(Closed) Writing a letter to my fiance….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What do you think of the letter
    I think you should give it to him : (22 votes)
    51 %
    I don't think you should give it to him : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Man up and say it in person!! : (12 votes)
    28 %
    I think you should make some changes (which I will explain in the comments) : (8 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 3
    2622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would eliminate the 4th paragraph. It is starting to sound a little irrational and whiney there (although I get where you are coming from) but with that I would send it.

    Writing things down can help you get what you want to say across and the right way. But be there while he reads it so you can talk afterwards and so he can ask questions.

    Post # 4
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Everything you are saying and feeling is completely valid. The best piece of advice my husband and I were given when we were first engaged was invaluable to me, and I would like to share it with you: Make all decisions together, just the two of you. THEN when other people come to you with suggestions or requests you will already know where you stand– and it will be on the same page.

    I think you should sit down and talk about this all in person. The trouble with letters like this is that so much can be read in between the lines. Explain that you would like for your parents to have a bigger role in the wedding, and suggest that you both decide what that will look like. I would NOT bring up your friend, because it gives the impression that the issues are about competing with her. As you said, this should be about you and your Fiance.

    I know how hard it can be to deal with family, and you will likely have to compromise… but so will he. That is partnership, that is marriage. And it WILL all be just a happy memory sometime.

    Good luck!

    Post # 5
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Could you read it to him maybe? That way he can see your face and hear the way you are saying it–less room for misunderstanding. If that’s too hard for you to do, at least sit with him while he reads it so he can ask you questions/the two of you can discuss.

    Post # 6
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I think that writing all your feelings down was a fantastic way of getting everything you want to say in one place. Maybe instead of just letting him read it, you can read it out loud to him. If he is anything like my Fiance, he would probably love to hear you say how your feeling instead of reading a peice of paper, which could come across as not as emotional as you want it to. 

    Post # 7
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I also tend to communicate better via letter, especially with emotional issues. Perhaps you could read the letter to Fiance, or simply just give it to him. There is absolutely no reason why you should be miserable about your wedding. And if Fiance is the right man for you, he will listen to you and take your feelings into consideration. Being resentful because your wedding was hijacked from you is no way to start a marriage.

    Post # 8
    4433 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    You are technically marrying his family, or into his family if it sounds better.  The last paragraph kinda bugs me a bit and I would say to leave that out or change it but i’m trying to think of how..

     I would also change it to “Organize” instead of organise. 

     I suggest maybe narrowing your letter down to 3 paragraphs.  Men (not all) tend to jump or skip things, so getting your point across effortlessly and with less repeating would probably be best (as he can always re-read what you wrote again if needed)  




    Post # 9
    1186 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I agree that the 4th paragraph seems unnecessary. 

    (specifically: And this is going to sound really stupid, but I hate that [friend] is already planning her wedding (without any issues from her parents or in-laws) and, while I love her to bits, she is so ridiculously competitive that she will compare everything she does to what we do. I would love for our wedding to be as different to hers as possible so there are no grounds for comparison.)

    I also think calling yourself a “prized possession” is pretty ridiculous.

    Post # 12
    4433 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @LadyElva:  Ohhh ok! Gotcha, shows how much I know! 🙂 

    About the family….I get that he is also marrying into yours…just saying I wouldn’t dismiss his family totally from your wedding celebration.. It’s also about two families, whether close or not, becoming one.  

    I’d also like to add that I do feel for you!  I’ve felt some pressure to do things the traditional way because that is how his sister (who is getting married Sept 9th) is doing everything.

    I simply told Future Mother-In-Law that although our reception hall is traditional and the church ceremony…Fiance and I are far from that…we chose the place because of the food and the service.  Everything else will speak US, it is our day, they had theirs…it’s OUR turn.

    I think you should definitely talk to them.  You say that your Fiance isn’t close with them either, so maybe you both should sit down with them, because you can make sure your point gets across accurately.

    Post # 13
    1186 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Whenever you have a problem here’s how to solve it:

    1. identify (I am unhappy during wedding planning)

    2. break down the problem (your parents seem have too much control of wedding, I would like to be more involved in wedding planning)

    3. set a target (I’d like a wedding that incorporates X and Y of my family traditions; get married in a location that has Z available; spend $A amount of money)

    4. analyze the root cause (Your parents love this stuff; I gave up the reins early on; I didn’t want to stir the pot; My brother’s wedding was X; My parents Y)

    5. Develop countermeasures (I would like to have my parents more involve so let’s call them and say ABC. I would like you to talk to your parents about the reception location and see if we can look into other places. Let’s get the money from both our parents and make a budget reflecting what we want.)

    6. Implement countermeasures (Do the above.)

    7. Check to see how you feel

    8. Act. Keep doing things that work.

    That being said, I think you should stick to steps 1-4 with your letter and have a discussion to get to step 5.

    Post # 15
    3798 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I understand what PPs have said about things being taken out of context.  But I take the view that one should never apologise for how one feels.  I like your letter how it is.  Because it’s honest and heart-felt.  Maybe give it an hour and re-read, but otherwise, it’s all valid. Good luck 🙂

    Post # 16
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Were you not planning on taking his last name? Because if you are, I wouldn’t complain about it. But if you planned on keeping yours/changing it to something else then certainly leave that in.

    The topic ‘Writing a letter to my fiance….’ is closed to new replies.

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