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She needs to tell your FMIL that she wanted the shower so she needs to take care of it. End of story. Continue on with your spa day, and let her do her thing since she is so adamant that you have it
Your MOH needs to talk to your FMIL and not involve you in this right now. It is understandably overwhelming. Remember that your FMIL is wanting to do this because she probably knows nothing else. If your MOH can't afford something like this and knows you don't want it she needs to be up front with your FMIL and just tell her the facts. If your FMIL wants to throw you a huge shower, I know you may not want it, but I think you should graciously accept it.
How frustrating!!!
I think something as simple as answering her question would do; "My understanding is that both of us were going to be throwing it, and I can contribute $20." That should take care of it.
I think your MOH is being great in this situation and it is ridiculous of your FMIL to stress her (and you) like that. Your FMIL is being unreasonable and needs a reality check. I actually don't think this is your MOH's job - it is really unfair to her to be hassled by this woman who's not even her family after being flexible and really making an effort to accommodate everyone's wishes. But since FMIL keeps contacting her, maybe she should write FMIL back something polite like: "Sorry for the misunderstanding, I am organizing spa day for Bride and Bridesmaids and Moms only. Bride has asked me specifically to do this and not anything else. Although she highly prefers no other shower, she would be happy for you to host one if you would like. As we discussed, about 10 guests at a small place should be fine."
If she continues bothering MOH (which honestly, I don't see how she can after a direct email like that), you can just tell her what you want.
PS Oh, and what about FI? Since he can (presumably) talk openly with his mom, he may be able to settle this quicker than you or MOH.
I'd say tell your MOH that FMIL is responsible for it since she is busy planning other parties and things like that... if it's not coming from you, FMIL can't really be mad at you and MOH probably won't care if FMIL doesn't like her.
I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I kind of think yeah, just go with the shower FMIL wants. And I also think MOH should politely wash her hands of the situation. She doesn't need the stress. However, if MOH pulls out and leaves the shower to FMIL, completely, your shower will turn from 10 person display shower to a huge traditional shower you don't want.
I think you should figure what's most important, no shower, or keeping peace with FMIL. And whatever goes on, I think it buck passes to your FI, to talk to his mom. I don't think this should be in your MOH's job description.
You need to call your FMIL and talk to her about it all. Tell her yourself.
Yeah, I feel really bad that my MOH was put in this situation. It really irks me what my FMIL did. I just don't understand why she would do all of that and not expect to be the one hosting the shower, or at least co-hosting it. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I'm so annoyed at this point and I'm probably just going to tell my MOH to ignore my FMIL and we will decide our own thing, probably a spa day.
I think you or FI should contact FMIL directly and make it clear that she is welcome to throw the display shower if she wishes, but that MOH will not be responsible either for planning or paying for the event.
Your MOH sounds like she's trying very hard to accomodate everyone, but she doesn't need to deal with this craziness either. Be sure she knows that it's not her job to work with FMIL on this monster shower unless she wants to for her own (masochistic) reasons.
Yeah, if you're fmil is driving your moh crazy and she can't deal with her anymore it may be time for you or better yet, your fi to step in and set her straight. It is his mom afterall. I'm really sorry though, that sounds like a really annoying situation.
I think you are being a little unreasonable. Unless you've been married five times and she would be inviting the same people to this shower, why would you mind to give your FMIL a day to shine by being PART OF a shower for you. I know it's all about the Bride's day, but I really don't buy into that. It takes a lot of people to make your wedding day special and I'm sure there is a way your MOH could contact her and agree upon a simple inexpensive shower. Your FMIL wants to be a part of the celebration and you are being selfish not to let her. Besides that, it's not like you're getting your teeth pulled. Cake, punch, and gifts... Why in the world could you not suck up a day of your life and let her have that? I'm sorry for not being supportive, I haven't even read the other posts, I just think that you seem a bit selfish and because you didn't want a shower in the first place, you seem to be making it a bit more dramatic than it probably is. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
@mlnpns - I don't think you are understanding the point of my post. What I was saying is that if my FMIL wants to have a huge shower for me, then she should be paying for the shower herself or at the very least partially funding it, rather than imposing on my MOH and expecting her to deal with it all on her own.
I feel that if my FMIL wants me to have a big shower with 40 some people, then she should throw it.
@mlnpns - I think that was a little harsh, especially because the other posts weren't read where some things were clarified. Not everyone wants a big shower, I personally am shy and wouldn't want to be the center of attention so I would try to avoid a big shower too. I don't think that makes a person selfish.
And it's not even the fact that there is going to be a shower, Tulip had agreed to attending a shower, it's that the FMIL had expected the MOH to throw a big shower with all of FMIL's friends and have the MOH pay for all of it, in addition to constantly pushing the MOH around, which was the real problem. I just think that all of the information should be gathered before such judgement is thrown out there that can really hurt other peoples feelings.
Anyways Tulip, just wanted to say that I definitely think FMIL is in the wrong and while it's nice that she wants to have a shower for you, she definitely shouldn't be expecting your MOH to pay for everything especially because she already told her that it would be a small shower. I would either talk to FMIL yourself or have your FI do it, so that she understands that she can't force someone else to throw a large party just so her friends can attend. Hopefully she can understand that and you get the shower or spa day that you are comfortable with :)
@Tulip - Do you have any updates on the situation? Did you or your MOH talk to FMIL?
