Post # 1
title says it all. A good friend of mine (who I don’t see super regularly, due to how far we live apart) is dating a married guy. She confessed this to me at an alumni event we attended together over the weekend. He is married but is ‘in the process’ of leaving his wife. 2 kids (don’t know ages). His wife doesn’t really know he’s leaving. She knows the marriage is struggling, but does not think of them as separated. He’s fully having an affair, from the limited info I got.
I just said ‘you’re kidding, right??’. She told me they’re soul mates and so in love (blah blah blah) and he never really loved his wife in the first place (barf). We were in the middle of an event so I didn’t want to freak out or cause a scene. I just wanted to shut the convo down asap.
I am on the fence between just cutting ties with her completely, or trying to reach out and say WTF ARE YOU DOING!?!? And trying to talk some damn sense into her. This seems SO out of character for her, I just feel like maybe she needs someone to knock some sense into her. She also told me I am the only one who knows. So I feel like if I don’t try to have a sit down chat with her, no one else would, and who knows how far this could go?
Post # 2
Sounds like she already made up her mind. If you are already ready to end the friendship anyways, then what would you have to lose by talking to her.
Post # 3
I would let her know I disapproved, but it’s her life, and then keep living my life and stay out of it
Post # 4
I would probably mind my own business. It’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing is wrong, and I doubt your opinion is going to make her end this relationship.
Post # 5
I believe in finishing old business before starting new business, but not everybody thinks that way. Clearly she has justified this in her mind. I bet he is telling the wife a different story.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Let her live her life the same as she’s letting me live mine. She’s not an idiot and knows dating a married man isn’t ok. If you’re close she likely also knows its not something you would approve of, although she’s grown and doesn’t need your approval regardless of how stupid her decisions may be. I wouldn’t encourage her discussing their relationship with me and if she brought it up would probably say something smart like, “How are his wife and kids doing?”. Doubt she’d want to keep confiding in me after that.
Post # 7
do you know who it is? TBH I’d probably send an anonymous note to the wife. Helping someone cheat is not cool IMO. I wouldn’t want to be part of keeping that secret.
Post # 8
italianbride0508 : I would stay out of it (although I think it is a load of crap). I would tell her I don’t want to hear about it or discuss it.
I wouldn’t stop being her friend unless she was disrespecting me personally.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t get involved. Assuming she’s a good friend otherwise, you aren’t the morality police to stop being her friend or lecture her over her life decisions.
You totally have the right to tell her the topic is off limits for discussion.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris
I would voice my disapproval to her and then stay out of it.
Post # 11
I have a very similar situation with a friend. 7 years on she’s still seeing the man with a wife and kids and she’s had no other relationships from 26 to 33.. I said my piece and backed away from the friendship quite a bit because I know the wife and it’s too messy to be involved in. Tell your friend that the reality is that this won’t end well but it’s likely she won’t listen. Even if he does leave his wife I don’t think the future will be easy for them. I’m sorry for you because it’s a HUGE burden being the only one to know.
Post # 12
Oddly, “what would you do” is something that came up in a conversation with Fi yesterday. One of our friends is sort of in a similar position, but chose to maintain the friendship…
Sleeping with or dating a married man is only a mistake when you had no clue the wife didn’t know, and that what he was doing was wrong. Any decision to do so after learning the truth is an act of abhorrent selfishness and inhumanity. It is a show of despicable character, and nothing less. Knowingly being the other woman is so horribly selfish and cruel that to me, it’s absolutely grounds for ending a relationship. I’ve ended a close friendship for that reason alone.
In your position, however, I would talk to her first. I think she should know that what she’s doing isn’t ok, and if you mean something to her, maybe hearing you say it will get through to her. I’m sure he’s saying all the right things, and has her really convinced (bc cheaters are manipulative) but his wife deserves better than this, and your friend deserves a healthy relationship with an honest man. If she shows no remorse, or intent to end the relationship, then cut her off. At least that way she’ll know why.
Post # 13
Just let her live her life. Don’t cut ties. She’s your friend.
Post # 14
I don’t know exactly who he is, but I could probably figure it out. She told me his first name and where he works/what he does, so I could probably cyber-stalk and figure it out. Not sure I’d tell the wife on that info alone, because I wouldn’t be 100% sure.
She thinks it is NOT an affair and it is not wrong because ‘their marriage isn’t good and he never loved her’. I did say the word affair and she was kind of miffed and said it’s not like that because ‘they really love each other and are meant to be.’ Or some other, equally eye-roll worthy, line.
I feel like he is telling her a bunch of bullshit and she’s just eating it up. I am totally assuming he’s giving the wife a 100% different story.
With regard to ending the friendship- I feel like maybe someone like this isn’t really someone I want to hang around….kind of a you are who you hang out with kind of thing. How can I keep a friendship going when I think what she is doing is so horrible and I don’t want to hear about her life? At the same time, I do really like her and am sad to lose the friendship. She did ask me what I thought and if I’d like to go on a double date with them. I was so shocked I don’t think I really said anything except I needed another drink.
Post # 15
My friends know I’m not going to sugar coat things for them or lie to them so if this were a friend of mine I’d be very honest and blunt about my disapproval. I’d let them know that I thought they were doing a shitty thing and that they are setting themselves up for heartbreak and a lot of drama in this situation. I’d question why she wants to be with a man who married and had children with someone he supposedly never loved. I would tell her that “meant to be” doesn’t give her or him the right to hurt other people and disregard thier feelings. I would discuss it with her exactly once. Then, I don’t want to hear about it or be a part of it (absolutly say no to the double date).
I wouldn’t stop being her friend though. Good people make mistakes. They are blinded by love or fear of being alone or naivety. It doesn’t make her a bad friend. It doesn’t even necessarily make her a bad person. We are more than a single bad decision.