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Ever since becoming unemployed about a year ago I feel like I have steadily distanced myself from my long term friends. Not because I am not working, although not working with the public any longer might have something to do with it, but because I REALLY feel a lack of commonality with some of my nearest and dearest friends.
I have become used to the rude questions from former coworkers regarding my lack of employment, our financial status and the stability of our marriage. Most of them I blow off as politely as possible and then mentally cross that person off my Christmas card list.
But I have no explanation for my friend's behavior. Since I have been unemployed I have received the following invitations: to concerts where the tickets are $300 a piece; weekends in ocean front suites at the shore; $25 a plate tea luncheons; just today a "destination birthday party" where the guest of honor invited 30 of her closest friends to a city halfway across the county for the weekend. Her vision is that we will all fly there and spend the weekend bar hopping with her while staying in $200 a night hotel rooms (which I realize isn't a bad price, unless you happen not to be working!) When my husband;s bestie was unemployed he didn't even make his buddy by beer on the "bros nite out" trips, much less invite him to drop about a grand on a birthday weekend!
I know some of you are students or working on really limited budgets like PuppyDad and I. Does anyone have any suggestions for handling these types of invitations? I'm sort of hurt that they even asked and when I tried to explain that I'm still out of work one of them actually said, "Well I thought you were out of work by choice, I mean gee, get a job already!" I've sent out over 250 resumes, it's not like I am not trying . . . .
Wow so rude! Do they not understand that you can't just turn a corner and get a job? I think that you should step away from people like that who can't understand the realities of life.
Maybe they think your feelings would be hurt if they didn't extend the invitation?
Are they just trying to make sure you feel included? (trying to find the positive here). The one who said "gee, get a job already" needs to be slapped though.
It may be insensitive, but they also dont want you to feel left out because you are unemployed. Is it possible they are going out of their way to not change their behavior and their activities to make sure they aren't treating you any differently? Or maybe they think its not an issue being unemployed if your husband is still working.
Eitherway, have you told them that thanks for the invite, that you love that they are thinking of you, but you cant afford to go? Mention that soon you all should plan a day where you can all hang out, but doing a budget friendly activity (may a girls night in and everyone brings some nibbles and a bottle of wine)
wow! obviously these people don't understand what's happening in this economy -- you can't "just go get a job" today. they might not want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you...i would try to talk to them again.
Personally, I'd rather be invited and decline than be completely excluded from the group. Just because your invited doesn't mean you have to go. Being out of work and having no money sucks and along with that means missing out on expensive things. However, at anytime you can invite friends over for a movie night, dollar redboxes are always a good idea and have your friends BYOB. That way you can still hang out with them.
The friend that told you to "get a job already" is an idiot and very immature to say that, but maybe because you haven't been around much they just don't get it?
Maybe, instead of not including you from their activities they continue to invite you because they don't want you to feel as if they have forgotten about you and no longer want you to spend time with you. Also, people not living in the same situation may find it hard to sympathize or realize that this may hurt your feelings.
Could you try letting a friend know that as much as you would love to attend their extravagant parties that at the moment it is not feasible for you to do so? Invite them to go have coffee or invite them over for you to make them lunch instead.
I was thinking the same thing that @missrobots was thinking, but the friend that made the comment about you needing to get a job was out of line. Maybe some of your friends may feel like not inviting you would be rude, and those friends may not be thinking the same way as your friend that was rude to you.
I think you should let them know that you can't afford to go on those trips until you find a job. Maybe they don't realize how the it makes you feel when you are invited to these events that you can't afford.
I'm sort of hurt that they even asked
although it must be hurtful and frustrating for you, i think what your friend is trying to do is not exclude you
goodluck, i hope things happen for your soon
I should have clarified in my original post that these are long-time friends from college who don't live nearby. The closest lives 3 hours away and the furthest away is actually residing in Europe, so we usually need to get together for the weekend and not just a movie night. I do have some local friends that I get together with for a luncheon monthly.
I think they are just trying to not make you feel excluded. For example, we have people from out of state we invited to the wedding who my FI didn't want to because he said they wouldn't be able to afford it. I told him that isn't a choice for us to make for them.
Rude friend though. That's certainly not called for.
I agree with PPs that they're probably just trying to include you. Would you rather they didn't even invite you or didn't tell you about what they were doing? Although you're not able to attend, which is completely understandable in this economy, I think it's nice that they're not trying to exclude you.
