Post # 1
Ever since becoming unemployed about a year ago I feel like I have steadily distanced myself from my long term friends. Not because I am not working, although not working with the public any longer might have something to do with it, but because I REALLY feel a lack of commonality with some of my nearest and dearest friends.
I have become used to the rude questions from former coworkers regarding my lack of employment, our financial status and the stability of our marriage. Most of them I blow off as politely as possible and then mentally cross that person off my Christmas card list.
But I have no explanation for my friend’s behavior. Since I have been unemployed I have received the following invitations: to concerts where the tickets are $300 a piece; weekends in ocean front suites at the shore; $25 a plate tea luncheons; just today a “destination birthday party” where the guest of honor invited 30 of her closest friends to a city halfway across the county for the weekend. Her vision is that we will all fly there and spend the weekend bar hopping with her while staying in $200 a night hotel rooms (which I realize isn’t a bad price, unless you happen not to be working!) When my husband;s bestie was unemployed he didn’t even make his buddy by beer on the “bros nite out” trips, much less invite him to drop about a grand on a birthday weekend!
I know some of you are students or working on really limited budgets like PuppyDad and I. Does anyone have any suggestions for handling these types of invitations? I’m sort of hurt that they even asked and when I tried to explain that I’m still out of work one of them actually said, “Well I thought you were out of work by choice, I mean gee, get a job already!” I’ve sent out over 250 resumes, it’s not like I am not trying . . . .
Post # 3
Wow so rude! Do they not understand that you can’t just turn a corner and get a job? I think that you should step away from people like that who can’t understand the realities of life.
Post # 4
Maybe they think your feelings would be hurt if they didn’t extend the invitation?
Post # 5
Are they just trying to make sure you feel included? (trying to find the positive here). The one who said “gee, get a job already” needs to be slapped though.
Post # 6
It may be insensitive, but they also dont want you to feel left out because you are unemployed. Is it possible they are going out of their way to not change their behavior and their activities to make sure they aren’t treating you any differently? Or maybe they think its not an issue being unemployed if your husband is still working.
Eitherway, have you told them that thanks for the invite, that you love that they are thinking of you, but you cant afford to go? Mention that soon you all should plan a day where you can all hang out, but doing a budget friendly activity (may a girls night in and everyone brings some nibbles and a bottle of wine)
Post # 7
wow! obviously these people don’t understand what’s happening in this economy — you can’t “just go get a job” today. they might not want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you…i would try to talk to them again.
Post # 8
Personally, I’d rather be invited and decline than be completely excluded from the group. Just because your invited doesn’t mean you have to go. Being out of work and having no money sucks and along with that means missing out on expensive things. However, at anytime you can invite friends over for a movie night, dollar redboxes are always a good idea and have your friends BYOB. That way you can still hang out with them.
The friend that told you to “get a job already” is an idiot and very immature to say that, but maybe because you haven’t been around much they just don’t get it?
Post # 9
Maybe, instead of not including you from their activities they continue to invite you because they don’t want you to feel as if they have forgotten about you and no longer want you to spend time with you. Also, people not living in the same situation may find it hard to sympathize or realize that this may hurt your feelings.
Could you try letting a friend know that as much as you would love to attend their extravagant parties that at the moment it is not feasible for you to do so? Invite them to go have coffee or invite them over for you to make them lunch instead.
Post # 10
I was thinking the same thing that @missrobots was thinking, but the friend that made the comment about you needing to get a job was out of line. Maybe some of your friends may feel like not inviting you would be rude, and those friends may not be thinking the same way as your friend that was rude to you.
I think you should let them know that you can’t afford to go on those trips until you find a job. Maybe they don’t realize how the it makes you feel when you are invited to these events that you can’t afford.
Post # 11
I’m sort of hurt that they even asked
although it must be hurtful and frustrating for you, i think what your friend is trying to do is not exclude you
goodluck, i hope things happen for your soon
Post # 12
I should have clarified in my original post that these are long-time friends from college who don’t live nearby. The closest lives 3 hours away and the furthest away is actually residing in Europe, so we usually need to get together for the weekend and not just a movie night. I do have some local friends that I get together with for a luncheon monthly.
Post # 13
I think they are just trying to not make you feel excluded. For example, we have people from out of state we invited to the wedding who my FI didn’t want to because he said they wouldn’t be able to afford it. I told him that isn’t a choice for us to make for them.
Rude friend though. That’s certainly not called for.
Post # 14
I agree with PPs that they’re probably just trying to include you. Would you rather they didn’t even invite you or didn’t tell you about what they were doing? Although you’re not able to attend, which is completely understandable in this economy, I think it’s nice that they’re not trying to exclude you.
Post # 15
And actually I have told “Miss Get a Job” several times over the last year that her “events” are so elaborate that even if I WERE working it is unlikely that I would be able to afford to attend. A mutual friend actually told her very bluntly last year , “If I attend your Destination Birthday I cannot have Christmas for my husband and 1 year old son, therefore I won’t be attending your birthday.”
And I DO appreciate the inclusion, but this is not something that happens once or twice year, it happens once or twice a month! Also the interpretation is that my DH won’t “let” me go, even though I have said multiple times we just can’t afford it.
Post # 16
I agree, unless they’re rude about you declining the invitations try to let is slide. which is worse: inviting you knowing you can’t afford it or not inviting you at all?