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The recent discussion about cheating got me wondering. Would you actually want to know if your SO cheated? Would it depend at all on the circumstances? Have you ever found out about it and wish you were never told in the first place? Also, would being married make any difference in your answer?
I've heard really good points from both sides. Some say that telling the SO is actually selfish, a way to get rid of the 'guilt'. Especially if it was a one time thing and will never happen again. I can also totally understand the flipside that no one should be able to get away with it and the cheatee has a right to know.
What's your opinion?
I would want to know. I would think the situation would be far worse if I found out some other way or accidentally and trust is so important. And I probably wouldn't be able to trust him again plus I would constantly be reminded that he was with someone else so I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stay with him.
I think I'd want to know (but it hard to truely say until you are in those shoes). And I'd like to be able to say I'd leave DH if he cheated on me, but I know that I would probably have a hard time with that as I love DH so much. It would also probably depend on if he told me or it came from someone else and if it was a one time thing or a continued occurance.
I would absolutely want to know. Even if it was a one time thing, it still happened and a relationship is predicated on trust - not knowing would mean I didn't know something about my own relationship and that makes me very uncomfortable. I can't answer definitively whether or not I would leave immediately - especially being married, I think it might depend on the situation.
I would want to know as well. I don't know what would happen after though...I think it will depend on the situation as a whole. Would I need a break to think about it and figure out what I need to do for myself? Yes. But I haven't experienced this, so I can't say what I would do with confidence. Hopefully, I never have to be in this situation to find out.
I would want to know. Married or not he would be out the door.
I would definitely want to know. For me, there is a huge difference in certain situations, and I do think that there are things the other partner can do (other vows they can break) that are just as bad as cheating.
This is going to sound silly, but I think cheating would resonate more strongly for us than it otherwise would have just because neither of us has been with another person.
i chose it depends. in theory, id absolutely want to know and i would back up all my stuff and leave the bastard asap. in real life though, i really just dont know. is he confessing or was he caught? what kind of cheating was it? would me knowing destroy my life or confirm suspicions? i think that this is a question you look back on after you find out, like "im glad someone told me" or "i wish he never told me".
so that was a pretty crap answer... but such a good question
I don't think I'd want to know. Especially if it's a one time thing or something that is completely over (as in it ended two years ago. Why are you telling me now??!!!) However, if the alternative is to find out some other way, it would be more devastating. I'm not married yet so I don't know if I'll stay or go. I hope I'm never in that position to make such an absolute judment. I will say however that cheating is something that married spouses can get over (women more than men though!)
Well, if it was a one-time mistake and it was likely I would never find out unless he told me about it, then no, honestly I wouldn’t want to know.
If it was an on-going thing, I would want to know.
I think I could forgive physical infidelity, but not emotional infidelity (if he said he loved someone else) – of course, totally dependant on the circumstances.
I think for the most part no, I would not want to know. Here are the exceptions: If it was an ongoing thing, I would want to know and I am pretty sure I would leave. If it was a one-time thing but other people we knew knew about it, I would want to know because it would be mortifying to find out from someone else.
But if it was a one-time thing, he was truly sorry, and no one we knew knew about it... honestly I think I'd rather not know. I don't see me throwing away everything we've had because of one (albeit huge) mistake. And I feel like by him telling me it would make HIM feel better and put the burden on me to get over it. I think living with the guilt would be punishment enough and it would be kinder to not put that on me.
We actually talked about emotional versus physical cheating in one of my classes last year and which one is harder to forgive. One girl actually has the mindset that she's fine with her boyfriend being with other girls as long as he asks first and she can veto his choices and as long as there was no love/emotional cheating. I just had never heard that before and thought I'd share because that's a whole different take on an answer to the question.
@bRooklynRocks: I totally agree with everything you said. If it's old news and water under the bridge, why bring it up and hurt the other person? Also, I think couples CAN get over it definitely women more than men. Which is messed up in itself, but I think that's the reality.
It is completely unthinkable to me but I guess anything is possible. I can't imagine my life without him but I think I'd leave so fast his head would spin...
I would want to know. If I found a friend didn't tell me, I'd be pissed. As pissed at her/him as I would be with my SO. I think I would leave my SO if he cheated.
I'd want to know but I don't think I'd leave. He's told me flat out he wouldn't leave if I did something - not that I ever have any intentions, if anything it made me more committed to him realizing how in it for good he was.
But I would want to know because our relationship is based on honesty and I think once one of us started feeling major guilt about something it would slowly tear other things in our relationship apart.
