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I have two older sisters. When my eldest sister got married my mom was very hurt that her dress that she had preserved was not even considered in being worn. My other sister bought her own dress and used the excuse that she was too big to use mom's dress (okay she sort of is). My mom was devastated.
When I saw how hurt she was I just couldn't go out and buy my own dress, even though I wanted something poofy and princessey.. Her dress isn't horrible..the detail and bust is very nice, but the sleeves are so.. dated. When I hinted at having the sleeves altered and she said that's what makes the dress. Am I caring too much about my moms feelings here? On one hand it will be MY wedding but on the other hand I don't have many friends so it will most likely be a very small family wedding.. so what does it matter anyway.
What would you do? Alter or keep the way it is? If alter, how?
If you are going to use it, alter the sleeves. I think your mum would be pretty unreasonable if she got upset about that. After all, this is your wedding and your style.. its lovely that you want to honour her at all in this way.
I think your Mom needs to understand that she had her turn pciking out a dress, loving it and making some wonderful memories. I think you're entitled to do the same, every bride is!
What worries me is she doesn't seem to enthused about you wanting to alter it. Which could lead to a lot more stress for you and her down the line. You don't want a dress to get in the middle of you and your Mom and if you use her dress, there's a possibility it'll go down that route - whereas if you don't use it, she'll be hurt but she'll get over it (your sisters paved the way for you).
I think it'll be tricky using her dress because she obviously loves it and likes it the way it is. She might convince you to have everything her way ... resentment will kick in!
If you still want to use it, you need to be very clear with your intentions about altering it. If she's hesitant, then I think you should find your own dress to love.
I'd wear it buy totally remove the sleeves under that there seems to be a very pretty dress. I think if she wants you to wear her dress there needs to be a compromise to make it your own too
I'd pull a Lorelai Gilmore if my mom wanted me to wear hers. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bcxHAMoFso
So - no I wouldn't wear it to avoid hurting my moms feelings. :/ My mom had her day and her own dress, I should have that too.
alter it for a rehearsal or reception departure dress and get the dress you want for the wedding
@Vitsippa: The difference between each sister rejecting it is that there was always another daughter, until it got down to me, so me rejecting it would be a heartbreaker and I couldn't deal with that.
Okay I understand now that I've been too wishy washy with hints about altering. If she want's me to use it the sleeves are coming off and I'll have to be frank with her. Thanks. And I'm sure I could fit a petticoat under that sucker to achieve my more poofy vision.
I am clueless when it comes to alterations. I always knew I wanted the sleeves off but never thought much about my options past that!
Honestly, I would just tell her that you want to find your own dress. Wearing your mother's dress is something that should be special and heartfelt for BOTH of you, not something you do because you're the last resort after your sisters.
Just take her dress shopping and make sure to include her in the process as much as possible. Please don't wear it because you feel obligated. This is the dress that's going to be in YOUR pictures of YOUR wedding and YOU are going to be looking back in regret in 30 years... not her. It's fairly obvious you are trying to force yourself to be alright with it out of love for your mom, but in the end your mother wants you to be happy.
@zippylef: I completely agree.
As a PP said, your mom got to choose her dream dress and you should choose your dream dress too.
It's very kind of you to want to please her, but I don't feel you owe her this. And I think it's a bit unfair for her to put this kind of pressure on you.
NO way. I would be straight-up. "Mom, while your dress is lovely it's going to look very out of place in my wedding. I want something that fits me and my style and personality."
I think women always hope their daughter(s) will wear their dress one day; that's why they justify the money spent on it and preserving it. It NEVER happens. Don't feel bad!!!!
I think it's nice that you're trying to avoid hurting her feelings....but what is she doing to preserve your own feelings of getting to select a dress of your dreams? Especially since your vision of your dream dress is so far off from what her dress is? Personally I think the fact that she is "devestated" over her daughters not wanting to wear her dress is pretty selfish...like PPs said, she got to choose the dress she wanted, why shoudln't her daughters do the same? I think it's a little narrow-minded that she expected one of you to wear her dress, especially since it is such a dated look (especially with the sleeves). I woudln't feel bad...my mom wore her mom's dress, but told me flat out: I do NOT expect you to wear it (it was satin and from the 30s, long sleeved, but sleek. It's lovely, but very much not my style). As a way to honor my mom and my grandmother and the dress they got married in, we're having a section of the fabric cut off to wrap my bouquet in. Then we're cutting five other peices of fabric the same way so each of my girl cousins can do the same thing on their wedding day. none of us had any intention of wearing it, and no one pushed us to do so.
