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No, i wouldnt take offense. It sounds like she's kind of clueless and has a lot of research to do!! I think it's good you are asking her some questions - will hopefully get her thinking (and booking!)
Sounds like she's the dreamer and you're the realist! I'm more of a realist myself, so I don't see a problem with your comments - as long as you encourage her in other ways too...I dunno, sometimes it's nice to just have someone say "that sounds amazing!" instead of telling you that it can't happen. You might want her to just draw her own conclusions on whether or not her dream is real.
But I lol'd at the Cuba thing being unique and out there...as a Canadian we don't consider Cuba unique...moreso that it's a cheap getaway with bad food! lol
I don't think I would be offended but she seems like a naive young girl who is dreaming. I just don't know if you should be the one to crush her dreams, maybe steer her in a direction to figure it out herself. For example if she said she wants to go to Fiji I would say "that's awesome, hopefully you can find some great deals because I've heard it's expensive".
Even though I know you mean well I did read a negative tone in that conversation. Offer to help and then when she realizes things on her own after doing research then you can swoop in and be the hero with a plan B.
I think it's fine. I do notice people tend to take a criticism better if you put a positive in there and spin the negative like roxy821's example. I'm a pragmatist myself, and I have to be careful I don't crush dreams when I chat with people. ;)
i just wouldn't talk to her about weddings. i'd get sick of being the bearer of bad (albeit, realistic) news.
I don't think your saying anything wrong, shes just not thinking about it realistically and you are. Its not your fault she hasn't done research if you feel that bad though maybe just smile and say "thats nice" and let her figure it out later on her own.
i love the "oh, we'll just go to fiji comment".
yeah, babe, those overwater bungalows are dirt cheap.
@roxy821: this! Great advice.
@mkewed2010: If you are feeling like a downer for her, perhaps ask her if she'd like any help doing 'x' or researching 'x' and see what she says. If she takes you up on it, then great - if she isn't ready or doesn't want help, then leave her be and just listen to her when she tells you things and be excited for her process.
I thought I had a pretty realistic view of what things costs and then had to make adjustments as I proceeded with planning as I things were way more expensive than I anitcipated. figuring that out will be part of her wedding planning experience and if you are starting to feel bad about being the bearer of bad news, maybe you need to let her figure that out on her own.
@mkewed2010: Does FCIL mean Future Child In Law or what? I'm so confused.
I don't think it's offensive. But instead of talking about money you could just say, "Aw I really want to go there!" Or if it can be perceived as negative, just don't talk about yourself in that situation. Just say, "That's great! Have you researched it at all yet?"
@roxy821: yeah I try to be as upbeat as possible and oohh and ahh over other things (like her dress or what not), but like you said maybe I should tell her the same things but in a positive way. Or say "wow that sounds great" and leave it at that.
@CanadianBride2011: Cuba is like the "sneaky cool" american vacation haha.
@futuremrsmp: I think most of her research (she's been engaged for about a year) has been on decor, dresses and BM dresses. She's one of those "everything will fall in place" type of people.
@kperry3: Future cousin in law :-) I agree I should stop bringing up the money thing and let her figure it out!
I think what you are saying is fine - you're simply being realistic. But spinning the comments more like roxy821 said wouldn't be a bad idea either.
I thought it was future child in law. And when I read it I thought you were trying to sort of tell her the hard truth since you were marrying her father or something like that. But future cousin, no way! Stay positive and let her figure it out all on her own.
It can get exhausting being the bearer of bad news/Debbie Downer. Plus the recipient doesn't like it. I think you should just nod and smile and let her figure things out on her own. I'm usually the realist with my best friend, and we got in a huge fight over it and didn't speak for days. Sometimes it's best to just let people find out for themselves.
I think it's nice you're trying to help! I think you could redirect her to something more practical though, since she seems to be grasping at straws to hold a wedding conversation with you. Something more like:
You: Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?
FCIL: CUBA!
You: Well you can't go to Cuba. But Cancun is close. Maybe you'd like to go to Mexico?
Also I wouldn't bring up your own planning with regards to booking things. It makes it seem like you're comparing your weddings, and that could be depressing if she's on a much smaller budget.
I know you ar etrying to help, but from her POV you are always telling her no. I don't know anyone who likes to hear no all the time. Some resentment might be in the wings if you continue to shoot down her ideas. Perhaps bring her ideas that are more affordable before she can bring the dreams up herself.
In the last example, you don't have to crush her dreams....you can just say something like "oooh Fiji sounds nice. I would love to go somewhere exotic and beachy" and leave it at that. If she really wants to go, she'll look into it herself and find out how much it costs.
If she wants to go to Cuba, you don't have to flat out tell her she can't go, just questioningly ask if Americans are allowed there? In other words, you are being realistic but it does sound harsh. Just soften your tone a bit or express interest without shutting her down.
I wouldn't cause I'm a realist and I love when people give it to me straight, no chaser. But not everyone appreciates that. As @Storm0075: stated, you shouldn't always be the bearer of bad news. Otherwise, she might come to bee and complain about her jealous FCIL whose always killing her ideas. She's a big girl and she access to Google. She will soon find out on her own how unrealistic her ideas are. Just smile, say great and move on.
No, not every kind of personality can take "straight no chaser" especially kind of dreamy ones with their head more in the stars than feet on the ground as this one seems to be. Agree with the other bees that you should lead her to hints that that might not work of she looks into it herself, rather than out with "that won't work for you" especially since there's an understood "it will work for us"
Are you looking to further this relationship? If so, to take MightySapphire 's suggestion a little bit further - draw her out, get her to tell you *what* it is about this or that idea that makes her feel all hankering after it. Cuba? Spanish-speaking environment, great dancing and music, carribean feel... maybe Cancun could be a close match, or some other destination. But that would depend on how much you want to invest in this relationship, too.
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So I am wondering if my FCIL thinks I'm trying to "crush" her weddings/ideas. She has these great ideas, but is completely broke. She wants all this stuff and because I am planning my wedding I'll say, ohhh I wanted that but I can't afford it. Then we talk about how much it is and then she'll get disappointed. Her FMIL wanted me to get her to book a caterer because its about 8 months until the wedding. So I brought it "isn't it crazy that things book up so fast? I mean I had to book my venue 13 months out and even the DJ I booked a year in advance and I was the last person?" Then I asked if she had a caterer and stuff like that and she said, "No, but we have all the big things like venue and decorations figured out".
One more example scenario:
Me: where do you want to go for your honeymoon?
FCIL: So its really unique and out there, but I want to go to Cuba.
Me: Um...you can't go to Cuba. They don't allow travel there unless you to go around the system.
FCIL: Really? Well we might go to Fiji.
Me: I would LOVE to go to Fiji when we can afford it.
FCIL: How much is it?
Me: At least $6000 if not more.
FCIL: (looks disappointed) oh....
I just don't want to be a Capital "B", but how do talk to her without being perceived negative.