I would absolutely want to know. My policy with my SO from the beginning has been it's better to be honest than to have me catch you in a lie. If I found out that my SO cheated on me from someone else, our relationship would be 100% over. If, however, it was a one time thing and he was up front and honest about the whole thing than there would be a posibility to salvage the trust in our relationship. I'm not sure how I would react to the situation, but I know that it would be very specific to the circumstances. I understand people make mistakes, but at the very same time fidelity is a huge thing for me. Him being honest with me would be the one and only way to move forward, if at all.
If a friend knew about my SO cheating I would expect them to tell me. I would do the same for a friend. If I later found out that people had known about something like this behind my back than I would be beyond angry. Each and everyone of those people would be cut out of my life immediately. Honesty is number 1 in my books.
MY sister a few months ago found out her boyfriend was cheating on her, they had only been together for four months at that point and the girl he cheated with was his ex (he had been with her for over 2 years and they had only been broekn up for 4 months!...not that it justifies anything).
She found out from an email from bf to ex saying "sleeping with you was the biggest mistake of my life".
She broke up with him immideatley and was crushed. Honestly I had never seen my sister so happy with him then she has been in a long time. But only four months into the realationship and he does that...pffttttt...to the curb!! I said if they ever got back together its her decision but he obviously needs some time alone first to figure things out. They got back together about two weeks later.
She is 25 but at the time I was getting married and so was my other sister, so she was bery much stuck on the "what am i doing faze" They got back together and she seems really really happy...but my other sister said there is lots of akwardness cause if my sister does something and the bf is like "what are you doing" she just responds "whatever! I can do whatever i want, you cheated on me!! I get a freebie for a year"....soooooo weird.
I guess my point is things happen. They have only been together for a short time and have now been together for over 7 months and live together and seem really happy. I dont believe in once a cheater always a cheater but what bothers me is he LIED and never told her. He even had the BALLS to come to my wedding when he KNEW he had cheated on the brides sister only days before that....grrrrr
I think if it was a one-time thing and he was truly sorry about it and there was no way I or anyone else would ever find out about it, I'd not want to know. He could live with his own guilt.
But if I would someone find out later from someone else, or if the whole family would know, or if this was a recurring affair, then I'd want to know.
Would I end it? Part of me says absolutely. And that is what I have told him. But I can't really say (and I'm just guessing my reaction here) that I would because there are children involved and we have built a life together that I can't imagine not having. It would all depend on how the relationship between us was affected. If he was remorseful and vowed to never do it again and we in the end became closer, I'd stay. It would suck and it would always be there, but I would. But if he was unrepentant or if refused to stop or if we couldn't rebuild the trust bewteen us...then I'd probably end it.
I would want to know, but it would certainly depend on our situation if I would leave him. Marriage is a partnership, and though there's no excuse for someone cheating, I don't know that I would be completely innocent either. I would think that there was something missing in our relationship that caused him to go outside of it.
Again, not saying that something missing would make his cheating ok, but it would certainly bring to light a whole host of problems we were probably having. And...if it were a one time thing that he truly regretted, I would think that I would try to work it out.
If it's a case where it's repetitive and ongoing, I don't know if that's as forgivable. Most of the time, that involves him having some sort of emotional attachment to the other person and a complete lack of respect for me and my feelings.
I have to say though, if a friend knew about my SO cheating only from hearsay...it would be very tough for me to believe that friend. It's a really crappy situation for that friend to be in, and I wouldn't think that they were an awful friend for not telling me. That friend doesn't know the ins and outs of my relationship either, and who knows...my SO might have already told me about it and we're trying to get past it. Knowing that all of my friends know would be embarrasing to me. There are some things that need to stay between a couple.
@mandb122: Yup I actually have this mindset with my FI and have for the entire 5 years that we've dated. To me, it's the emotional connection more then the physical one that would bother me. If you want to go at it with some chick, whatever... that's cool. Just tell me about it first and let me know who it is. This way I'm not blindsided after the fact and so I know that you're not doing it with some skank (I worry about STDs....). Haha, I know this might sound very strange to most people, but we have a pretty open relationship.
So yes I would want to know. I would only really consider leaving my FI if it was an ongoing affair or if I found out from someone else. I'm pretty open-minded about things like that, so why are you hiding it? That is what hurts the most, (to me anyways, not for everyone I'm sure).
My finace once told me that he cheated on me though I don't consider it to be so. He went to his ex girlfriends house and stayed late so he slept there. Nothing happened more than that but he still felt guilty enough to tell me about it the next morning and break up with me until he could figure things out. I only know I can believe that nothing else happened because if he were to come clean about something that isn't even cheating then I know he would have told me if anything else had happened. He consideres it cheating, I don't because they didn't touch or anything. He just fell asleep at her place so I forgave him and we ended up getting back together later on.
