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Hi, I'm relatively new to the boards. I was wondering about something. Six months ago I went to a VERY lavish wedding. On the invitations, they had written "No boxed gifts" on the bottom. I had not seen that before, but it meant to bring cash/gift certificates. What do you all think about this? It's a nice way to get cash or checks or gift certificates at a time when you really need the money, and also if you don't live in the area and can't take a lot of the gifts back on the plane.
I am now considering doing this for my own wedding but I'm a bit concerned because my mom says it can be perceived as "tacky." Would love to hear how most of you view the "no boxed gifts" line on invitations.
Yes, I think that is tacky. You can't tell someone to buy you a gift, let alone what type of gift.
Uber-tacky, sorry. Basically, etiquette demands that you (the bride) act like any gifts received are a total surprise - technically, even your registry info should be spread through your MOH/BMs/friends rather than from you directly, although I think putting where you're registered on your wedding website is okay. But putting anything about gifts on the invitation is a HUGE no-no, as is specifying what specifically you expect people to give you ($).
That being said, as a wedding guest I do think it's thoughtful to either ship large items to the couple ahead of time or give $/gift certificates at the wedding if it is not near their home.
It might be ify to put it on the invitation. On our website where the registries are listed, we put;
<span class="style_3" style="line-height: 16px">For our convenience and yours, please do not bring any heavy or large items to the wedding. Our address has been listed on the registry, so any items can be shipped to us.
We are travelling along with most of our guests. Also we had a honeyfund registry and put other non-honeymoom items on it. Which told our guests we would like monetary contributions as well.
I think only the Indian brides can get away with this one, apparently, it's not tacky (but commonplace) to do it there, according to another one of the girls here.
Not sure that it would go over well with your more "traditional" guests.
Husband and I were concerned at the time about receiving boxed gifts, but we decided against stating it on the invites and since we had mostly immediate family and close friends attend the wedding, I had many people spread the word for me. We still ended up with about 8 wedding figurines, but 4 of which were from HK and made of gold, so we didn't mind that! And a very nice Mickey & Minnie wedding frame, but I would say about 99% of our guests understood that we really appreciated monetary gifts over boxed ones. I had a few people ask me whether or not I was registered anywhere and I laughed stating I was registered at any bank they can imagine! It was a way for me to get the point across without blatantly stating we didn't want boxed gifts, but this is easier for me since my wedding was so intimate. But I would also be on the team of not writing it on invites as you don't know how some of your guests may react.
I think its only okay to put on your wedding website (not the actual invite) and you shouldnt flat out imply that you want cash/gift certificates only, but approach it like Cyshas above did and mention that since you're flying to your wedding it will be dificult to transport big gifts home, all gifts should be sent to your house.
Where I live (Northeast PA) I don't even have to write it. No-one will bring boxed gifts, only cards with only cash. It's just how its done here, or at least with all the people I know. I have never even heard of anyone getting a boxed gift in the weddings I have been to. If anyone brought a boxed gift there would be nowhere to put it.
Ok, thanks for all the input. When my friend did it at her wedding I didn't think much of it. I figured it was just convenient. Thanks again.
I agree with the Indian bride thing- it is very commonplace in the Indian community to write no boxed gifts so if you are Indian I would say go for it. . . if you want to get around it you can just register and get what you would want instead of what others would give you (but its not money unfortunately)- but you can often return return registry gifts for money esp at Bed, Bath and Beyond I hear. . .
i got an invite a few months ago that stated nothing heavy or large, as the couple was driving cross country immediately after the wedding to move to their new place. i didn't think it was tacky, because that reason made sense to me and it's something i wouldn't necessarily have thought of. depends on how you state it, i think.
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Ok I'm not even blonde and I would have just brought my gift in a bag or just not wrapped. I don't think that is traditional or very clear at all.
Haha...I thought I would have to bring her a vase in my hands--without its box! I'm glad I'm not the only one, but then I asked her and she said they would would appreciate gift certificates or money because they have to fly back out to NYC.
I think it depends on your culture. As mentioned, in some cultures it is quite normal; in some its going to be completely not understood. You can certainly spread the word that you are moving soon after the wedding, have a very small apartment, or whatever the reason that you don't need or want a lot of stuff - or mention that you are saving for a house, or trying to fix up your house, or whatever reason cash might be the most useful thing. I would hope that people would know if you don't actually live there, but if not maybe a subtle way to get the point across would be to have the return address/RSVP mailing to your address (rather than your parents) so that they see another city or state. And hopefully that way if they do buy you a place setting of china or something they will have it shipped. My sister got married in New Mexico, which was a destination wedding for most of us, and very few actual presents showed up. Most stuff was shipped. She also got lots more cash than normal in our family, because we let everyone know that they had just bought a house, and were still trying to furnish it.
Unless it's a culture-specific thing or a destination wedding (in which case I would still prefer a request to ship items to your home), it's tres tres tacky. I would be tiffed if I were a guest. I think it's inappropriate to reference gift issues in the invitation (ie mentions of where you're registered) altogether; telling people what to give you just plain crosses the line.
