Post # 1
FIL has cancer and H has been putting off buying his ticket to go visit him. I was originally supposed to go too but I can’t take the time off and H told me that he wanted to be alone with his dad anyway since it’s been a long time since they’ve done that.
First H was going to get his plane ticket once he got paid, then he put it off because he couldn’t find a car service to bring him around so I sent him links the next day, then he kept saying he would do it the next day and when he asked for my advice I didn’t know what to tell him. Unfortunately FIL lives somewhere kind of remote and H cannot drive so a car service is necessary.
H is afraid of the state his dad might be in. FIL has a history of alcohol and drug addiction and being too nice to the wrong people and being taken advantage of. When H was little FIL’s friend gave him alcohol and tried to molest him. FIL will literally help out anyone who asks for it even if you’re someone he just met on the street. We also know that FIL is in a wheelchair and has had teeth removed because of the cancer. H is really afraid that he won’t be able to handle what he might see. FIL has no family living near him becaue he chose to move somewhere that he likes but where there is no family. H is afraid people might be taking advantage of him again. MIL (FIL’s ex) and BIL are very narcissistic people and no one else in the family has visited FIL yet even though MIL is retired and certainly has the free time to do so. She and FIL have remained friends to some degree. So H really feels like he should visit, that someone in the family should at least check on his dad to see where he lives, how the people are, and to make sure he’s being taken care of.
H seems a little depressed lately, mostly from his family issues. I’m not sure exactly what this visit might do for his mental health. He’s afraid that his dad’s apartment will be full of drug addicts or sexual predators or something else really disturbing. He was exposed to a lot growing up and doesn’t want to relive that. In spite of his addiction problems, FIL is the only one that’s actually nice to H in their immediate family.
Post # 3
@tmsing: if his father is the only one that is nice to him, I think your husband needs to go visit him. Despite his fears of who may bin taking advantage of his dad, if he doesn’t go to visit his dad before he passes, he will regret it for the rest of his life. I completely understand its hard to let go of things you were exposed to as a kid, I was also abused, but he’s no longer a kid. He’s a grown up who can fend for himself and right now, his dad needs him to fend for him too. Or at least be shown that someone loves him and cares. I’m sorry your husband and you ar going through this by the way. I hope it works out the best way it possibly can.
Post # 4
@tmsing: Yes he should visit. And if it is a dangerous situation, maybe he can do something to help his dad. Seeing a seriously sick relative or friend is always tough, but I’ve always been glad I’ve done it.
Post # 5
Maybe you could go with him, not all the way to his dad’s house, but at least be waiting at the hotel for emotional support after he sees him. That’s what I would want if I were going.
Post # 6
@tmsing: It is going to be very hard, but I would absolutly go if I were him. I think he would really regret it if something happened to his dad and he hadn’t visited.
I also think @MabelleBliss makes a very good suggestion. You can go on the trip to be an emotional support but don’t need to actually go to his dad’s with him.
Post # 7
I think you should definitely encourage your husband to go and visit his father, and soon. Does your husband know how much time your FIL has left or if the situation looks grim? I know he must be terrified about what he’ll find but he will regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn’t visit his father before he passes. I think you should go with him on the trip but stay behind when he visits his father if he wants to do that alone. If your husband does see some things that cause him pain it will be better if he has you there as a support system than if he’s completey alone.
Post # 8
@star_dust: Supposedly he has one more treatment left and the cancer hasn’t spread, but for all we know FIL could be sugar-coating it.
I think I will go with H to visit, that way I can try to rent a car instead of us hiring a car service. Hopefully my boss will give me a day or two off but we’ll figure it out either way.
Post # 9
@krayzay87: I know that H expresses to his dad that he loves and is concerned for him. They talk over the phone every now and then and we saw him about two years ago. I guess the next step is emotionally preparing H (and getting tickets). He really wants to bring his dad back to live around us after treatment is over, but I told him you can’t force it if his dad likes where he is now.
Post # 10
As of yesterday H does not want to visit his dad. I told him to let me know if anything changes or if he just wants to talk about it. He didn’t really want to talk about it, the only reason I brought it up is because we were tentatively going to fly in next week and hadn’t bought tickets yet.
I think he is feeling this way because he’s been finding out that his dad is abusing his medication and not complying with a lot of things. Apparently his doctors are ready to give up on him. You can’t believe everything you hear, but it does sound like FIL. I don’t want to tell H what or how to do things, because I had a pretty healthy relationship with my dad. His on the other hand, was almost never sober. FIL has gotten into trouble before and a few years ago we actually did think he was dead because he had been missing for a year. So this sort of scare is nothing new to the family, it’s just come about in a different way this time.
I asked H if it would help if his mom or brother came along to visit and he said no (to be fair they’re not pleasant people but at least they’re family). I asked what would help and he said he just needs time to think about it. I am trying to get him to go back to therapy though.