Post # 1
The recent discussion about cheating got me wondering. Would you actually want to know if your SO cheated? Would it depend at all on the circumstances? Have you ever found out about it and wish you were never told in the first place? Also, would being married make any difference in your answer?
I’ve heard really good points from both sides. Some say that telling the SO is actually selfish, a way to get rid of the ‘guilt’. Especially if it was a one time thing and will never happen again. I can also totally understand the flipside that no one should be able to get away with it and the cheatee has a right to know.
What’s your opinion?
Post # 3
I would want to know. I would think the situation would be far worse if I found out some other way or accidentally and trust is so important. And I probably wouldn’t be able to trust him again plus I would constantly be reminded that he was with someone else so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to stay with him.
Post # 4
I think I’d want to know (but it hard to truely say until you are in those shoes). And I’d like to be able to say I’d leave DH if he cheated on me, but I know that I would probably have a hard time with that as I love DH so much. It would also probably depend on if he told me or it came from someone else and if it was a one time thing or a continued occurance.
Post # 5
ditto to everything @FutureKMM said
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
I would absolutely want to know. Even if it was a one time thing, it still happened and a relationship is predicated on trust – not knowing would mean I didn’t know something about my own relationship and that makes me very uncomfortable. I can’t answer definitively whether or not I would leave immediately – especially being married, I think it might depend on the situation.
Post # 7
I would want to know as well. I don’t know what would happen after though…I think it will depend on the situation as a whole. Would I need a break to think about it and figure out what I need to do for myself? Yes. But I haven’t experienced this, so I can’t say what I would do with confidence. Hopefully, I never have to be in this situation to find out.
Post # 8
I would want to know. Married or not he would be out the door.
Post # 9
I would definitely want to know. For me, there is a huge difference in certain situations, and I do think that there are things the other partner can do (other vows they can break) that are just as bad as cheating.
This is going to sound silly, but I think cheating would resonate more strongly for us than it otherwise would have just because neither of us has been with another person.
Post # 10
i chose it depends. in theory, id absolutely want to know and i would back up all my stuff and leave the bastard asap. in real life though, i really just dont know. is he confessing or was he caught? what kind of cheating was it? would me knowing destroy my life or confirm suspicions? i think that this is a question you look back on after you find out, like “im glad someone told me” or “i wish he never told me”.
so that was a pretty crap answer… but such a good question
Post # 11
I don’t think I’d want to know. Especially if it’s a one time thing or something that is completely over (as in it ended two years ago. Why are you telling me now??!!!) However, if the alternative is to find out some other way, it would be more devastating. I’m not married yet so I don’t know if I’ll stay or go. I hope I’m never in that position to make such an absolute judment. I will say however that cheating is something that married spouses can get over (women more than men though!)
Post # 12
Well, if it was a one-time mistake and it was likely I would never find out unless he told me about it, then no, honestly I wouldn’t want to know.
If it was an on-going thing, I would want to know.
I think I could forgive physical infidelity, but not emotional infidelity (if he said he loved someone else) – of course, totally dependant on the circumstances.
Post # 13
I think for the most part no, I would not want to know. Here are the exceptions: If it was an ongoing thing, I would want to know and I am pretty sure I would leave. If it was a one-time thing but other people we knew knew about it, I would want to know because it would be mortifying to find out from someone else.
But if it was a one-time thing, he was truly sorry, and no one we knew knew about it… honestly I think I’d rather not know. I don’t see me throwing away everything we’ve had because of one (albeit huge) mistake. And I feel like by him telling me it would make HIM feel better and put the burden on me to get over it. I think living with the guilt would be punishment enough and it would be kinder to not put that on me.
Post # 14
@CorgiTales: Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!
Post # 15
We actually talked about emotional versus physical cheating in one of my classes last year and which one is harder to forgive. One girl actually has the mindset that she’s fine with her boyfriend being with other girls as long as he asks first and she can veto his choices and as long as there was no love/emotional cheating. I just had never heard that before and thought I’d share because that’s a whole different take on an answer to the question.
Post # 16
@bRooklynRocks: I totally agree with everything you said. If it’s old news and water under the bridge, why bring it up and hurt the other person? Also, I think couples CAN get over it definitely women more than men. Which is messed up in itself, but I think that’s the reality.