefully this is all related to the the transition of moving in together. My FI and I moved in together in July and it hasn’t been unicorns and rainbows the whole time. (In our case I’ve been the grouchy one. 🙁  ) But it doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work. Talking is key, though. His cryptic remarks about the household chores seems to indicate this is adjustment-type stuff and I’d want to get clarity on that. TALK!!!

    Post # 11
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    Deejayelle:  Ugh, that’s not easy to deal with.  From an outside perspective, if he’s angry about your stuff, he really isn’t being fair. You can’t be held responsible for something you can’t actually accomplish without his help (though maybe he thinks he isn’t needed for that job?) 

    At any rate, he’s going to need to communicate if he wants to fix things. If he’s unwilling to go to counselling and won’t be direct regarding what’s bothering him, he’s putting you in a no-win situation. It sounds like you’re getting pretty fed up and I don’t blame you. At a certain point I’d let him know that you can’t continue  trying to read his mind. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    695 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Well, the red flags for me were:

    1. your SO and this woman exchanged phone numbers.  The calling and texting each other is wrong and should have never happened.  That needs to be stopped because a relationship is forming.  Its difficult to say where relationships go.  I would put a stop to it.  I could in fact block her number if possible, send her a message from you that says stop calling – texting – and stop any talk about sex.
    2. Its alarming this woman is single. 
    3. Facebook – big no no with single or married woman regardless of what the interests are.  That needs to be cut off regardless of what messages are going back and forth.  Go on there an block the girl or delete the account altogether.  If your husband asks you about it just say what you did and why – don’t say your sorry.  It is what it is.
    4. No date should have ever been made to let their dogs hang out together when neither one had a dog in the first place.  It just left it open for them. 

    I hate to say it but the talk of sex does not surprise me.  Its a natural thing that comes up between a man and woman when they know each other well and are attracted to each other.

    Let me tell you what part of the problem is with this situation…  The woman is from another country you said?  If thats true you have another culture to deal with you may not be familiar with.  Sometimes in other countries good men making good money are hard to come by.  I will leave it at that.  To add to this if she is having visa issues, etc.  There may be a feeling of wanting to be with this woman while theres ‘still time’ type thought going on.  

    Its best you have him cut off communication with this woman.  And not to leave this out but I don’t feel you should be texting a married man either.  I just don’t, sorry.  If I were that mans wife I would not care what the conversation was about.  It would not be okay with me that it was happening outside of business hours or on his personal phone.  Its just not okay with me thats all i’m saying.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Deejayelle:  I think you are taking fb way too seriously. Why don’t you try having a honest conversation with him about everything instead of snooping around and changing his fb status to in a relationship. Sorry but regardless of what his Facebook says, if he wants to cheat he will. A woman that wants a man probably wont care about his relationship status on fb either.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6505 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Honestly, this stuff doesn’t sound suspicious to me. I have male co-workers numbers and I don’t have a problem with my husband having female’s numbers. Unless you specifically agreed that you would have no opposite sex relationships I don’t see a problem here.

    Post # 15
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee

    Deejayelle:  If I had to guess, I believe the women might not have feelings towards your SO. It’s more like a friend talking/venting. But your SO’s actions speak louder than words, that he’s starting to develop feelings for her. Hence when you confront him, he said “are you?” It’s a common mechanism to deflect accusations and make the spotlight on you in hopes to make you the bad person first, and to make him less of a bad guy. <br /><br />

    Also he started to pick on you and snap at you. His feelings are starting to change towards you, but he’s not good at hiding. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to be called as a cheater.

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