Post # 1
A friend of mine, who was a very close friend, is getting married next month. They’ve been planning the wedding for 2 years and the guest list is over 300 people. I’m actually the person that set her up with her fiance, who was also a friend of mine. Basically, since she’s gotten engaged, I have not seen her. Literally. I have not seen her since April of 2010 -she lives 3 miles away. She’s reached out through e-mail to show me dresses when she was shopping, but other than that, there’s been no contact unless I initiate it and that’s still only been through e-mail. I recently broke off an engagement a few months ago but we were still dating until 2 weeks ago when we cut off all contact, Having to deal with that is devastating enough, but when I received my invitation, which was mailed to my former fiance’s house (even though she knew I had moved to a different place), it was only for me and I still was dating my former fiance at the time. I asked her if I could bring a guest and she said no but I HAD to go because I was their matchmaker and said because she wasn’t sure if we were still together so she didn’t invite him and then asked if I wanted chicken or beef. (This was all through text).
So, I haven’t seen her in 2 years. She couldn’t even text, email, facebook, phone to ask for my new address or my relationship status to determine if I should be given a guest. She has never once asked how I was doing when I was going through a very rough period of my life, and I am expected to go alone (and I know all their guy friends, there’s no opportunity to meet someone).
Even though I was their matchmaker (it even says that on their wedding website), would you still go to the wedding? I just don’t think I should. but, on the other hand, I’m worried she will hate me forever if I don’t go and think I’m selfish. I was thinking of just going to the ceremony and then ducking out but that’s a lot of effort to put in to get ready to attend a black tie event for 20 minutes.
Post # 3
I’m not sure if I would go or not. Just be prepared that if you don’t go to her wedding that will pretty much show where you value your friendship with her so be prepared for this friendship to end. If you are ok with taking that road, than I say don’t go. If you think you’d like to preserve the frienship, than go.
Post # 4
I agree. Prepare to end this friendship if you don’t go. Even if you try to rekindle later, you’ll always be the friend who didn’t go to her wedding.
I think I would just go… but would prefer to take a guest, as you mentioned!
Post # 5
I wouldn’t go. If she hates you forever, oh well. It’s not like anything will change. You already never talk, so really nothing would change.
Post # 6
I would go, people are busy and not everyone is detailed orientated! I usually think of what someone’s intentions are if I find myself upset about something. Was she intentional or just thoughtless? Go from that answer.
Post # 7
I would go. I don’t think she doesn’t care; I think that she has been busy with everything. I also think that she didn’t proposely ignore the breakup what you went through. She probably just didn’t want to open the wound and make you feel awkward or bad. I say give her the benefit of the doubt.
Post # 8
Well I was a maid of honour for an ex-friend. She treated me like crap didn’t appreciate me and the money and effort I put into everything – people told me to pull out of the wedding – I didn’t – and so I went and turns out we ended the friendship shortly after anyways – so how much do you value her role in your life? is she too much drama and no support? too much take and no give? only you can decide this honey – chin up! you sound like an awesome person going through a crappy time- just know that this time will end and you will be happy again!
P.s I also went to a girl’s wedding whom i used to be close to and then we drifted apart – she invited me to her wedding – I went – and i haven’t seen her since she doesn’t contact me and i am not sure if I should invite her to my wedding ………oh how weddings can make life so comlicated LOL 🙂
Post # 9
On reading the other posts I think I’ve missed something so sorry if this makes no sense.
You broke an engagement with your ex, the logical thing (to me at least) would be that you had broken up completely. And whilst at the time that wasn’t the case, it is now. Anyway a lot of brides have +1 rules, often only those who are married or engaged get one. Ok, she’s inviting 300 people, but it’s still her guestlist (or her and her FIs). And yes, she could have called. But she’s getting married, she’s busy, and she’s got 299 other guests too.
She did reach out, ok not loads, but speaking as someone who is rubbish at keeping in touch she tried in a way she knew how. It sounds like neither are you are great at that. She wants you to be there because you were implemental in their relationship. If you don’t want to go (and I totally get not wanting to go alone) then don’t go. She’ll be disappointed, of course she will, but she’ll get over it. (If she told you you HAD to go via text, I doubt it was a threat)
(sorry if I sound insensitive, that’s not my intention)
Post # 10
I’m sure we have all experienced times where we have offended people unintentionally. I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to insult you in any way and it’s possible the stress of the wedding planning has made her a bit forgetful. Since you haven’t kept in close contact, she may not have known or remembered what your relationship status was, particularly because it does sound a bit complicated. I think you are taking what it probably an honest mistake and turning it into a bigger issue than it should be. Be a good friend (even if you feel like she hasn’t been one) and show up to her wedding. None of these minor issues is worth ruining a friendship over and you will cause your friend hurt feelings if you snub her. Then, after the wedding when she is more relaxed, if you are still upset about it, talk to her in a nice way and give her a chance to make it up to you instead of letting it fester.