And actually I have told "Miss Get a Job" several times over the last year that her "events" are so elaborate that even if I WERE working it is unlikely that I would be able to afford to attend. A mutual friend actually told her very bluntly last year , "If I attend your Destination Birthday I cannot have Christmas for my husband and 1 year old son, therefore I won't be attending your birthday."
And I DO appreciate the inclusion, but this is not something that happens once or twice year, it happens once or twice a month! Also the interpretation is that my DH won't "let" me go, even though I have said multiple times we just can't afford it.
I agree, unless they're rude about you declining the invitations try to let is slide. which is worse: inviting you knowing you can't afford it or not inviting you at all?
I agree with everyone else that they were probably just trying to enclude you in their ventures, however I do feel as though their behaviour as far as telling you to hurry up and get a job is pretty crazy, especially if they know you've been trying.
It is also pretty nutty to have these events happen every other weekend, I could see once or twice a year but to go across the country is crazy. Are these people endowed financially because if they are that would make more sense I guess.
I'm really sorry about everything though. Not have a job and looking with no luck sucks, so -hugs-
I agree with PPs... I think they're just trying not to leave you out. You can't just be invited when it's convenient for you - how else will they know you can't come unless you tell them? The only thing you can do is be happy they thought to invite you and politely decline - they could be writing you off completely and that would be more hurtful (for me anyway).
Rude friend though - hopefully that reaction is abnormal.
It sounds like you're internalizing their well-meaning invites as something other than what they're supposed to be. Leaving out the gal who told you to get a job, just be grateful that you have folks in your life who want you around. Perhaps you could plan an event to have them come to YOUR town and have a home-cooked meal and an inexpensive weekend with you. :)
@SweetRose2011: Thank you Rose and all the other Bees for the encouraging words. I am unsure of their financial situation. I know one of the group has admitted bluntly to being deeply in debt and another member of the group has been known to say "Life is short and your creditors can't chase you once you're dead."
And yes, Destination Birthday travels EVERY weekend. She's been known to fly cross country to a concert and buy her tickets from a scalper at the door and to make this decision Friday nite after work. So these invitations come at least twice a month! I know she has a very good job, but that seems extreme to me.
Most of the rest of us are more concerned with paying the mortgage, keeping the car on the road, upkeep on the house, and either saving for a family or managing the one that we have. And no offense to "weekend with the girls" but if I can only travel once a year I'm doing it with DH ;)
though the majority of my friends and i are currently employed (emphasis on the CURRENTLY - we all know it could change at any time!!) we've still cut back on most things, especially expensive nights out and holidays. We do splash out every now and again, but not like before.
What i suggest is if this is really getting to you, organise a night in with the worst offenders. DIY some invites and decorations, buy some board games from good will and some used DVDs, stock wine and beer at the cheapest price you can find (or tell everyone to BYO), and show them how much fun staying in a saving money can be. The motto in my group of friends right now is definitely "saving is the new spending"...see if you can't spread it in your group too!
Good luck with the job hunt.....
It seems like you might have just grown apart. Your friends like different things. As you stated, even if you were working, you still probably wouldn't be attending these events. If they enjoy them though, I feel like they have a right to spend their money the way they want to. Perhaps they skimp on other things, who knows. I have to agree with PPs that they may just not want to exclude you. I'd way rather be asked than not - even if I couldn't afford to go.
Also, I agree with ScarletBegonia. Why don't you plan some inexpensive gatherings? Invite them to spend a girls weekend with you. Have an old school slumber party where you make pizza, watch 80s flicks, etc.
We live on a tight budget by choice so that we can contribute my entire income to my student loans. We are comfortable, but not comfortable enough to do expensive things especially if they are events chosen by others and not ourselves.
A lot of my friends don't get it; "but you have a good job" etc. They also have $12,000 loans for their engagement rings that they make the monthly payment on, piles of student loans that they have no desire to pay off early, etc. I hate being in debt so we are sacrificing.
So I just say "we can't afford it" and don't bother to explain myself anymore.
@lilacwire: That's a lovely suggestion which I have tried in the past. They don't want to come to my house. That sort of weekend is seen as "boring", they are concerned my dogs will aggrevate allergies, no babysitter and the kid is allergic, etc.
Not to mention that DH can't stand those "party girl skanks" so he's not all that thrilled about me hosting a pajama party.
Personally, I thought we were growing apart and while I found it sad I simply cannot charge myself into debt doing these things.
And isn't it also rude to continue to invite me when I have ASKED to be excluded? I mean, I know some of them get violently seasick, so I wouldn't invite them on a cruise . . .