The short answer? yes, you're caring too much about your mom's feelings, when she should be caring about yours too. She is taking it a little bit too personally and it is pretty unreasonable to automatically expect your daughters to want to wear your dress/have the same style as you. You want something poofy and princessy...and your moms dress definitely isn't that, even without the sleeves. Think of how you're giving up the only opportunity in your life to go try on dresses and have taht special moment. Why wouldn't your mom want that for you?
I agree with PPs, you're way too concerned about your mom's feelings & she's being a bit unreasonable. Alter it and wear it for your rehearsal dinner but don't feel pressured to wear it as your wedding dress just because she would be hurt.
I think it is very unfair of women to expect their daughters to wear their dress. After all, didn't these moms get to go out and have the experience of trying on and picking out their dresses? Why do they not want their daughters to get to do the same?I preserved my dress and would love for a future daugther to wear it, but I know that is pretty unlikely, and I'd probably rather go along for the fun of trying on dresses anyway. Did your mom have a veil, headpiece, or something else you could wear?
Do not let your mom push you into wearing a dress you don't love, simply to placate her feelings.
@GreenEyedMoon took her mom's dress and did bridal portraits in it, then altered to wear as her rehearsal dress - which was a really neat thing to do and the dress looked adorable.......but it sounds like your mom is pretty deadset against alterations, at which point I'd say 'thanks, but no thanks'.
Nope. I hate to say it but your mother already had her day. This is one of the biggest days of your life, and should be about what you want, not about pleasing your mother. The dress is one of the biggest things, and you should be able to wear what you want to wear. Your mother may be sad about it, but she should remember that this is ultimately your day. Many mothers save their dresses in hopes that their daughters will one day wear them but the reality is that styles change, and something your mother loved 20 something years ago isn't exactly what you picture yourself in today.
My mom was a bit upset that I didn't want to wear hers. I ended up getting pictures taken in it, then getting it altered and wearing it for the rehearsal dinner. You can see the pictures/alteration journey here and the dress in action at the rehearsal dinner here. On my wedding day, I wore her veil. I think I ended up getting the best of both worlds.
Your mom is insane if she won't let you alter the sleeves.
EDIT: lol, @hisgoosiegirl: already beat me to it.
ok so my mom didnt ask me if i wanted to wear her dress, but i did find a good solution that maybe would work for you. my DH and i asked our moms if we could showcase their wedding dresses at the reception. we rented dress forms and put their wedding dresses on display (with easels next to them with our parent's wedding picture). it was a fun way to show off both our mom's dresses and people really thought it was unique. hope this helps you get out of your dilemma. you really deserve to have YOUR dress (whichever it may be) :)
(this is a picture of my mom's dress and my parent's picture. MIL's was on the other side of our candy buffet table)
Didn't read through previous posts-I think it's SO sweet that you're trying to please your mom. But, you only get one wedding day! I would not consider compromising my own happiness, to make someone else happy (unless it were my fiance) on my wedding day. Your mom needs to understand that times and styles change, and you need to experience your own wedding dress shopping and your own dress-I feel like it's a right of passage ;) If you don't want to wear it, don't. It's YOUR day, not your mom's. Ultimately, you need to make sure you and your FI are ecstatic that day, that's it. I'm sure you'll have to be gentle in telling her, but you shouldn't miss out on something so special just to avoid hurting her feelings. JUst my opinion. Good luck
I would wear the dress if it made my mom really happy, but would alter the sleeves for sure. She should understand that! Just sit her down and explain it to her, that it's not your style and it's either no dress or dress with no sleeves.
My mom wouldn't come out and say it directly, but she definitely would have loved for me to wear hers or at least her veil. I have come up with a solution I think she'll love though. When I get my bridal portraits made, I'm going to change into her dress and veil for a few professional pics and have one framed for her as a surprise wedding gift. Maybe you could do something like that?