Post # 11
I agree that she has several other guests to tend too so she is busy, sorry I only have 60-65 guests and a lot of contact is through text and email. With 300 guests if everyone on the list brought a +1 it would be out of control. Would you be more insulted if she didn’t invite you at all? I have let my guests know that if they are not in a serious relationship 3 months beforehand they are not to bring a guest. Sorry, we can’t afford the extra plate for someone we don’t know when we didn’t invite some people that we do know but couldn’t fit into the venue.. sorry.. I’ll stop ranting.
The reality is, in the end, It’s an invitation, a choice for you to make and it would be nice to honour people who you set up and see them be successful, she is including you as she is grateful that she met her match.
If it will be too painful for you to attend the wedding due to your recent end of engagement then I am sure she will understand.
Post # 12
while I don’t agree with your friend sending the invite to your ex FI’s house. I think it was actually thoughtful of her to not put his name on the invitation, as you two had just cancelled your engagement and she probably assumed you had broken up, which now you have, and it would have been awkward for you two to attend a wedding together.
I also completely understand her saying no to you asking to bring a guest. Bride and groom get to decide the guestlist, it is their day. 300 people is a lot already, and who wants to have strangers at their wedding?
I’d say go, you don’t want to lose this friendship over something so minor
Post # 13
@ananeele: You have been invited AS A GUEST. This means you have every right and privlege as the other 299 guests – including the right to politely decline the invitation without repurcussions.
Now, whether or not your friend will honor this right remains to be seen, but you do, in fact have this right.
If you are uncomfortable attending the wedding due to your recent change in relationship, due to your relationship (or lack thereof) with the bride and groom, if you’re unable to travel the distance to the wedding (though that seems like it isn’t the case) or if you have other plans… or if you *just don’t feel like going* you can send a prompt and politely worded note to the person managing the RSVPs.
Miss Ananeele LastName
regrets to decline the kind invitation of
[Hosts of the wedding, as listed on the invitation]
to the wedding of
Miss Friend’s Name
Mr. Other Friend
Due to a prior obligation.
If you don’t include the mention of the prior obligation it’s a snub that implies you don’t want to have anything to do with the couple.
You could also just send back the RSVP card and include a little note that says you’re so sorry you’ll have to miss the wedding.
Either way you ought to send a note (or card, if you prefer) congratulating the couple. Send a gift IF you feel close to them and you would like to do so. (Based on your post, I’d say that your relationship warrants nothing extravagant.)
Post # 14
@Jacqui90: I think what bothers me, is she didn’t know we had officially canceled the engagement. She just knew that we hadn’t made any wedding plans since we had canceled our original wedding and decided to elope because I was having issues with his mother (I refrained from sharing the other issues with other people). And that was before Christmas. She knew I had moved last April because I had taken a job that would have been a 2 hour commute and had heard through the grapevine (aka -gossip from people I haven’t spoken to in 3 years) that I had canceled my engagement, but I had even told her the reason I couldn’t even attend one of her 3 bridal showers was because it was his birthday and we were doing something special for him that day.
I think the main reason I don’t want to go is that she, and the other couples who I used to be friends with but aren’t anymore that will be at the wedding, have formed this ultra superior couple’s clique and i feel that unless I was into the lovey dovey couple events activities, there was no room for me in her schedule. And I find that to be the most hurtful thing. Like I’m inferior to the couple’s cult and lack value. I see her check in to vacations with them, dinners, they spend holidays together. I feel like, while they all sit in their superior couple’s table, I’ll be sitting alone with her single Mary Kay consultants and miserable and embarrassed the entire night with the constant reminder that I was already supposed to be married and here I am talking lip gloss with a bunch of strangers. I was hoping she would have invited one person I knew that was single so that maybe we could hang out, but, after talking to all of them, she didn’t. I feel guilty not going, but then I’m also reminded that it’s been 26 months since I’ve seen her or talked on the phone with her, or made an attempt to see me and think, if I had done that to someone, would I expect them to come to my wedding and just fake it?
Post # 15
Ok….She didnt know you cancelled the engagement…but did you personally tell her? Its tough to keep track of whats going on with people through the grapevine.
With 300 people their you might not even run into your old friends, and if you do? Is the world going to emplode? I would go, look HOT and make the best of it! Who knows what single guys might be there or who you might have a great conversation with. And to be honest, looking after a wedding of 300 people is probley very stressful! And she has a lot going on. Just becuase you havent talked to someone in a long time, doesnt mean you should continue to still not talk. Maybe go out for a glass of wine, or invite her over for dinner and that might change things. But like another bee said, if you dont go, be perpared for your friendship to possibley end.
Post # 16
I would decline. It just seems a bit off to me, and I wouldn’t be comfortable going.