My husband and I have been together for 8 years married for over 4 and he lost his job back in February of last year! His dad died back in Dec 2011 so he started missing work due to emotional issues and his boss let him go but he collected EI and gave me every dime well now his EI has run out and he still has no job but he has over 5 grand in savings! Since his dad died he feels now he is getting older and wants to finish things on his "bucket list"! one of those things is writing a novel, he has over 100 pages so far and seems to be very dedicated to it! He told me he has enough to pay for his share of bills till around April or May and if his novel fails he will get a job A.S.A.P only problem is I am 33 and want to start a family but will only do that if he has a secure job and income! Would you be ok with this? The house is only in MY name, my parents' helped me buy it and we have a pre-nup so if we break up he won't be entitled to the house! Would you let him wait until April or May to get a job because he will be still paying his share of bills? Would you give him an ultimatium because of my age? I told him he has until Jan 31st to get a job and he doesn't seem to want to look and he says he is not afraid to be on his own! I told him if he doesn't get a job by then I will have to call my lawyer and get a seperation agreement! Am I being unreasonable? I think he is depressed since his dad died but now I am despressed because of this situation!
Oh he also thinks his novel is going to be a big hit so he thinks he is going to be famous lol!
No I would not leave over that. For me this is firmly in the category of "things you should be able to work out together".
If you think he is depressed, why aren't you supporting him getting help? I would never give my husband an ultimatum. Your husband has issues that need to be addressed, and you leaving him are only going to make them worse. You need to have his mental health addressed and have him put on the right path before you walk out of his life, especially if you value him as your husband. I understand the frustration of him being jobless, but there are bigger things going on here than wanting a child. Help your husband first. Worry about a child later.
Edit: Laughing at his dreams is cruel. Who is to say his novel won't make him famous? There is always a chance, no matter how little it is. Going "lol its so cute he thinks he's going to be successful!" is just terrible.
@paula1248: But what if you want to have a family and security and he doesn't have an ongoing income just his savings? You would stay so he could follow his dreams and not yours? I go to work everyday and I am a bit resentful he is at home writing his "novel"! I even tried to compromise and asked him to do it on the weekends and evenings but he said then it would take too long, he wants it done in the next couple of months for his dad!
This would be really annoying to me personally. You obviously want to start a family...but does he? I'm surprised having a child isn't a higher priority then writing a novel to become potentially "famous" for him. Have you ever thought about the possibility that he doesn't want any children? If he doesn't, that might be a deal breaker for the two of you in itself. I also find it irresponsible that he isn't looking for at least a part time job in the meantime while he writes his book to prepare for the future-kids or not. He sounds a bit immature to me.
Edit: I can understand your resentment since you work everyday and are preparing for the future but now that you've mentioned he is trying to finish it for his dad...that might be something personal he needs to do for closure due to his dads death. In that case I would let him finish the book so that he doesn't start to resent you for not allowing him to do this.
Talk to him about it! Let him know how you feel & that you are there for him but he needs to stop being defensive and be open to fixing the communication barriers the two of you have.
@Hyperventilate: I guess I just feel diappointed because all along he made it seem he was looking for work but then I found out now he has been writing this novel, I just feel there is a time and place! He needs to get a full time job, his savings aren't going to last forever! I try to help him with his depression, even ask him to go to marriage counseling, he thinks he doesn't need it and gets defensive! I found out his EI ran out over a month ago just 2 days ago so it's kind of hard to be supportive when I wake up and go to work everyday!
The chances of him selling the novel at all are really slim. He's living in a fantasy world. What's he plan to do once May rolls around, nobody wants to publish his book, and he can't pay his share of the bills?
It's one ok to go after your dreams, as long as they're reasonable and your spouse is ok with it. It's not ok to totally flake out and shirk on your responsibilities to your spouse. I decided I wanted to go back to school. I know from past experience that I can't handle college full time and work. My husband has to pay all of the bills now, but that was an agreement that we made together. Ultimately, my having a college degree will benefit him as well.
In turn, my husband has started a blog that is rapidly gaining in popularity. He'd love to be able to work on it full time at some point. If I end up earning enough, I'll gladly take over as many bills as I can to support him in that. But neither of us has our head in the clouds, and we have a mutual agreement about how we want things to work out.
I don't think the novel is an issue. Hiding things from you is, and is definitely a reason to at least push for counseling again.
@PinkMermaid: Oh no, he really wants to have kids and calls me a shallow because all I care about is a guy with a job lol! He thinks as long as he pays his share that is all that should matter, he doesn't understand I need security to start a family! He is 9 years older than me and thinks we are ok to have kids but I won't, because what if his "novel" flops! He doesn't think ahead where I do! I am on the verge of calling it quits unless i see more of an effort from him finding a job instead of using all of his efforts on writing this "novel" that might not go anywhere! It is good to have dreams, but I have dreams too of starting a family and I don't think it's fair to put my dreams on hold for his selfish reasons!
@MRS-K: I get the reason why you're frustrated. But you need to understand that his "work" isn't just slacking off. This is a dream of his, and he needs to actually work for it. He is working when you are gone, he is just not getting paid for it, and I see where the frustration lies.
