Post # 1
That’s yet again for the Bee, not me personally. May be TMI.
So I was looking through my guy’s computer for a file he has of random crap he found on the internet. I found about ten porn videos or so. Short, and rather tame (though there was one with nunchuks. WTF?)
Now, that doesn’t concern me too much, especially since he downloaded them when he was deployed. But on another occasion (before I moved in, but while we were together), it was on his most-frequently-visited sites thing. I tried to write it off, knowing that one of his friends likes to pull up porn stuff on other people’s computers and set it as their webpage.
The part that would bother me is if he regularly uses porn – because he isn’t satisfying my needs as is. (He wants sex twice a week, I want it more like four times a week.) I feel fat, plain, I know I’m not his “type” (he stated that I’m not his type when we set up our first date)… He’s done nothing to suggest he thinks I’m fat and plain. I mean, it’s far from a deal-breaker, but it does make me not enthused about planning our honeymoon (no, he hasn’t proposed yet.)
Do I ask why he still has porn on his computer? Do I leave it be? Or do I only tell him if he asks why I seem down?
Post # 3
I’d ask since it does bother you. You should be able to discuss with him especially if he’s Fiance material!
Post # 4
id say drop it. guys (and lots of girls) enjoy porn. unless you have some moral objections to it, id probably just drop it. my hubs and i have sex 4 or 5 times a week and i know he still checks out porn online. in fact, his friends email links to each other! i think its pretty gross and strange, but from what ive gathered its pretty standard for guys
Post # 5
Rather than bring it up directly, I’d start a conversation about sex generally, and your needs vs. his. If the porn comes up in the course of the conversation, fine, but it seems as though the real issue is how his lower libido makes you feel.
Post # 6
The porn is not an issue. The sex (or lack thereof) is an issue, though, that you should probably talk seriously about before getting engaged or married. If your sex drives are really that different, you need to have that on the table openly and decide how you are going to deal with it. And if, somewhere in the back of your head, you think he is not actually attracted to you (note: I’m not saying that there’s any reason to think this is true, just that you sound kind of insecure about it), then you need to let him know that’s how you feel and brainstorm ways to alleviate the feeling. Which might be more sex, or just more compliments, or more non-sexual cuddling, or whatever. And it might include him agreeing to clear his browser history when he looks at anything online so that it doesn’t feed your insecurities. But him liking porn doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you, or that he’s replacing you with it. Most men like to look at porn, even if they’re screwing their partners daily.
Post # 7
It bothers you, and he isn’t taking care of business… these things need to be discussed if you are thinking of marrying him or even spending more time with him. You only have one life, don’t waste a moment of it with a man who makes you feel badly about yourself, or under… pleased.
Post # 8
Porn is a very specific thing. In every relationship feelings on this subject differ so it’s really about your comfort level. I know for me personally I was a little thrown off at first about porn sites and porno magazines, but now that FI and I are farther into our relationship I really could care less. He’s away in camp a lot and I can understand how he might like to have those things handy lol. Even if he wasn’t away I don’t think it would upset me too much because he’s a guy and it’s only natural to be curious. It would be a different story if he had a closet full of hidden stuff, 5 millon web pages saved, secret emails, chats etc. etc.
Try not to get too worked up over it. Boys will be boys. You have to trust your man about these things or you’ll make a mountain out of a mole hill. If it really bothers you than try having a really open and non-confrontational talk with your man about it. Maybe hearing his perspective might help to ease your mind.
As far as not getting as much sex as you want, well to be honest that could become an issue. Sex in a relationship is really important. You two should be on the same page. Is there a reason for his low sex drive? He could possibly be stressed or dealing with some underlying issues that you don’t know about. I think if this was my realtionship I would try to address this topic first. Once you’ve covered your bases about your sex life it might be easier to discuss the porn subject. It might also help you to gain some insight and some understanding.
All in all the best advice I can give is to be open and calm. Don’t get upset when discussing these things or you might end up with bigger problems than you expected. If you can stay calm and lead an open discussion than I’m sure you can work this out.
Post # 9
I would talk to him about it if it bothers you. DH rarely watches porn and when he does, it’s with me. I, however, watch it more often and enjoy it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or find him attractive. It’s just fun. Perhaps that’s how your man sees the situation. Just be open with him and let him know how you’re feeling.
Post # 10
@historienne: Exactly as historienne said. Porn is not the issue here, porn is a separate activity from sex all together. The problem here is you not being satisfied. You need to sit him down and talk about that, without mentioning the porn at all – that will just make him defense and again, is not the real issue.
Post # 11
He’s a guy. I’m sure he uses it more than just when he is deployed. I also think that it has nothing to do with you. Men masturbating is a different thing than them sleeping with their GF/wife/whatever. It is an easy means to an end, or a fantasy thing, or a stress reliever/helps them sleep kind of thing.
And, of course you should talk about it with him if it is bothering you. That’s what having a relationship is for! It’s really important that you guys be able to have an open dialogue about sex. Also, mention to him that you have been hanging on to “not being his type” all this time. At least give the poor guy a chance to convince you it isn’t true!
Post # 12
If this is bothering you enough that it is casting a different light on your sex life, please please please do your relationship a favor and bring it up with him. Try to talk in I terms and not You terms (I, I, I, not you you you) and frame it in terms of how it makes you feel. His reaction may tell you a lot about your relationship, and don’t get me wrong it could be something good! The use of porn is not standard behavior for men (it’s common but it is not a built-in behavior) and it’s OK if you feel it’s unacceptable in your relationship! You’re not a prude or a shrew, etc. Own your feelings and be totally open with him, you deserve it!
It could be he just forgot to delete the vids from his computer…
Post # 13
OK, I told him (through e-mail – I just couldn’t face to face. The porn part, yes, but not WHY it bothered me.) And I feel worse. And I wish I could just keep my mouth shut.
(My mom just called. Because I feel cruddy, I’m not worth her time to talk to – and she said as much. Makes it really hard when I feel cruddy about something to do with my boyfriend. I put on a happy face, cook dinner, and break down in tears once we go to bed, leaving him hurt and confused. I’m not SUPPOSED to feel inadequate. I’m SUPPOSED to be grateful (which I am), cheerful, and strong.)