I do not think you should tell people what to buy you. At most, you can provide helpful suggestions, such as a registry. And that should not be mentioned on your invitation!
Why don't you see if you can register for gift cards or do one of those honeymoon fund registries? This may be controversial but is certainly less tacky than the invitation you had received.
i think mentioning gifts at all on your invitations is tacky.
I personally believe that it is only okay to do so if it is a destination wedding. It is inconvenient to have to ship gifts in and then ship them out again.
ick - please dont do this!! it's like "begging" for money... and one should never even expect gifts
I'm sorry, but I might just be the only one who doesn't think this is tacky. Our reception card read: "In lieu of a registry, the Bride and Groom are requesting monetary gifts, and gift cards to the following retailers..."
I have seen it worded in various ways on other invitations, and I looked it up on the Knot before I had the invitations made. I didn't want to go through the whole registry experience because my husband and I were already living together and have most of the things you receive as wedding gifts, and I knew I wanted to replace some of the things we had, but with what type, color, brand, etc. is something I hadn't decided. It seemed more practical to me to be able to change out the old with new when I felt the need to, and gift cards enable us to do that. At any rate, people didn't appear to be the least bit offended, and those who have their mind set on bringing an actual gift to your wedding, are going to bring a gift no matter what your invitations say.
Eww. I'm sorry, but ""In lieu of a registry, the Bride and Groom are requesting monetary gifts, and gift cards to the following retailers...""
I think that is awful. I mean, to each their own. But I am of the belief of registries being spread by word of mouth. The same would go for cash. If you don't want gifts, do not create a registry. And have your family/ wedding party spread the word that you would prefer money.
I recently received a shower invitation with the registry cards and my first thought was 'ew - tacky". I have not included registry cards and am relying on word of mouth.
I also would prefer money, but I know that some people expect a registry which is the only reason I created one.
Like most others are saying - unless it is a destination wedding DO NOT even mention gifts or money.
For my wedding shower I absolutly included the registry cards. I do not throw the shower for myself, and the entire point of a shower is to give the bride gifts - that's it! No wedding, just gifts. And of course the guests get a nice favor and some food.
I think it would be rude NOT to include that in a shower invitation. It makes it much easier for those attending.
Hi - I'm getting married in August in Boston and moving to Denmark after the honeymoon. I'm still wrestling with figuring out how to get all my stuff over there, without spending on huge freight costs. Any ideas of how to avoid sizeable gifts in a tactful manner? I am Indian, so I guess it is more common in desi-culture, but I don't want to offend anyone! Also, since a lot of people are coming from out of state or out of country, should I assume they wouldn't bring large gifts anyways?
Hi Majmud, and welcome!
You might get more hits if you start your own thread since this one's pretty stale, but here are my thoughts:
I'm also Indian, but I think "no boxed gifts" on the invitation is the tackiest thing I've ever seen. There should be *no* reference to gifts on the invitation in the first place. ARe you having a website? If yes, then the best thing to do would be to add a note and explain your situation: "We don't expect gifts, we just request your attendance at this special event in our lives. If you do wish to give us a gift, please know that we are moving overseas soon after the wedding so transporting large items will be difficult." (or something) Don't ask for cash...they can figure out what they want to do from there. Also, the fact that you're not registering anywhere will probably be a tip off anyway...and I'd say from what I've seen 80% of Indian guests will give cash no matter what.
Some people will say that even this kind of note on the website is tacky, but I think it's okay to put this level of guidance. It can otherwise be really difficult for gift givers.
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ok first of all, lets try to be respectfull of people's choices and not "EW" at them. THere's a way to express your opinion in a tactfull way without insulting anyone else.
I think there are certain cultures, (not just Indian), were gift specifications are totally acceptable. However, for the sake of making sure no one is offended I would not put registry info on the invitation itself. If you truely do not want gifts and would prefer money I think it's ok to mention this on your website or through word of mouth. I've seen wedding websites that have really cute poems about not needing anymore stuff but appreciating money. Also, if you say you are saving for a house or honeymoon or whatever, people will be more likely to give because they know it's going to something specific.
Here are a few poems I've found:
<div class="page_entry post_entry"><div class="body"><div class="body_message">We are sending out this invitation
In hope you’ll join our celebration
But if a gift is your intention
We’ll take this oppurtunity to mention
We have already got a kettle and toaster
crockery, dinner mats, and matching coasters
so rather than something we have already got
We would appreciate money for our honeymoon pot
But most importantly we request
That you come to our wedding as our guest
---------------------------------------------
Your presence at our wedding
Is present enough,
But if we're honored
with a gift from you,
May we respectfully request
a gift of money
To help the dream of
A honeymoon come true!
--------------------------
We didn't register
We don't need more stuff
But when it comes to financial help
You can never have enough!
I agree, no mention of gifts/ registries/ alternatives to gifts in the invitation according to the etiquette gurus. Wedding website is ok.