@CorgiTales: I completely agree with everything you said, especially the part about how telling me would make HIM feel better, and ME feel the burden. If it were a one-time thing, and it was never going to happen again, and I was never going to find out, I would definitely not want to know.
If it was really a one time, huge mistake that will NEVER repeat itself, and I wasn't suspicious and there was no way of me finding out I don't think I would want to know. I'm not sure I would ever love him the same.
However if I had a feeling he was or had cheated or there was a possibility I could find out I would want to hear it from him.
I am not engaged or married but we own a home together, if that makes a difference.
I would always want to know. I care a lot more about trust and honesty than I do about physical exclusiveness. It actually took us a fairly long time to become totally exclusive, and we were very honest with each other about anything that happened with other people.
It's hard to say what I would do without being confronted with a real life situation, but I would probably be pretty forgiving if it was a one-time lapse and he was totally upfront about it. Whereas if I found out that something was going on behind my back for awhile, I would be absolutely livid.
@TinyTina: You have me curious now. Are you planning to have an open relationship once the two of you are married? (sorry to sidetrack from the OP)
@CorgiTales: totally agree! And I agree with the OP that often, confessing can be a way to make the cheater feel better but makes the other person feel so much worse.
I would definitely want to know... would just HATE hearing it.
As far as would I leave? I don't know that I can answer this without being in the situation. It would definitely ruin a lot of trust, so without a doubt there would be problems moving forward. I think it would depend on a LOT of things... so I'm not even sure how to answer that.
I would absolutely want to know. I think trust is everything in a relationship and a relationship can't survive if people aren't being honest from each other. If something we're to happen I'd pray that my FI would tell me himself so that we could work it out.
A while back I caught my then BF in a lie and automatically ended the relationship. I was beyond hurt and couldn't deal with what he did. However, we did eventually get back together as a result of me forgiving him because of the specifics of the situation and how much effort he put into salvaging the relationship. It took months for me to trust him again, and probably a full year before I stopped thinking about what happened, but he worked so hard every day to prove to me that he could be trusted and that it would never happen again, and I do believe him. I don't know if I could stay if he did something again, because he already learned how badly it hurt me the first time, but I also truly believe he wouldn't.
@mrs.peters.to.be: Yup! As long as I know what's happening and I can have a say in who/what he does... I'm totally fine with it. It's the sneaking around that is unexcusable to me. Haha I know I am deff in the minority on this one, and most people don't agree with me... but it works for me and my FI.. in the 5 years we've been together (3 of them living together) it has never, ever caused an issue in our relationship.
FWIW, FI has rarely taken advantage of this. ;) And the same rules apply to me if I chose to do something with another dude.
I think the only way that confessing something could make the cheater feel better is if they truly didn't care about their SO or their SO didn't care about cheating.
If someone tells there's most likely going to be a highly emotional reaction from the SO, and if they're in love that should be a very painful experience.
Sure now two people are in pain but at least it allows for healing and remedy of the situation instead of guilt and no solution just hanging over one persons head. I don't know how someone can lie to another person and keep the same sort of relationship going with them, I just think it would be impossible at least for me to do that.
@TinyTina: Question for you (out of curiousity) if you don't mind? Since I don't know anybody in an "open" relationship. Have only read about it online/magazines, etc. How did you or your fiance tell/ask the other if they were interested in having this lifestyle? I'm just curious! Did he mention it to you, or did you mention it to him? And were both of you "OK" with it right away?
I would want to know, although it would crush me, I'd rather know and be unhappy than not know and be deceived
Leaving, not leaving, it depends on the circumstances.
I CAN say that I'd want to know for only one good reason: if DH had sex with someone else, then he's affected my health. In fact I told him that if it ever happens, if he has any respect for me at all, he'd tell me for that reason alone.
The only time I'd rather not know would be if he made a one time mistake and there was no possible way for it to come back to me.
Otherwise, yeah, I want to know. And I'm probably out the door. The sex would bother me, but the deceit would be crushing.
My husband and I talked about this a lot once. We had a whole discussion about it out of curiosity. Neither of us would want to know if it was a one-time thing and alcohol was involved (which led to a poor decision), and the person really regretted it.
We would both want to know if the cheating was an on-going thing and/or was the result of something that person made a decision to do (as in, no alcohol was involved). We decided that there was a difference between being really drunk and making a bad decision and actually choosing to sleep with someone without any other influences.
If my husband cheated on me without any alcohol involved, I would be willing to work it out. If it was another situation, I'm not sure if I could, and it would take a lot of therapy on both our ends to fix it ... if it could be fixed.
@TinyTina: This is something I've considered as well. It's not quite right for us, but I have a friend who has an open marriage and it works amazingly well for her and her husband.
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