I totally agree with you, if you FMIL wants you the have a big shoer than she should throw it. It's not fair for her to have put your MOH in that position. I think you and maybe FI need to sit down with her and explain the situation to her before she starts invitng people to this event that may not even happen
MOH needs to tell FMIL that she's NOT paying for it. It was FMIL's idea, it should be FMIL's pocketbook being used!!
Maybe FI can talk to his mom???
Hey there- I get not having the shower thing. But I also think that your MOH should talk to your FMIL about the plans and who's paying for what. Since they have been discussing things all along. You shouldn't be worried with the fine details of planning this party.
Also, from my own recent experience don't include the FI. Guys just don't understand #1 what a shower is and they get it all messed up. That's what happened with my FI last week.
We did a bridal tea for one of my showers. There wasn't any food expect some small dessert squares and she served tea/punch. Guests brought gifts but we didn't opent them there. The only problem I had with this is 2 gifts the cards fell off in transport to my house and then since it was all of the FMILs friends I didn't know some of their last names. They signed the cards with first names only. So now I have to get my MIL to tell me who they are so I can send the thank you card. Just make sure the display shower that their names are put somewhere on the gift.
@kierbear24 - Thank you for that! I was too frustrated at being called selfish by the other poster to rehash what I said in my original post. She obviously did not understand the situation, especially since I explained in my post that I was willing to do a shower for my FMIL because it was important to her, but that she was totally out of line to push it on my MOH and expect her to throw it.
@GirlWithARing - The situation is still a little up in the air. My FI talked to my FMIL and tried to explain things to her. The problem is that I think things have been explained to her before, but things tend to go in one ear and out the other with her. I also told my MOH to stop going back and forth with her because it was stressing her out too much. At this point, I think we are either gonna do a spa day or a small brunch shower that my MOH can handle.
Wow; seriously mlnpns almost sounds like she IS your FMIL. If you don't want a huge shower to sit in front of a bunch of people you don't know; then that's your choice. Not hers. I'm sure FMIL has some guests who will be attending the wedding; so that should be plenty. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting the shower. & even if you did agree on something small; since she's the one who wants it soo bad; she needs to pay for it; & tell your MOH that she will cover it; not ask who's paying..... O By the Way: I wouldn't worry too much about mlnpns comment. Sounds way too bias to me.
Well, if your MOH doesn't sign any paperwork, she's not on the hook for paying for it. This is obviously a completely ridiculous situation (which, could feasibly happen to me because FMIL seems hell-bent on throwing me a shower when I really don't want one...)
Definitely truck on with your spa day and just don't worry about it. Hopefully FMIL will get the message somehow or another.
sounds like your FMIL wants to see 40 of her own friends - she should throw a party (non wedding related!!) at her house instead of dragging you and your MOH into it. I'd have your FI squash it and be as blunt as you and other posters have been here. It's very unreasonable to demand a party unlike what you want and what your MOH wants to host, and then not pay for it. Very unreasonable.
You're definitely not being crazy.
BUT, I've learned in the last little while (between weddings and baby's) that showers are rarely thrown because the bride/new mother wants it, it's more for the MOB/older family members. So the best you can do is just grin and bear it.
That being said, it's out of line for her to expect someone else to be hosting/paying for it! You're poor MOH! I'd tell my bridesmaids not to do anything about it. If FMIL wants one so bad, let her plan it and foot the bill, otherwise I would just not plan one. And when she asks why she hasn't received the information for the shower, tell her that no one planned one for you, because your bridesmaids knew that you didn't want one.
I get so upset when I read posts on here about parents or FILs making demands about guest lists and parties or whatever, and then not fronting the moolah to take care of it all. It is absolutely insane. I cannot believe that your FMIL - a GROWN ADULT WOMAN - is expecting your MOH, whom I assume is closer to your age than your FMIL's, to PAY for a shower that SHE wants. Although I agree with a few of the PPs that the older generation LOVE LOVE LOVE showers - my mom's friends seem more excited about my shower than the actual wedding! - and that it might be worth sucking it up for an afternoon to make them happy, in this case I think your FMIL is being so unreasonable that I would call her up and say "I will not have any shower in any way, shape, or form. Period. MOH and I are going for a spa day, feel free to join us."
WOW...I personally would tell your MOH to tell FMIL that she thought she was hosting the event since she wanted it. I would tell her to also say to FMIL, "let me know what the information(where, when, what time) is so I can give it to all of Tulip's friends so they can come to the shower you are throwing her. Thanks!" and leave it at that...that'll let you know whether or not FMIL is really serious about a shower or not...that way, you can still plan your spa day with your girls at a later time...
A really easy way to passively avoid the whole thing is for your MOH to tell your FMIL that she will not be attending the shower that FMIL is hosting. That gets her off the hook for having to deal with her AT ALL about the whole thing! And if FMIL pesters her about WHY she's not attending, she can give any number of reasons:
Basically, get your MOH off the hook for talking to your FMIL at all. Then she would HAVE to talk to you about it, and your FH could step in and reiterate the rules of the shower!
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