From your posts, you sound exceptionally bitter. You are mocking his dream and his work, and you are setting him up to fail in your mind. Whether or not this is intentional isn't really the vital point here, but it needs to stop. A marriage is equal ground. Your marriage is not equal right now, and that's normal for most marriages. Thick and thin, better or worse, for richer or poorer. Those were the vows. You're in a poorer stage now, and you need to help your husband. Marriage counceling is not going to help his depression. He needs a therapist, someone to talk to. He is obviously grieving, and people grieve for different lengths and in different ways. This novel is his grief. Whether or not you approve of it, you can't mock it. It would be like laughing at a woman weeping over her lost family member. It's cruel.
You need to convince him to go to somebody, and if he will not go alone, go with him. Be his shoulder, his standing stone and support him every step of the way. The depression needs to be addressed before absolutely anything else, because someone who is in such a dark place cannot function without help, and there is a very real chance it can progress to worse things, especially if he catches wind that you disapprove of his novel so much.
Your feelings are valid, but so are his. I hope you are able to seek help, because you both desperately need it, and I think a child would worsen this situation.
Every time you say "novel", you are reinforcing your bitterness. I am no therapist or psychoanalyst, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone just as he does. You are not taking this seriously, you have children on the brain and nothing else is really mattering to you [This is just the gist I am getting from your posts.]
Stop mocking your husband's novel, and you've taken a great first step.
@MRS-K: I agree with you about not putting your dreams on hold either and can understand why you'd be upset. Do you think maybe he is just not thinking clearly because he is depressed because of the death of his dad? I imagine he is sad about that and it probably makes anything in relation to the future not as important. I also agree that you need some security before starting a family and going off of the chance that his novel MAYBE will become famous someday..isn't responsible (which you already know). He needs to realize that but may find it difficult since he might be somewhat depressed. Hiding things from you though, isn't OK!
Could he be grieving? He lost his job,his father.These are traumatic events .Could he be questioning his life and maybe his own eventual death? Perhaps having a child at this point would add more stress to your relationship. Do you think he might benefit from counselling or a psycologist? They might be able to put things in perspective and help him through the grieving process, if that is what he is going through.Stay with him? I would...
@strawbabies: He says if the novel fails he will get a job A.S.A.P by April or May before the money runs out but what if the money does run out then I am stuck paying his share? I don't think it is fair! I also feel he is not living in reality! It is sad his dad died I feel bad for him but life does have to go on and why should I ruin my dreams for his "Fantasy Ones"! I am really thinking about ending things! I want security and I am called shallow for only caring about him getting a full time job!
@ I want him to see a counsellor and he gets defensive when I bring it up? I told him I love him and want things to work out and I try to be there for him as much as possible! He won't seek help :(
@MRS-K: If you love him and really want to save the marriage, would it really hurt to give it four more months and see if he'll keep his word before pushing for the divorce papers?
How are you bringing up the seeing a counsellor issue? Maybe a different tactic will work to at least get him so see someone for his depression.
@MRS-K: People with depression/grief often aren't in reality hun but it is your decision in the end.Could he really handle a full time job at this point?I would give him till April/May to finish then make the decision.Again the choice is yours.All the best!! x
@Hyperventilate: How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Also he acted like he was looking for work mean while I just found out when his EI ran out he was never looking for work but really just writing his novel! I feel bad his dad died but everyone's parents' die eventually and most people can't just decide to skip work and lose their jobs! Yes I do have children on the brain because I would have liked to have 2 before the age of 35 and that isn't going to happen! He also smokes pot to deal with stress and with his last EI cheque he went the casino to try to triple it so I wouldn't find out his EI ran out! He is irresponsible so it's hard to not be bitter!
@Kimy: I love him very much and want things to work out! I just need to see him at least try to find a job instead of just writing the novel! I don't want to be stuck paying all the bills when his savings are gone! I haven't lost a parent thankfully and I don't know what I would do if I did but because of our ages me 33 him 42 I really want to have kids and if I don't see security from him I have to move on! He has been irresponsible with jobs in the past and missing work so I think he suffers from depression even before his dad died!
@MRS-K: Twenty six.
Children aren't the reason for the season. I know it doesn't sound right to hear it said, and I am not trying to de-value your reason for wanting children, or your desire to have them, but I feel you need to work on your marriage before you bring children into the world. If your husband cannot (or will not) get better, then I see you have good reason to leave. Even if you leave, however, it doesn't seem you'll meet your goal for children.
I don't blame you for being bitter, but I think it's unfair to nurse and feed that bitterness so eagerly without attempting to cure the source of it.
He also says he wants to leave a legacy behind for his dad and that is why he has to finish this novel! Wouldn't the greatest legacy be having a child? He wants to have kids and thinks it should be ok to have one now, it is me that says no!
@Hyperventilate: Why won't I be able to reach my goal for children if I move on? I am only 33! I know people that have had children in their early 40's! I will stick it out as long as I can but I will not stay if I don't see some kind of change!
@MRS-K: I apologize, I thought you stated you were older. I retract that comment, then!