No I would not wear my moms wedding dress just to make her happy. her dress was beautiful at the time she got married and considering I got married over 20 years later I chose a dress that was current. I wouldnt ask my mom to wear one of my outfits just to make me happy so it goes both ways
I was lucky, my moms wedding dress was stolen out of their car that night so I never was confronted with this LOL! I don't think it's fair to make you feel guilty about this... have you tried it on? Maybe she's thinking in her mind it will look amazing and then when you put it on she'll see that it doesn't. I would try it on and then tell her you want to go look at other dresses also... maybe when she sees you glowing in what you really want she'll realize it's unfair to ask her to wear her dress.
If you got rid of the sleeves, the dress would look great. My mom didn't have a wedding, but I doubt I'd wear her dress if it existed.. she wouldn't get upset over it either. Styles change.
I think your mom needs to at least be willing to compromise with you. If you are going to wear this dress, I think it would be fair to have the sleeves removed/altered to fit better with today's style. Also, maybe you could put a petticoat under the skirt to make it more poofy?
If you really do not want to wear it, I think you should get your own dress. You could always have some bridal photos done of you in her dress if that would make her happy.
@TigerFanRN I really like this idea. It would give her the honour of having you in her dress but would allow you to have your own dress as well.
Alternatively, but along the same lines, you could pull a Kate Middleton and wear her dress (alter the sleeves) for the ceremony and have your own dress for the reception (or visa versa).
You could make the sleeves into a cap sleeve, I think that dress would work well with something like this:
I'm not a "I'm a bride and this is all about me" type person, but I would stand up to my mom. My own has mentioned a few times wearing hers. We looked at it together and I gave her a few reasons why it wasn't what I had in mind. She accepted it and we moved on. I wouldn't have given in to her, even if she hadn't. Styles change drastically and I could never see myself in that style of dress. I wouldn't give in on this one if I was in your poition.
No. Just no. Your Mom AND sisters have had the joy of picking out their own dress, am I missing something here that you are not worthy of that same feeling?
@bloodtipped: You are so very sweet to be so considerate of your mother's feelings! Seriously, you're being a great daughter. However - and I mean no disrespect at all to your mother - I feel that she is being really selfish. She should want you to be happy and you should get the dress that makes YOU happy. The other day I told my FH I have every intention of selling my wedding dress after the wedding (It's a Monique so I need to get back all the money that I can on it!) and he said, don't you want our future daughter to wear it someday? And I said I highly doubt she will want to, by then it will be so dated!
Maybe you sit down and have a very serious, meaningful conversation with your mom and tell her how you feel. Maybe you could somehow incorporate a part of the dress in your own dress - using the material somehow? Or you could incorporate a part of the material in her dress as something to wrap your bouquet in?
I am someone who really cares about the feelings of others, and I would never encourage you to do something to willfully hurt your mom's feelings. However, I agree with pps that what your mother is asking you to do is just not right. It's one thing for a mother to offer her dress to her daughter and to even hope that her daughter wears it. It is another thing entirely to be "devastated" at the thought that none of her daughters will ever wear her gown and to insist that her youngest daughter wear it now that the two elder daughters have passed up the opportunity to do so.
Just as some brides tend to make things "all about me," your mother is, unfortunately, trying to make this decision "all about her." As nice a person as I'm sure your mother is, she really is being very selfish and insensitive about this. And she really does need to see that.
It would be one thing if this were an issue of lack of funds, and your parents were saying to you, "Honey, I'm so sorry, but we don't have money for a gown for you. The only dress we can provide is this one." That would allow you to say, "That's OK. I'm fine with purchasing my own gown." This is all about sentimentality for your mother. And, there's nothing wrong with being sentimental -- until it becomes about controlling others. Because of your mother's sentimentality, I am thinking that she would rather you NOT wear the dress (and upset her) than decide to alter it, because, if you alter it, then it won't BE her dress any longer, and she won't be able to take it out and look at it or even try it on again herself. I think any attempt to touch this dress would NOT be a good idea.
