Post # 1
My friend is in an interesting situation. I’m definitely not getting involved in it, but it made me curious what you bees thought about it.
My friend has been dating this guy for 3 years. They live together and have been since very early in their relationship. She definitely wants to have kids. It’s something that she feels strongly about. Just recently, when she asked her boyfriend for a timeline for them getting engaged he told her the reason why he hasn’t already proposed was that he was afraid that as soon as they got married she would want kids and he has absolutely no desire to ever have children. She seemed shocked by this information.
My husband and I are really good friends with her boyfriend, too. And this wasn’t news to us. We felt that he was pretty vocal about not wanting kids, and we’ve heard him say this in front of her. She said that she thought he had been joking this whole time because he wasn’t ready for kids now, not that he would never want them. Obviously, they have very poor communication skills.
What would you do in this situation? Would you stay with him because you love him and you’ve invested 3 years of your life with him, knowing you would never have kids? Would you leave him? Would you stay with him and just hope he changes his mind?
Personally, having children is very important to me. So, I would probably leave him. But I also probably would have had a conversation about this much earlier in the relationship, too. It’s much harder to leave after 3 years than it would be early in the relationship.
Post # 3
@Tomato22: I would have to go! FI and I had a similar situation after 1 year and I said if thats truely how he felt I would have to move on. We took a week apart and he determined that he was really scared to have kids, but wanted to have a family with me. If he’s been vocal about it this whole time it’s totally unfair for her to push the issue, and unfair to herself to stay if children are very important to her. She’d likely end up resenting him, I know I would. But maybe she’s a better person than me lol
Post # 4
@Tomato22: I was in a similar situation. I have always been very vocal about not wanting children, however my ex thought that I would eventually change my mind as I got older. Not true, so I ended up leaving him because I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of it. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible.
Post # 5
@Tomato22: My friend was in this pretty much exact situation. She was dating a guy, and had changed her whole life for him. She has desparately wanted kids since she was 19, and she said she was going to marry this guy one day. I said, “But he had a vasectomy and doesn’t want any more kids.” She said she was willing to live with that. I knew she wasn’t. I asked her what she would do when she saw me or her cousin with a baby and knew she gave that up?
It was the focal point of many fights for them, and eventually they did break off the relationship, which was a good idea. If you really want kids I think it would be very hard to compromise otherwise.
Post # 6
@Tomato22: SO and I talked about this on our 2nd date! Haha! The biggest issue we had was if the mother should stay home or not (He said he’d like the mother of his children to stay home, and I voiced my concerns about being in that situation and not having my own money, and we’ve slowly had talks about how it would look for me to do that since we’ve been together 3 years and are talking marriage now).
We’ve also said that we were okay with the idea of not having them if that’s how it turns out (like if we CANNOT have kids for whatever reason).
If he were to change his tune and decide that he really DOES NOT want kids….well…I’d be sad, 3 years is a long time and I would have some thinking to do.
If he told me on our 2nd date ‘I def don’t want kids’, it would have been a deal breaker for sure. If we were to tell me know, I’d probably take a step back, see if I thought I could be happy without them and if so, then I’d stay and if not, I’d leave.
Seems odd to me that they waited so long to have this talk. Maybe she just heard what she wanted to hear in the beginning?
Post # 7
I’ve seen one of two things happen: they go through a hard, hard break-up and eventually mend and find someone else, OR they stay together and the bitterness and discontent only grows, ending in resentment and heartache. Leave.
Post # 8
@Tomato22: I would absolutely end the relationship now. Yes, she has “invested” 3 years with him, but neither of them has changed their minds and she is the only one with a real “expiration” date when it comes to meeting her goals. He could date her for the next 2 decades and his goals are met. She doesn’t have that luxery, especially if she wants biological children (or even just adopting a young child).
Unfortunately, being madly in love with someone is not nearly enough. If you are going to build a life together, you need to want the same life. There is no compromise for a couple where one wants kids and one doesn’t. One kid isn’t a compromise and isn’t fair to the kid. (Believe me, I had a mom who didn’t want kids and fell in love with my dad, who when asked as a child what he wanted to be when he grew up always answered “a dad”. Although no one told me until I was an adult, it was always painfully clear that mom was not happy with her role, even with a successful career and my dad doing all the nuturing.)
Post # 9
I was in this situation with my exbf. We had never seriously discussed it before. He had stated he didn’t want them, I’d stated I did. Then one day he said something like, “I know one day you’ll change your mind.” And it hit me, we were both assuming the same thing – that the other was going to change. We dated 5 years, it was a really hard choice to leave him but clearly it was for the best. Once I started dating my husband I realized how different my ex and I were, it wasn’t until I found someone I was truly compatible with though. I guess you always hear that marriage takes work, but until I found the right person I didn’t know how easy it really could be.
Post # 10
I’ll never get how some folks dont figure this stuff out upfront.
My FI dated a gal like this for a few years. He has two kids from another relationship 10+ years ago, but anyone that knows him can tell you it is VERY clear he doesnt want any additional children. He has no issue saying it in front of anyone and everyone.
So, he starts dating this gal, and after awhile the kids thing comes up and he tells her doesnt wish to have any more. Long-story-short: dated for a few years, with her regularly asking him why the relationship wasnt “progressing”, and him reminding her it wasnt *going* to because they are not going to be on the same page about wanting kids. Finally, after her trying to convince him again to reconsider children, he broke things off with her.
I met this girl when we first started dating because we had mutual friends, and she mentioned to me that she feels FI “doesnt know what he wants” regarding more children…trust me, he knows.
Post # 11
Unfortunately that is a core value and life decision. If they are not on the same page the best thing is for them to seperate. If she gets pregnant he will resent her. If she doesnt have a child she will resent him.
Post # 12
A lot of assumptions were made in the situation you described @Tomato22: . Like you said, communication is definitely not their forté.
If I were her, I’d leave. However, FH and I discuss kids (not having them) almost every week…so we are both very clear on our thoughts so far.
Post # 13
If something was really important to me and my partner just wasn’t on the same page and never would be, I’d leave.
Post # 14
@Tomato22: there are very few things i consider dealbreakers, and that is a deal breaker.
Post # 15
I just couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want kids AT ALL. What if there was an accident? It’s like he’s not leaving an option for letting life happen. I’d be terrified that if I accidentally got pregnant he would resent me and/or the baby.
I want kids badly, probably more because there’s a risk that I can’t have any. Even if I couldn’t conceive, I would adopt.
I’d be understanding if someone was afraid to have kids or not sure about kids…but a big fat no? NO.
Post # 16
@Tomato22: I would leave, because like I would leave FI if he really wanted children. I don’t want kids. And I won’t have any just to please someone else. Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t realize, when you start a relationship, how important theses matters are and need to be discussed. Or, you’re still too young and don’t know yet what you want in your life. Some people have known it forever ; others discover as they grow older that maybe they don’t want to have kids that much, and the process can take years before they can finally decide what they want. This process has to be made before any children is born, because a child doesn’t deserve to be a ”compromise” between his parents ; he needs to be loved and have both parents dedicated to his well-being and education.
When I met FI we both talked about it and we knew we didn’t envision ourselves with children in the future. I wouldn’t have dated him again if he had told me he wanted kids, and he would have done the same.
Good luck to your friend, but I don’t see how they will ever be on the same page about such a crucial element …