But aside from that, the whole phrasing is very unclear and stated in the negative. I would probably have thought they had concerns about the environmental impact of packaging, wrapping paper and boxes and would have brought something unwrapped.
If you want to put something on your website under "registries" how about: "Because we are moving cross-country soon [insert your situation here], we have not registered at any stores. If you would like to get us a gift our wedding, we would greatly appreciate a contribution to our honeymoon fund/ house downpayment fund/ house remodeling fund". That way it's clear what you're asking for and it's worded positively instead of negatively.
but if someone asks you, tell them what you want. we asked for Home Depot cards :)
I really don't see why people think this is so tacky. I mean registering tells people what you want as a gift, and in one way or another you tell people where you registered. Why is saying you'd prefer a gift of money or anything else any different, especially if you have travel constraints?
I think the wording could be different, like Sakoro's suggestion, and you might not want to include it on the invite. People will be wondering so if you could put it on your website, or have it go through the grapevine that would be idea. But hey if you want to include it then go for it, I personally appreciate knowing what couples might like as a gift and if I didn't have to go searching for it, even better. I think the taboo around it is so weird. Including registry information never comes along with a demand to provide that gift, and I think most people know it.
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@evelyn LMAO!!!! Totally was thinking the same thing...hmmm...maybe they just like real pretty gift bags...
@MissEsq...if you're going to do it that way WELL SAID!!!!
I won't say the "T" word but if that's what you want word-of-mouth is probably the way to go.
@aerika said "Including registry information never comes along with a demand to provide that gift, and I think most people know it."
Sometimes it can come across that way, especially if the first thing you see when you open the invitation is the registry information. Those little cards that the stores give you tend to fall out onto the floor as soon as you pull stuff out of the envelope, making them the first thing that the recipient sees. If you want to include registry information with your invitation, I think the best thing to do is create a separate information card with recommended hotels, directions, other things guests should keep in mind (outdoor ceremony on the grass-- might not want to wear high heels) and put a list of registries at the bottom. Somehow having a whole separate card conveys that the registry is one of the most important things about the wedding. And it shouldn't be.
Registry information on a shower invitation is appropriate. Yes, that is why you're even having a shower.
Registry information, or worse monetary requests, are not appropriate for a wedding invitation. ( I guess I can't comment on cultural differences.) Here's why:
1. As mentioned previously, you aren't supposed to act as if you're simply assuming you are getting gifts. It is ungracious.
2. If someone wants to get you a really heartfelt gift, but reads your invitation requesting money
!! That will fustrate them, disappoint them, etc. I wouldn't think a bride/groom would want to encourage those feelings in their guests, in regards to their wedding.
3. What if someone can't afford a large monetary gift, but could find something nice on sale? The families I know who have low incomes, are usually the best at bargain hunting. Now you're requesting money, in which they'll either make an undue sacrifice or feel embarrassed that they're giving you $25, when they could have found a great deal on something that they put thought into. (That would hopefully have more value than they actually spent.)
4. It might come across to some as if you are inviting them to the wedding because they are bringing a gift. The only time I see a request to to bring something to an event is if the zoo is looking for canned food for the food bank. "Get a $1 off admission..." Don't be a charity.
If you have a request for something, put it on the website. Word of mouth is good. But that's my opinion.
@Majmud -- my favorite suggestion so far is Sakoro's. If you put up a "Registries" section on your website, you can just write, "Because we will be moving to Denmark after the wedding, we have not registered for presents. If you would like to get us a wedding gift, we would greatly appreciate contributions towards furnishing our new home once we get there!" Also, if you know what your new address will be, you can distribute it to your guests and people who really want to give you a physical gift can mail it to your new place in Denmark.
No, you cannot ask for gifts, money or otherwise, which is why it's rude to put it on the invitation. When you were six and having a birthday party, did you include a list of what you wanted with the invitation? If someone got you something you didn't want, you just smiled and said thank you. Same with your wedding. You cannot ask people to give you a gift, whether it's money or off the registry.
I don't quite get why everyone finds asking for cash over gifts so offensive. I do agree it shouldn't go in the wedding invitation but I think it is gracious for the shower hosts to include registry info in the shower because it is poor etiquette to show up to a shower without a gift. That being said I also am from Northeast PA and I don't think I've ever seen anyone show up with a box to a reception. If I gave a gift I shipped it to the house but we always give cash. That's just how it is done in our circle. Frankly, I tend to give more money than I would spend on a gift.
I don't see anything wrong with listing on your Web site things like " We recently bought our first home together so if you wish to give us a gift we'd appreciate a gift certifcate/ money towards finishing our kitcher or furnshing your bedroom" or whatever.
Tacky, Tacky, Tacky. I'm not afraid to say it. If I saw this on an invite, I would just not buy a gift. I don't give money or gift certificates for weddings because it takes out the personal nature of giving a gift for you to start your new life out with. I will gladly ship to you, but the whole idea of an "envelope" wedding is appropriate only when the 2 of you have been together for years and already have everything you need- at the point, people just pay for their plates.
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