Would you stay in this marriage?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Member
4741 posts
Honey bee

No I would not leave over that. For me this is firmly in the category of “things you should be able to work out together”.

Member
6219 posts
Bee Keeper

If you think he is depressed, why aren’t you supporting him getting help? I would never give my husband an ultimatum. Your husband has issues that need to be addressed, and you leaving him are only going to make them worse. You need to have his mental health addressed and have him put on the right path before you walk out of his life, especially if you value him as your husband. I understand the frustration of him being jobless, but there are bigger things going on here than wanting a child. Help your husband first. Worry about a child later.

 

Edit: Laughing at his dreams is cruel. Who is to say his novel won’t make him famous? There is always a chance, no matter how little it is. Going “lol its so cute he thinks he’s going to be successful!” is just terrible.

Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

This would be really annoying to me personally. You obviously want to start a family…but does he? I’m surprised having a child isn’t a higher priority then writing a novel to become potentially “famous” for him. Have you ever thought about the possibility that he doesn’t want any children? If he doesn’t, that might be a deal breaker for the two of you in itself. I also find it irresponsible that he isn’t looking for at least a part time job in the meantime while he writes his book to prepare for the future-kids or not. He sounds a bit immature to me.

Edit: I can understand your resentment since you work everyday and are preparing for the future but now that you’ve mentioned he is trying to finish it for his dad…that might be something personal he needs to do for closure due to his dads death. In that case I would let him finish the book so that he doesn’t start to resent you for not allowing him to do this. 

Talk to him about it! Let him know how you feel & that you are there for him but he needs to stop being defensive and be open to fixing the communication barriers the two of you have. 

Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee

The chances of him selling the novel at all are really slim. He’s living in a fantasy world.  What’s he plan to do once May rolls around, nobody wants to publish his book, and he can’t pay his share of the bills?  

It’s one ok to go after your dreams, as long as they’re reasonable and your spouse is ok with it.  It’s not ok to totally flake out and shirk on your responsibilities to your spouse.  I decided I wanted to go back to school.  I know from past experience that I can’t handle college full time and work.  My husband has to pay all of the bills now, but that was an agreement that we made together.  Ultimately, my having a college degree will benefit him as well.  

In turn, my husband has started a blog that is rapidly gaining in popularity.  He’d love to be able to work on it full time at some point.  If I end up earning enough, I’ll gladly take over as many bills as I can to support him in that.  But neither of us has our head in the clouds, and we have a mutual agreement about how we want things to work out.

Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think the novel is an issue.  Hiding things from you is, and is definitely a reason to at least push for counseling again.

Member
6219 posts
Bee Keeper

@MRS-K:  I get the reason why you’re frustrated. But you need to understand that his “work” isn’t just slacking off. This is a dream of his, and he needs to actually work for it. He is working when you are gone, he is just not getting paid for it, and I see where the frustration lies.

From your posts, you sound exceptionally bitter. You are mocking his dream and his work, and you are setting him up to fail in your mind. Whether or not this is intentional isn’t really the vital point here, but it needs to stop. A marriage is equal ground. Your marriage is not equal right now, and that’s normal for most marriages. Thick and thin, better or worse, for richer or poorer. Those were the vows. You’re in a poorer stage now, and you need to help your husband. Marriage counceling is not going to help his depression. He needs a therapist, someone to talk to. He is obviously grieving, and people grieve for different lengths and in different ways. This novel is his grief. Whether or not you approve of it, you can’t mock it. It would be like laughing at a woman weeping over her lost family member. It’s cruel.

You need to convince him to go to somebody, and if he will not go alone, go with him. Be his shoulder, his standing stone and support him every step of the way. The depression needs to be addressed before absolutely anything else, because someone who is in such a dark place cannot function without help, and there is a very real chance it can progress to worse things, especially if he catches wind that you disapprove of his novel so much.

Your feelings are valid, but so are his. I hope you are able to seek help, because you both desperately need it, and I think a child would worsen this situation.

Every time you say “novel”, you are reinforcing your bitterness. I am no therapist or psychoanalyst, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone just as he does. You are not taking this seriously, you have children on the brain and nothing else is really mattering to you [This is just the gist I am getting from your posts.]

Stop mocking your husband’s novel, and you’ve taken a great first step.

Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

@MRS-K:  I agree with you about not putting your dreams on hold either and can understand why you’d be upset. Do you think maybe he is just not thinking clearly because he is depressed because of the death of his dad? I imagine he is sad about that and it probably makes anything in relation to the future not as important. I also agree that you need some security before starting a family and going off of the chance that his novel MAYBE will become famous someday..isn’t responsible (which you already know). He needs to realize that but may find it difficult since he might be somewhat depressed. Hiding things from you though, isn’t OK!

Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee

Could he be grieving? He lost his job,his father.These are traumatic events .Could he be questioning his life and maybe his own eventual death? Perhaps having a child at this point would add more stress to your relationship. Do you think he might benefit from counselling  or a psycologist? They might be able to put things in perspective and help him through the grieving process, if that is what he is going through.Stay with him?  I would…

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