WWYD? Costly bach party…

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
11 posts
  • Wedding: May 2015

I would tell her that you will pick up your own tab and that you will make sure to pitch in for the bride WHEN YOU ARE THERE.  Do not send her any money, as that money will probably be used towards the other girls things….If she has a problem with it, speak to your bride friend yourself and explain the situation, letting her know that you will pitch in when you get there, maybe picking up her drinks tab or something.

Post # 4
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Perhaps the $30 is your part of paying for the bride’s day? I would ask what it’s going towards.

Post # 5
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think non bridal party guests should have to pay. So rude to ask. I probably wouldn’t go.

Post # 6
6450 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@AlwaysSunny:  +1

Ask what that is going towards. Were you planning on pitching in for the bride’s costs?

Post # 7
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I don’t thinks is that big of a deal…were you planning on spending less than $30 for the bachelorette party? I don’t think you’re being rude necessarily, but if you’re over it, just don’t go. I have had to turn down parties before b/c I knew I would want to spend more money than I had. 

Did the hostess book everything before running it by everyone? She probably figured up the costs and split it between everyone and now she’s got to scramble to figure out what to do with you not paying. Not smart of her…if that’s what happened. I can’t imagine anyone planning that kind of day without making sure everyone was on board…

Post # 10
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsWBS:  +10

@Skittles131:  Hostesses should not host events and then *expect others to flip in money* If they do, great, but it should not be an expectation when you are slapping your name on an event as “hostess.” Just my two cents.

I would not be attending this: $100 is a lot of money to a LOT of the population, especially to spend on a day trip for someone else. I have not attended 2 bachelorette parties for the same reason: one bride understood…and the other hasn’t spoken to me since.

There is nothing wrong if you want to just go for part of it.


Post # 11
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I voted on your Poll… but am leaving my detailed reply here, cause it fits more with Etiquette than Party.

Lol, and as many know on WBee, I use the moniker

Etiquette Snob here… lol

To begin many of my posts on the topic.

So here goes…

To be honest for what is planned $ 100 is probably reasonable.  Mr TTR likes wine, and knows a lot about wine.  A day of Winery Touring with Lunch can easily cost $ 100 per person (if not more).

BUT what I have a problem with is what you wrote on the other Board… where the Hostess has invited you and basically told you to “suck it up”

That isn’t right.

When someone plans a Party / Event / Occasion, proper etiquette dictates that they take the feelings / needs of the Guests into consideration… infact this is the MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT of Proper Etiquette when planning.

This Hostess clearly hasn’t done that… she is just thinking about the Bride, the Honouree… which is fine & good… BUT not her ONLY concern.

This is ONE reason that Bachelorette Parties are most often held for JUST Bridesmaids, because the planning that goes into them is talked over with the group to decide BOTH what the Bride would like, as well as what “the team” can afford to do

In this case, the Hostess is obviously including others outside of the Bridal Party, perhaps a “nice gesture”… but she didn’t consult anyone from the sounds of things in regards to pre-planning the event to find out what (a) folks wanted to do, or (b) could afford

You’ve now been put into an awkward situation (and awkwardness is rude)

This isn’t the type of event you would normally attend… BUT you want to be there for your friend the Bride because you have been invited…

So you should be given consideration (again that word)… to be able to attend whatever portion meets your needs, and just pay a small portion of the event to cover her cost and yours (for whatever will be going on while you are in attendance)

If you feel $ 30 is affordable, and reasonable… then I’d just pay it and go

(Conversations about money are always awkward… and honestly, this is WHY they are regarded as inappropriate and rude traditionally.)

BUT if you feel $ 30 is a lot, then ya, I suppose you have 2 choices… Ask, or not attend entirely.

If you choose not to go, I’d send a card / note to the Bride saying you were sorry you couldn’t make it but had a prior commitment (a white lie)… OR you have to admit that it just wasn’t your thing… being a non-drinker etc.

If she is a good friend, she’ll understand

As for the Hostess… YES SHE WAS RUDE.  Not only in asking you to “just pay up already”… but in as I said Planning an Event in such a way.

It is NEVER appropriate to plan an event and ask folks for fixed amount of money… a “contribution” in some cases (like a Bachelorette) is fine.  In which case the correct thing to do as a Guest is ask… “Ok, how much exactly do you need, is this costing ?.  Cause I want to be sure and pay my fair share”

But for example, at a Shower etc, it is NEVER ok to “collect” upfront … as in “We are buying XYZ for the Bride”.  No-no-no.  If people want to pool their resources on their own… organized on their own with others then that is fine, but never should anyone be made to feel obligated to do so by a Hostess. Just plain wrong.

Which is WHY… Bachelorettes really should be for the Bridal Party alone, or maybe in some cases a few very close others (like family members… maybe a Sister, SIL who isn’t in the Bridal Party)

I hope this helps some… sorry that you are being put on the spot by this awkward situation… the fault really isn’t yours.  (( HUGS ))

The Etiquette Faux Pas is 100% that of the Hostess.


Post # 12
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Skittles131:  Yeah, I understand that. I would get an explanation or not go. I quit putting up with that kind of drama a long time ago…my friends are usually up front about that sort of thing, but they can be a little catty behind someone’s back when they ‘rock the boat’. 

Post # 13
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Agree that $100 is a lot to pay, and also agree you should know what the $30 is for.  I get that the hostess if probably just trying to make a *perfect* day for the bride, but if she wants to do all that, I think SHE needs to be the one to foot most of the bill.  Honestly, I probably wouldn’t go to a bach. party that asked for more than $50-$60 tops, and that would be for a very good friend.  It’s becoming a little crazy how much people are now expected to pay to attend bridal showers/bach parties/weddings/engagement parties for EACH couple.

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