I'd rather be invited than never invited at all! I think its an invitation as
"Hey Im still thinking of you and You are one of my nearest and dearest!!"
No offense, but not everyone is going to remember to NOT "hurt your feelings" because they are excited and want to invite you somewhere!
As a guest or invitee, you are to answer whether you are attending or not.
Maybe this would be a great time for you to ask some of your friends about employment opportunities.
Dammit, I'm always chiming in on these late but I'll give you my two cents anyways...
I, like a few of the PP's, think they are just trying to include you. I can honestly say that I am guilty of doing some of the things that your friends are doing to you (though I would never making the unemployed and "get a job" comments). Of my 3 best friends, one has a good job (she's a nurse), one is a SAHM and her husband doesn't make very much money and the other works part time and is trying to raise her 2 children on a very small salary. FI and I make considerably more money than they do and because of this, we tend to do things and go places that are a little out of their price range. For a long time I would cover my friends expenses but due to our wedding, the majority of our extra money is going towards that so I'm not able to pay for them anymore.
When I invite my friends to go out and do things that cost money, I'm not asking them to make them feel bad, I'm asking them because I want to include them. I'm never angry if they can't go. Infact, I normally expect them not to be able to but that will never stop me from extending an invitation to them. Your friends probably think that not inviting you to these things would be more hurtful than inviting you and having you decline.
Now, this chicky who made the "get a job" comment is a real piece of work...
I'll just say that I COMPLETELY understand the hurt feelings. Yeah yeah, it's true that they might be inviting you to make sure you're not left out but I don't excuse them completely, frankly.
I mean, what's the thought process here? "Oh, I'll invite PuppyMom, even though I know she's going through hard times right now, because I don't want her to feel left out."
Well, congratulations - you not only made SURE she felt left out, but you also RUBBED IT IN that you get to go!
Can you tell that my husband was out of work for a LONG time? I can't tell you how many times our feelings got bruised because people didn't THINK. I don't think your friends are thinking properly - I think they're thinking a bit selfishly. Assuming you have the same situation as they do.
@UpstateCait: Cait, I'm totally not picking on you personally. I hope you don't get offended, but I'm going to use your post as an example of my point. Your response was typical of most people.
"When I invite my friends to go out and do things that cost money, I'm not asking them to make them feel bad, I'm asking them because I want to include them. I'm never angry if they can't go."
It's interesting that the person inviting doesn't consider whether their invitation will MAKE someone angry - they're concerned with whether or not a decline makes them angry.
I take unemployment incredibly seriously. Anyone who has suffered with being out of a job for an EXTENDED period understands that it becomes this IMMENSE sore spot.
If you were going mountain climbing, skiing, running, horseback riding and swimming - you might want to invite all your best friends. But if one of those is a paraplegic, it's just not right. Sure, you might invite her to make sure that she doesn't feel left out, but C'MON - it's more than likely that she won't feel loved - she'll feel bitter.
I think this is a tricky situation, because if they dont invite you at all, and you later hear about it or see pics of them out having fun, you may feel that you are being deliberately left out of stuff. Some people are unemployed but still go out and spend a lot [either living off of their savings or on credit card] so I dont think you should be automatically be removed from the guest list of any upcoming events.
When I was a student and didnt have much money, I still liked to be invited, I would respond and say I'd love to come but honestly cant afford it, and sometimes if they gave me enough notice I would find a way to save for it and go.
To answer your original question OP - what the hell is wrong with your friends? What is wrong is that they are caught up in their own little worlds without a THOUGHT as to how their folly can make others feel.
Try very hard to take is a lesson for yourself and how you treat others. Make sure to think twice or even three times about how you affect other people's feelings and lives.
@coconutmellie: I dont want to get into a debate here but considering I am "guilty" of doing the same thing that her friends are (to an extent - I would never ask them to travel across the country), I resent it being implied that I am selfish. Selfish is actually the LAST thing that I am. I invite my friends because they would feel worse having not been included because of their apparent lack of funds than having to turn down the invites. Not to sound snarky, but I feel that the only reason you feel the way that you do is because you went through something similar and had a bad experience. You're not looking at it from the prospective of the other people involved in this situation. I dont think the OP's friends are coming from a bad place (except for that one who made the "get a job" comments), they're just trying to include her despite her going through some hard times.
@coconutmellie: Exactly! I explained to her 6 months ago that we simply don't have the money for these kinds of things and even if I get a job tomorrow we won't have the money for them for a while. That's when I asked her to please not invite me to these types of things.
It DID make me angry. I did some quick cost analysis and just the hotel and airfare will cost over $1000 for a 3 day weekend. That seems extreme for a birthday weekend.
