Post # 1
I am recently engaged. Of course I am elated about this, but since I have gotten engaged things have been much more stressful than I expected. Budget talks are already beginning, and I doubt if my parents are going to be able to contribute much, plus on going family and friend drama have made me feel pretty freaked out the last few days. So, like most girls, when I felt down this evening, I messaged a friend. When I told her I was feeling stressed, her was her reply:
“You got engaged. Please don’t complain about it. Seriously. Think of all of us who would LOVE to be engaged right now and are thinking about why they are not.”
Is this not the rudest, most insensitive thing? Some friend. I consider myself a VERY sensitive to my friend’s feelings. This seriously blew me away. Obviously she is jealous of my engagement, but what happened to listening to your friends when they are having a hard time and validating their concerns? I wasn’t throwing it in her face. I came home and was crying and wanted to talk to someone. Call me selfish. Does anyone have a similar experience to this? I seriously would LOVE some positive feedback right now. 🙁
Post # 3
well she is going to have a hard time relating probably and it also sounds like as you said she is jealous or having issues of her own- it’s unfortunate but as a friend you also have to cut her some slack…
do you have any other engaged or married friends you can chat with?
Post # 4
. Unfortunately I have had to deal with this a lot myself from friends I never would have expected it from. I learned to keep things to myself more and only let it out to my FI. Whenever I talk to most of my friends or anybody about wedding related stuff I just put on a smile and say everything is great and it will be a wonderful day. Don’t let stuff get you down just have faith that it will work out. I’m sorry you’re having a lot of stress and drama right now but it will be worth it in the end. Just come to the bee to vent it out lol!
Post # 5
Some people are going to be jealous of your happiness. It’s crappy, but it happens. I wouldn’t vent to this friend anymore if I were you. Sorry she isn’t there for you when you need someone to listen. Like a PP poster said, you can always come here and vent away. 🙂
Post # 6
yes, she’s jealous and it’s probably rough for her to hear you “complain” about it. But she is also your friend and she should be there for you no matter what. If the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably want to vent to you.
I’ve learned a lot of nasty lessons since getting engaged I’m sad to say. I actually lost 2 good friends because they were so snobby and condenscending towards every single decision my fiance and I made in regards to our wedding, our living arrangements, etc. I’ve also grown very distant from some friends because they are already married and just can’t even act happy for me — like it’s no big deal since they’ve been there, done that. Like I’m “too late” or “too old” to be a bride or something — at the ripe old age of 26!
I’d give her another chance or two. Until she gets used to the idea of you being engaged, talk to her about something, anything else. Make sure you maintain the connections the two of you already have. Ease into the whole “I’m engaged/getting married” thing. Try letting her bring it up. Or say “I am happy and excited, but there’s also a lot of stress because …” or “Sorry to complain but I just have to vent to someone and you’ve always been there for me.”
Make sure she knows you still value her and her friendship. If she continues to push you away, which sadly might happen, you also have to prepare yourself for that.
It’s an unfortunate lesson I’ve had to learn over the past year. However, I’ve also learned who my true friends are and always will be, no matter what’s going on in our lives.
Post # 7
Maybe she just thought you needed a reality check.
I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape. Remember this was not a face to face converstaion. There was no tone of voice or body language that might have come across as more supportive.
Post # 8
Remember support/respect goes both ways.
You think she should support you while you are stressed.
She thinks you should support her in her sadness over not being engaged or with a special someone.
You have to find a happy medium.
Post # 9
I’ll be honest… I’ve been the friend that’s been in a relationship where marriage/future was a contentious issue, and tons of people all around were getting hitched. So if you’re not 100% sure that you know what’s going on with your friend, understand that there might be things going on in her life that could have prompted the reaction. “She’s just jealous” seems like a pretty boxed response that doesn’t really do justice to either side of the friend equation.
That having been said, I also got good (as that friend) at keeping my mouth shut and letting people talk about their weddings, etc. So I’m not saying you’re in the wrong to reach out to this friend for support.
I agree that messaging is a really difficult way to communicate because of lack of tone, gestures, etc.
Post # 10
I guess I feel a need to defend myself. I thought she would be a good person to talk to because we have both talked to each other about anxiety issues we have had in the past, and so I thought she might provide a useful perspective on this, because I think my own personal anxiety issues is contributing to feeling stressed.
Maybe from this I have learned there are some friends that you shouldn’t go to with relationship issues. I do understand that, but I think she could have phrased it better. Maybe I needed a reality check, but couldn’t she just say, “I am sorry you are so stressed! Just remember what a happy time this is! A lot of people, like me, can’t wait to be engaged!”
It hurts because I try my best to be there for my friends when they are upset. I am by no means perfect- for example, I should have considered more before I messaged her. But I have been there for her when she is upset.
I do appreciate all your comments. I hope you don’t think I was being selfish or inconsiderate. I was just upset, and I wanted to talk to a friend to feel supported.
Post # 11
Here’s the deal. she was being insensitive, but mostly because she doesn’t get it. She can’t have compassion unless she goes through it herself. and when that day comes, it’s going to suck for her unfortunately. If it makes you feel better, I understand what you felt, and have had to deal with stuff like that lately.
Post # 12
I think she probably could have been nicer about it, but sometimes things just hit a nerve with people. Say if someone is pregnant and their best friend just found out she couldn’t have kids. If they complained about weird cravings and swelling she’d probably say “Well at least you’re having a baby, some of us never will.” Entirely fair? No. But it happens.
Instead of getting huffy and offended, maybe just cut her some slack, realize it might have hit a nerve and move on to other things. Or just find someone else to vent to for now. It’s not always about jealousy, sometimes it’s just hard to hear about someone complaining about something when you’d love to be in their position.
Post # 13
@KatyElle: I was thinking the same thing. I know also that on another forum that I frequent, there was a lady that had been engaged and broke off the engagement but stayed on the forums. For her it’s hard to even read any of the wedding related posts because it makes her remember the hurt she felt when the engagement was broken.
I know that having been ttc for almost 2 years and having had a recent miscarriage, I’m pretty darn sensitive to ‘complaints’ about pregnancy things as well. I want morning sickness and all the other issues that come with a full term pregnancy so bad that often times comments that I KNOW are well intentioned hit me in just the wrong way and a couple of times I’ve lashed out before I’ve caught myself.
It sucks that you went to her for support and got that kind of response, but I have to wonder if there isn’t something going on under the serface that you don’t know about. *hugs* Sorry to hear about your anxiety and issues. I do hope that you get past these soon!