Post # 1
I’m writing here because I want to know your thoughts on this. I’m very early in the waiting stage. SO and I just started to talk seriously about marriage and our future this past December. When we had our first discussion, I asked him when he thinks we’d be engaged by and he said “by 3yrs” which is Fall 2012. He didn’t just decide 3yrs on a whim, I know he actually thought about it. I actually liked the timeline and was happy about it because it coincided with mine; I wanted to be engaged by the time I graduate or earlier so I know where to start job-searching.
OK, a little background: I’m in a PhD program and average time to graduation is 6yrs, which is 2013, so being engaged in 2012 would be perfect. If I were engaged, I’d know I would settle in this state and then look for positions here – job searching generally begins ~1yr prior to graduation. I came to this state for school, have no family or many ties here, my parents would love nothing more than for me to come home, I could find jobs at my home state or even abroad which would be exciting.
Anyway, I just found out I may get to graduate in 2012 now. So, now what? If you were me, WWYD? My main concern is: Do I job-search at places here, or at my home state? Keep in mind: It’s not like I could throw out a bunch of apps and wait for a call back; the job-search process for me involves me pinpointing just a FEW people/places where I want to be hired by, and then massive networking on the part of my committee board to help me with it – basically, I shouldn’t apply to places where I wont want to work in because its a waste of time (months) for everybody involved.
At the same time, I don’t want to push SO to scale back his timeline. But I’d be FURIOUS if I ended up with a job here and then we don’t get engaged. (It’s not that I don’t trust SO because I do, but you know, things can happen.)
Post # 3
It’s very exciting that you will get to CHOOSE where you end up. Everyone I know in PHD programs basically had to take jobs where ever would take them and was beneficial to their career.
i think you should talk to him about the possibilities and where he can envision the two of you starting your life together. I would also address how he feels about uprooting and starting all over in another city.
I don’t think when he proposes should affect your job hunt. It sounds as though you are both already committed so it shouldnt matter!!
Post # 4
Why not talk to you BF about the timeline, his reasoning for the 3 year time frame, and how he would feel about an earlier engagement because of your graduation timeline?
We can’t give you answers – only he can. Communication!!!! Being open about this is the only way to not risk having resentment.
Post # 5
If it’ll be 3 yrs in Fall 2012 that means you guys have only been together about 1.5 yrs right? Nothing wrong with that, just think you shouldn’t try to move it up – you might freak out your SO. Why don’t you talk to him about your future and see what you guys envision. If you see your future in your current state then plan accordingly. If not – ask if he’d want to move. It sounds like you guys are on the same page, so if I were you I’d plan as if you guys were going to get married and live happily ever after. But at the end of the day u have to do what makes you happy.
Post # 6
His reasoning for 3yrs is because he thinks that is a reasonable amount of time to know someone before making that leap of faith. TBH, I was surprised by his decision because everyone around him dated for years and years (his best friend: 10yrs and counting) and married much later (they’re older). So, I am very happy that he knows he wants to marry me and has a plan to do it, I don’t want to push his timeline if I could help it. He is such a careful planner in almost all aspects of life and this was actually the first decision I’ve seen him make without reservation.
Asking him to move would be too cruel. We met here. His family, friends and work are here. This place is probably the BEST place in the world for his career and asking him to move would mean asking him to give up his life as he knows it. We actually live in an area I would LOVE to settle in, its perfect for our lifestyle, and there are quite a few job opportunites for me here as well, the only negative thing for me is that I have no family here. I’d love for him to be my family. I knew going into the relationship that I wouldn’t ask him to move.
Now that I think about it more thoroughly, I think I’ll talk to him about it but most likely it will be me who takes that leap of faith first and work here. Good advice that I should be planning as if we’d get married and live happily ever after.