Post # 1
I think this is more of a rant than anything else but if anyone has suggestions, I’m all ears!
DH and I live overseas and he has been away from his family for several years….for the first time in his life. His parents divorced when he was a teen and he lived with his dad. Him and his dad have always been very close. FIL “used” to be successful career/money wise before the divorce. DH worked hard to get where he is and FIL is proud of him b/c he has “become” the man that FIL once was.
During the divorce, FIL lost everything….filed for bankruptcy. It’s taken him a while but he somewhat doesn’t have lots of debt. He does try to compete with DH and buys anything and everything that DH does….even if he can’t afford it outright.
FIL hated his job so DH pointed him in the direction of his career path and got him a job with his old company. FIL loves it. About once a month, DH mentions he’s talked with his dad about switching companies and coming overseas to our location. It’s way more pay and lots of travel opportunities.
It isn’t an argument but does get rather heated b/c DH misses his dad and all the “guy” things they used to do….four-wheeling, motorcycles, etc. although WE do that stuff together. I’m not 100% opposed to the idea but FIL does have a live-in FI (for over a decade) and a house back home. His FI won’t move b/c of her kids/grandkids so FIL would come alone. I feel this would break up their relationship for him to “abandon” her with the house and pets for a couple of years. Not to mention FIL is 60 and had a medical scare earlier in the year.
I’ve mentioned that we could pay for him to visit (which DH is all for) but FIL used up all his leave for this medical scare PLUS he has tons of medical bills from it….which is why he’s considering coming over here to work. And he couldn’t come for at least six more months to visit.
I’m not sure what to say anymore….as cool as it would be for him to be here, we ARE newlyweds and FIL would be alone since he’s not a big social person. I’ve also pointed out to DH that the only single guys here are super young (under 23) b/c everyone is married….and I’m not thinking these guys would hang out with someone his age.
So rant over, anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
It’s up to your FIL as to how he wants to handle his current FI. Obviously if he is thinking about moving away from her then there is probably some underlying issues they need to address.
I know if I moved anywhere my mom would follow. DH and I sometimes talk about moving south and my parents have made it very clear they would come. I’m her only daughter and DH understand that.
If your FIL would be getting a job then he would meet colleagues and wouldn’t neccesarily be with your DH 24/7 as they would both be working as well. The main issue seems to be like feel you will lose your DH to your FIL, have you discussed this with DH. Don’t get mad at him about his father but instead try to express the vulnerabilty you have with this situation. Maybe DH could see if differently and/or assure you that your relationship will not change.
Post # 4
I’m not even sure why you’re involved in this decision. If your FIL wants to move to be closer to his son then that’s his choice.
Post # 5
it is ultimately your FIL’s decision. could you both visit him? so your DH and his dad would get to do guy stuff but your FIL wouldn’t have to worry about costs/getting work leave
Post # 6
I would be excited for my DH if his parents or one of them moved closer to us.
Its great to be near family unless for some reason you think FIL is a horrible person. It sounds to me like he is a man who loves his son and hit a rough patch financially. Even if he has to leave his FI for a while, this overseas job for a couple years could get him back on his feet.
Is it possible that you are jealous of the time they might spend together? If your mother, father or best friend moved hear you, wouldnt you think it fun? Just because he has someone else to spend time with, doesnt make you any less important. It is certainly possible to have a talk if he does come about not wanting to be cut out of all the activities you two do together now, but they will have one on one time together. Thats the right and priveledge of a family member (within reason of course)
Post # 7
I don’t really see why this is anyone’s decision besides your FIL and his FI. And if he is willing to leave his FI for the move, that is his choice.
I’d be happy for my DH that he was going to be able to spend more time with his family. Family is really important to me. Your FIL’s medical scare has also probably made him reassess what is truely important in his life and it sounds like that is being able to spend more time with his son before he no longer has the chance to.
Post # 8
I guess I forgot to mention that FIL can’t come overseas unless DH puts in a referral for him. Their jobs require a certain amount of “time in” before going overseas since it costs the company lots of money to move someone and obviously the pay/housing is higher. FIL just started at the other company in January so he’d need DH to put in a “guarantee” to not only switch to the his company but for a position here.
FIL isn’t a horrible person but he is rather selfish…and that’s according to DH. We had an issue the night after our DW when FIL took DH out for coffee that turned into a few hours long dinner….which I wasn’t invited to. Nobody could get a hold of them and when DH showed up after midnight to the casino we were waiting for them at, FIL had gone back to his room to get up for his early am flight.
He didn’t say goodbye to me or my family and when the medical scare happened a few weeks later and he almost died, I was upset and crying that I never got to hug him goodbye at the wedding….I finally told FIL when he got better how that made me feel and he apologized and we’ve been better ever since.
And yes, I understand that if he breaks up with his FI, that’s his decision not ours. But he’d also be leaving behind BIL who is pretty much “alone” when it comes to family and BIL is having some legal/addiction issues that FIL has been his sole emotional support….
I think since DH’s company owes us “home leave” every 2 years, we might be up for it soon and we should plan to go there and visit them….although we have seen them (in the U.S) 3 times in the past 3 years…but always on our dime.
Post # 9
@texasbee: I guess I really dont see the problem. Is FIL unreliable? Do you think DHs job is at stake for recommending him for the position?
Sure the day after the wedding is a bad move, but your DH was there too. He should have cut it short. They are both to blame. That sounds like both your FIL and DH are “selfish” per your story. And even still, that one story doesnt show selfish to me. Shows poor judgement on both peoples side and doesnt effect his moving across county.
If he is indeed selfish then you have a talk when he decides to move there about what sort of behaviors are acceptable to you and your DH. Selfish does not make a horrible father necessarily. It makes the need for rules and boundaries.
sometimes you have to do what is right for you. That means your FIL and the financial gain may be best for him. Especially coupled with time with his son. 3 times in 3 years isnt exactly a lot. Sure, his other son has problems, but he has to be responsible for himself. Your FIL cant be holding him up all the time. It will only bring him dowm.
And really, most importantly, how does your DH feel about it? Would he like him there?
Post # 10
@ThreeMeers: FIL isn’t unreliable when it comes to work but them working in the same very small building might cause some issues since it’s a very political environment. Although DH would have someone else to bitch about his job to 🙂
DH does take after his dad and can be selfish at times too….his mom told him once in front of me that he needed to quit that crap or I’d wind up leaving him like she left his father. We talk about it all the time b/c DH now realizes that his mom wasn’t happy which is why she left….he’s been blaming her for years for “tearing apart the family” but has never found any fault on his dad’s part.
The week before our DW, we flew out and so did FIL/his FI and my family….FIL had made up a schedule of “fun” things for FIL and DH to do but some did involve me. The problem was he forgot we had certain wedding things to do and yep, I wanted my FH to spend time getting to know my family….his dad was pissed b/c we gave him only 1 entire day out of the 4 days prior to the wedding. Our wedding gift was pictures of that day framed so I know how much it meant to him.
3 times in 3 years was to visit his family….mine we’ve only seen 1 time so it’s hard to keep justifying to my family why I choose to visit his over them (considering it’s an international flight)….and our families live 3500 miles apart.
DH thinks it’d be cool to have him visit….and he thinks him moving here would be fun for a while but then, since his dad would be in single guy mode, he’d be wanting to spend every minute with him….I honestly couldn’t believe he’d be like that but DH said it caused problems in his 2 past relationships….luckily the girls were party animals so they just made plans with their friends every weekend. I think this is a concern of his that I’d be going out with friends b/c I refuse to sit at home alone all the time.