(Closed) Would you stay with your SO if they never propose?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Yes, i would stay.

I want to be married (clearly, since I am here), but more than anything I just want to be with him.

Post # 4
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@LaurenK0105: Tough question.

I want to stay with him, but if he doesn’t want the same things as me then I can’t stay. I will only have children with my HUSBAND. And if he doesn’t want to get married then I’d have to walk away because I want children. Now, I know that people don’t (or shouldn’t) get married *just* so they can have children. But I’m a traditional person, and that’s the way I’d want to do it.

Yes, I’d be heartbroken. But if we don’t want the same things, then why stay and miss out on all the things in life that I wanted?

Gwen.

Post # 5
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I would not stay because I knew I wanted the security of marriage for myself but that’s a personal choice. I think I would have felt like it was easier to leave if he had not proposed and in the time between his proposal and our actual wedding, I think I would have left. But, I know my personality and history to move on if a relationship became too challenging so, for me, marriage is good, it gives me a whole differnt outlook on a relationship with no possibility of leaving.

Post # 6
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

here’s how I feel:

I thought I would be happy without being legally married, but it is so important to us to profess our love in front of our families and to God. We also are thinking in terms of being ‘smart’ in that we want to protect our finances and be able to get the perks of being married. We already are married in all terms of the word, just in the legal system we need to have that piece of paper saying we had a ceremony making it official.

Also, as Gwen said, we want babies. Probably a few of them. Having a broken household is never an ideal situation for children, and not having married parents is just not how we want our children to be raised. 

With that said, I know many couples that have been together for 10+ years that will probably never get married. They feel it keeps their relationship more healthy without being legally bound together. Like they have to work harder at it. 

It works for some couples not to get married, but most want the stability of it all. 

Post # 8
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

We have a child together. I do not feel I could have happily stayed in the relationship knowing he didn’t want to marry me. Luckily he did want to!

Post # 9
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I honestly don’t know. It’s something that I’ve often pondered, and thus far struggled to come up with a definitive answer for myself. I thought about each scenario, leaving if he suddenly said he never wanted to get married (even with the promise that he still wanted to be with me forever, just w/o the legal aspect and ceremony of it all), and also staying if he said all that.

I’d like to think that I’d be okay staying w/o the promise of being married in the eyes of the Lord and the law, but knowing myself the way I do, there’s a big, fat chance that resentment would creep in somewhere along the way, and that’s never good. And of course, none of us want to leave, with all the heartbreak that would go with that, even if we know in the long run that it could be the best thing for us.

So, idk. I still haven’t come to a conclusion on the whole hypothetical issue. I think my decision would ultimately have to be made in the moment(s), because there would be a lot of variables to consider, and who knows what the future may hold. But props and kudos to those that can confidently say what they’d do in that situation, though.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would be ok never being married, but I can’t say I’m not happy that we are.  There is a level of security to being married, but since we aren’t having kids, I don’t really see a need to be married to share a life together.  So yes, if it meant spending my life with him without being married, I would be ok with it (at this point in my life, anyway!).

Post # 11
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Hmm this is a hard question.. I dont know if I would feel differently if I was waiting and not engaged. But I feel like if he says he wants to live with me, be with me forever, just me and him.. Then I guess I would feel like then why the hell arent we gettiing married?? Dont get me wrong I love my FI more than anything, but I just know I would be very frustrated. I would prolly stay, but it would take a toll on the relationship maybe.. hmm like I said Idk this is a tough one.

Post # 12
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m gonna have to say no.

Considering my Christian beliefs and lifestyle of walking them out I couldn’t do that. I know that for me to get where God has for me I would have to not be attached to a man that I wasn’t in covenant with.

That and not living together and not ever getting to have sex would be just TOO much. lol

Post # 13
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with NapaBride up to the babies part 🙂

FI told me early on in dating that he didn’t ever want to get married. He had a past FI cheat on him, his father was married many times, and he just didn’t see how it would be a good thing.

I was ok with that for five years.

But when I knew that *I* wanted to get married, I told him, and luckily he was on the same page too!

I’m thankful that we dated without stressing marriage for so long. I think it helped us be super comfortable and relaxed with each other and got a lot of the big discussions out of the way.

Post # 14
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I definitely wouldn’t stay if he didn’t propose.  I think that factors that help make that decision for me are based on my religious convictions as a Christian.  I won’t live with someone prior to marriage for that reason.  Therefore, I’m alone in my own room every night.  Sure, I’m secure as a single, but honestly, I want to share my life and my living space with a man (husband!) someday.  And I won’t get that if I’m not married. (2) We are both virgins and waiting for marriage to have sex, foreplay & intimate touching.  So . . . I know that sex isn’t everything, but I’m kinda aware by now of the fact that I really would like to have it, and that won’t happen for me outside of marriage.  Another strike against sticking around if he doesn’t propose. (3) I want to have kids.  Again, won’t have those outside of marriage, so why would I want to stay with someone if we’ll never get to have kids?  (Granted, the issue of kids is a little tricky — I realize that sometimes single men or women adopt, and I’m not against that.  Likewise, if my future-someday husband and I couldn’t have kids, we would adopt, and that’s a non-negotiable for me that I have openly discussed)

I do think, though, that it’s much, much easier to walk away from a relationship and be objective about it if you haven’t had sex with the person.  Obviously I don’t have “comparative experience” here — but sexually active friends and I have chatted about it, and I think it makes sense.  The less you’ve invested, the easier it is to walk away.  That sounds cold, I know, but I think it’s true.  It’s not like I’m cold-hearted and only want marriage or something — I think that loving another person stretches us, makes us vulnerable, and involves risks, to be sure — and all of those are worth it.  But I think that due to my religious values there’s really not a whole lot of incentive for me in sticking around too long for a guy who hasn’t proposed. 😉  

Having said all of that, I think that there can be good reasons for staying with someone longer than you thought you would have provided that the relationship isn’t stagnant and you are both on the same page.  Hence, I am waiting for my SO to finish his PhD because he has asked me to and I do trust him although it’s not always easy.

Post # 15
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would have to say no, and not because I care about a wedding, but because there are certain benefits ONLY afforded married couples and I could not bear to not have those when we have a child together. If one of us were to be in the hospital and not married, we would not be recognized as next-of-kin. We would have no say over the treatment of one another if we couldn’t speak for ourselves. 

Post # 16
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

@KatyElle: Same here- I think that feeling only last a little while until the “why am I not good enough” sets in. I love my FI and it would have been PAINFUL to leave him but if he didn’t propose, our relationship would have been filled with anxiety from the waiting for him to get to that point. Waiting was horrible on our relationship- I was crying at other people that I didn’t even know weddings, the melt downs, the resentment of living together, doing his laundry, having his child but he couldn’t put a ring on it- I endured 14 months of craziness that waiting made me. We couldn’t live another 20 years together like that. Just impossible. He would have to tell me flat out “No, I don’t want to get married,” and I would either have to deal with that and STOP waiting for a proposal and all of the cycles it entails or leave because I knew I wanted to be married and being married to someone who loved me just as much to marry me (i.r. happiness).

There is a pretty big deal to marriage and I want that- the legal security, the social recognition and the end to the agony of waiting and seeing everyone else take that step except you. I want the same goals as my significant other and the compatibility that falls in line with that- and marriage is apartof those goals. It isn’t just a dress, ring or party- it is so much more. I personally could not deny myself of that for anyone else. I love my SO but I love myself and my happiness much more.

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