Edit: My mother had me when she was in her late thirties. It is becoming more and more popular to have children later in life, as you have so stated.
Well I am not in my late 30's yet, still in my early 30's but I wouldn't mind having mine in my mid to late 30's!
@Kimy: If I knew the savings weren't going to run out and he would have a job by the time he said then sure, but jobs are hard to find nowadays and I don't want to be stuck paying all the bills!
@MRS-K: I wouldn't have a child now in your shoes either. Even if he is depressed, the fact that he refuses to get help would piss me off.
The pot thing, well, I would definitely leave over that. Pot does not do anything good for mental health. It's known to cause anxiety and can trigger the onset of psychosis in some people.
Yes, it sucks that his dad died. But most people don't lose their minds and ruin their lives when a parent passes away.
@strawbabies: I totally agree with you! He smoked pot even before his dad died but it is worse now!
I would not leave him for that. He is pursuing a dream for his dad, and he is paying the bills. You said that you wanted to have kids in your mid-late thirties, and you are in your early thirties. He will finish the novel in a couple of months, and then get a job. So what's the issue? I would never dump someone who is pulling their weight, paying bills, helping around the house, etc, were happy with, who was pursuing their dream. And could still have kids around your timeline. And I would NEVER mock the love of my life's dream!
@Jacqui90: I would prefer to have kids now I only said mid to late 30's in case him and I do not work out! I just need to see him make some kind of effort with looking for work and then things will be ok and I will get off his case and wait until April/May he is not even looking!
@MRS-K: Perhaps suggest he look online for a job for an hour or so each day and work on the novel the rest of the time? And as you said he is happy to have kids now, you would just prefer to wait until you both have stable jobs, which is fair enough.
You have received some excellent words of insight from prior posters. I will only add this: Walking away from your marriage, separating your assests, hiring an attorney, and pursuing, receiving, and recovering from the pain of a divorce just so that you can be in a position to find and establish a new relationship that will lead to marriage and children is going to take A LOT longer than the additional four months your husband has asked for to complete his writing project.
I agree that you are right to be concerned about the plan for your joint finances for the long-term. However, an additional four months is not going to result in much change from the situation you are in currently. As far as your potentially having to pay for "his share" of the bills for a period of time -- it is not at all uncommon in a marriage for one partner to have to bear that responsibility for a particular season (or longer) during the couple's marriage. What would happen if your husband were working full time and you were pregnant and you or the baby had complications that prohibited you from working for a period of time either before or after the birth?
I agree that the status quo may be reason to delay your plans for TTC for a few additional months. However, leaving your husband in the next four months over this issue is highly unlikely to put you on a faster track to motherhood. This, along with the wisdom Hyperventilate and others have already shared should give you some pause as you consider leaving your husband because of this situation.
ETA: I just read your update. I will add that his use of an illegal drug would be of much greater concern to me. Did you know about his drug use before you were married?
Why is there such a separation of funds? He has money in his savings account and gives you money instead of you two having a joint account?
My main issue with this whole situation is that he is willing to go through his savings just so that he doesn't have to work. I grew up in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck and if anything unexpected happened we suffered a lot, my parents would have given anything for a savings account they could use for emergencies. What happens if you have kids and one you is unable to work, that savings could be really helpful. I don't think you should leave him over this, but I defenitaly think you need to sit down and have frank conversation with him about your future. It's ok to live in the moment when you are young and don't expect to have kids for a while but you both want kids and neither of you are spring chickens so you really need to start thinking about them and your future. It's very sad that his dad died but he can't put your relationship or future on the back burner any longer and he needs to understand that.
I take wedding vows very seriously and the "richer or poorer" and "in sickness and in health" both apply here. If he is depressed it is a genuine sickness. He is trying to find himself after loosing his father. It a difficult time for him and if it were me I would let him find himself instead of being without him.
Ok the smoking pot thing would be enough for me to say forget it personally. I find all drugs disgusting and juvinile. OP did you know that he smoked pot before you got married..??
So he plans to be 42 with no savings left? Would he like for the two of you to be able to retire or for the two of you to be working at walmart in your 70s and 80s? I've had the "grow up time" conversation with my fiancé who was always sure he'd get famous and rich by being a pro Wrestler. I supported him in going to his matches and selling his merch but at the end of the day sometimes it would be beyond frustrating. He didn't need to save up or plan ahead because at any moment he'd be discovered. So I don't agree with other posters saying your wrong for being upset over it. I've kinda been there except this was while he still lived at home with only minor responsibilities.
The fact he says he'd be ok being alone is really troubling. He'd rather let you walk away than go to counseling or reach a compromise? He can at least work a part time job 2 days a week. It sounds like its time for him to grow up. It's not fair to you and you have every right to be upset. If he can't recognize that a relationship needs compromise and work then leaving is justified.
I would not leave over something like this, because to me this is something that can be worked out together. This would fall under "for richer or for poorer" and "in sickness and in health". Yeah the situation sounds incredibly frustrating, but you have no idea what he might have to sacrifice for you someday.
That being said, I would never be able to be married to someone who did drugs. That would be the bigger issue to me.
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