Instead, I think some pps had the right idea for you. What IF you decided to have some bridal portraits taken in your mom's gown and present them to her as a gift. I'm sure she would love nothing more than to have a beautiful, framed pic of this somewhere in her home. And, the idea that a pp noted -- of offering to display your mom's gown along with your FMIL's (if applicable) at your reception is also a nice sentiment. You mom may not even like this idea, but she would certainly have to appreciate the love you would be showing by making such an offer.
Finally, maybe there is something that your mom wore at her wedding (the pearl necklace, the earrings?) that you may actually want to wear with a new gown that YOU are able to select? And, if ALL else fails, perhaps you can convince her that fashions come and go in cycles and that the big, puffy sleeves of the 1980s just are NOT something that women are wearing right now for their bridal gowns. However, perhaps that look may return in the future, maybe when one of her granddaughters is ready to marry.
I wish you the best. You really should be able to choose a dress that YOU love.
No way... my mom said she would love it if I wore hers, but she certainly did not expect that I do so. I think you would really regret not being able to have the experience of finding "your" dress and that emotional experience of feeling like a bride and perhaps sharing that experience with your mom....
I wish you a lot of luck. I hope you make the right choice for you.... :)
If you wanna make your mom happy then great- all you really need is a few alternations here and there and the dress probably be something youd like to wear. Just make sure shell be okay with you gettnig rid of the sleeves and doing anythng else youd like to do with it.
it's your day. Your mom had her day. I don't understand the idea of moms pushing decades old wedding dresses on their daughters.
It's nice that you are concerned about her feelings but you deserve to wear a dress you absolutely love.
@GreenEyedMoon: Your rehearsal dinner dress is so cute! What a neat idea to use your mom's dress...I wish my mom still had hers!
OP, honestly, I think that dress would be lovely if it was turned into a sweetheart, maybe with some tulle underneath, and with some kind of sash or broach or something. I would do that in a heartbeat. But, that's just my personal style, and I would think it'd be cool to wear my mom's dress.
But, if you're doing it ONLY to make your mom happy, and think you'll be disappointed if you don't buy a new dress, I would just tell her the truth. She should understand.
The other alternative is maybe to use some of the lace, or make an accessory from some of the fabric, etc, so that you can have some of her dress "in spirit" without actually wearing it.
Good luck!
As an alternative to the bridal portrait idea, I know a girl who wore her mother's dress (unaltered) for her rehearsal, and then wore her own dress for the actual wedding. Maybe that would work?
(This assumes that you are okay with your FI seeing you in a wedding dress - even if its not yours - before the wedding day.)
@Captain013: he he he he!
OP, I happen to think youre mothers dress is very nice. Perhaps remove the puff from the sleeves and keep the lace on the arms? That being said.. I think it its sweet when a mother asks for her daughter to consider the dress she wore.. its cute. But when a mother gets devestated over her daughter saying no.. well, thats worse than a mom calling a shots during her daughters search for her dream dress. She needs to realize she doesnt live through you and you dont live through her. Tell her that in a sweet way so you dont devestate her even more.
I would NOT wear it if she wasn't willing to let me alter it to modernize it. It's very sweet that you're considering her feelings so much, but you should be happy in the dress you wear.
if GreenEyedMoon agreed, maybe you can show your mom the pictures of her mom's wedding dress/now her rehearsal dress and how lovely it looked after the alterations? unless you are an experienced seamstress/sew a lot, i think it can be hard to imagine what it might look like so i can see being concerned that the dress would be just ruined. but look how awesome it can be!
It's not "fair" for you to feel forced to wear your Mom's dress, when your sisters didn't. I enjoyed shopping for my dress so much more than I thought I would (and I bought the 12th dress I tried on- did it in less than 2 hours) I love the idea of wearing your Mom's dress (with sleeves removed) for the rehearsal dinner. The sleeves are what makes the dress so 1972 (?). I don't know anyone that's worn their mother's dress- styles have changed too much.
If the dress is in a style you are happy with, then go for it. If the style doesn't suit your figure or the idea you had for your wedding, you should find your own dress. Is she trying to save money? How about wearing her veil or remaking the veil so it works for you? As PP have said, she was able to choose her dress, and you should too.
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