Now for full disclosure: Miss Get a Job and Miss Destination Birthday are the same person :)
First you need to reformat your resume, then, hand your resume out to people face to face, not over the computer. Be greatful your friends are still inviting you out and invite your friends over for dinner and a movie at your house.
@UpstateCait: I think that some of them are coming from a "bad place" which is what I suspect (if I were to analyze deeply) is what is bothering me. There have been a lot of "sugar daddy" comments made regarding my husband. Miss Get a Job also made the comment that she "doesn't have anyone to pay the mortgage for her" if she "decides not to work for a year."
The fact is this girl started being hostile the day I announced my engagement. And because she never wants to do anything together except "party" in ways I haven't done since Sr. year of college OR tries to make plans like "lets go to a bar and pick up guys" when I'm SOOO off the market I do tend to believe that continuing to extend these invitations is done in a malicious way.
The truth is we could well "afford" to send me along on any and all of these little excursions, but it would have to come out of my spending allotment not out of a general household budget. And given that fact I would need more than 2 months notice, especially at the Holiday period, to be able to participate.
Your husband is not a sugar daddy, he is your partner. If your husband looses his job you take care of him and vica versa. It is called a marriage. The reason people get married is so that they can take on the world together, not so that they can split a mortgage 50/50. Even if you are not working you are still contributing to the marriage and the household. Your friend was totally rude.
I would be willing to go to a bar and help my single friend pick up guys once in awhile, but not every weekend. And your friend just sounds rude.
@angiexox: Unfortunately, I really disagree with this advice. Handing out unsolicited resumes in person in the current job market for jobs that do not specifically state an in-person application process will often guarantee that the cover letter/resume go straight into the trash. There are simply so many people applying for each position that hard copies often go ignored.
Going door-to-door with a nice cover letter and resume used to be a valid strategy but it's absolutely not in 2010.
askamanager.org has written extensively about this. She, by the way, has rock solid insights that helped my husband land his job recently.
Are your friends married? In a serious relationship? Would you go on these trips if you did have the funds? If yes, I see a little less harm in it, though if they are your friends, they should know when your financial situation has changed and when to start inviting you again. Do they bring it up to make conversation since that is what's going on in their life? If you wouldn't go anyways, even if you had the funds (and time), then it seems as though you have drifted apart and now have very different lifestyles and maybe an occasinoal catch up phone call or email is all the friendship has dwindled to.
Sooo why don't you just drop these friends? You feel that you don't have anything in common, you resent them trying to spend time with you (in a way that hurts your feelings, anyway), they say things about you that you don't appreciate, you can't connect due to finances and hurt feelings and different expectations of a night with the girls - seems like maybe you guys have just grown apart and aren't in the same places in your lives. Maybe it's time to move on since these resentments seem to be taking the forefront.
And to be honest, my husband was out of work for quite a while - it was tough to be sure. I get where you're coming from. But it's something you just have to work with and don't allow to become an "IMMENSE sore spot" or it will eat away at your confidence, happiness - and friendships.
@coconutmellie: Actually many of the local businesses have signs on the door stating they no longer take unsolicited resumes. Many are also big box places, so if you ask in the store if they are hiring they will just send you to the company website. I've been going through professional organizations, etc. I happen to know that for every opening in my field there are at least 400 applicants.
@MrsWrangler: Well I tried not speaking to them and I tried telling them to please go away as I don't think we have anything in common anymore. They felt we needed more time together. I've turned down invitations for years now, even when I did have a job. As far as trying to "connect" with me, I don't really think that is what they are doing when they ask someone that doesn't drink to go bar hopping.
I was always the designated driver in college and frankly I'm tired of it. And the trying to sleep with my husband and then saying he's gay when he won't sleep with them -- so not cool!
@puppymom2006: From one designated driver to another, I feel you there :)
I guess it's just good to remember that people connect in different ways. My hubby and I are recent college grads, have jobs, pay bills, have independence - all our friends who haven't graduated and still live at home with their parents don't understand us, because we're at different places in our lives. We've grown apart. The discrepancy in our lives (they're still in college partying til 2 am and we're in bed by 11 for work the next day...) is something we're learning to deal with, or rather learning who's worth getting through this time with. You and your friends have obviously grown apart too - some people bond at bars, some people bond at home, and you're clearly not on the same wavelength. So if they're not good enough friends for you to want to weather this bad time with, end things - just stop taking their emails, texts, phone calls, and fbook messages. They'll get the picture :).
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