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I'm also in the boat of not being bothered by it. The way I view porn is very simple: it's a tool. You can do the work without it, or you can use it and get the job done in half the time.
I agree with you, Anglea83. I think it's normal to find other people physically and sexually attractive. The problem starts when one starts to contemplate acting on that attraction. Merely noticing and appreciating is simply human. Would I want to KNOW specifically who my FI is attracted to? No, not really. But I wouldn't be suprised at all if an attraction arises somewhere down the road. I've found other men attractive, but I would never pursue anything beyond noticing, and I would expect my FI to do the same. With porn, I feel that as long as it doesn't interfer with the relationship and both partners can discuss their feelings on the issue openly, it's not that significant. It all comes down to respect and communication, in my opinion.
I feel the same way. My SO likes to sneak onto my laptop (reinforcing all of my mac > pc claims he likes to fight against), and once in a blue moon, when browsing my history, I'll notice that he had visited a porn site or two. Being the charming princess I am, I proceed to relentlessly poke fun at him about it. I will ask him 20 billion questions about what he watched and what he prefers to see, while he sheepishly tries to change the subject. I honestly don't really care if he watches porn. As long as he doesn't lie to me about it, and it doesn't become a psychotic addiction, I don't see a problem.
If I was around to please him every time he became sexually aroused, I probably wouldn't eat, sleep, work, or exercise. If he wants to take care of himself while watching videos of assumingly "hot" women, he can have at it. Does he find these women ascetically pleasing? Sure. Does he want to marry them and share his life with them? No. That's all me, baby.
OP - I completely agree with you. My DH and I both will make comments about finding other people attractive and it doesn't bother either of us one bit. We've both watched porn (only separately at this point but hopefully at some point will together too!) and don't find anything wrong with it. Watching porn or seeing other attractive people doesn't make me want to have sex with them or anything - I still only want my DH!
So basically - no, you aren't the only one who feels this way!
And for the attraction side of it, which I didn't answer in my first post, I completely agree with you. I think it's totally natural for each of us to find others attractive. Just like FutureKMM, we actually enjoy talking it over with each other... its fun for us to people watch and say, "do you see her/him!? What do you think??" I think that people who are uncomfortable with their SO being attracted to other people is usually more of an insecurity with themselves and/or their relationship.
Totally agree, glad to hear I'm not the only. Although I'd rather that my FI doesn't resort to porn, I totally understand when our schedules get off whack and he's on his own!! Just like @ME Team said... it's simply a tool. I totally trust him and don't get offended by it.
I agree. I don't think that as a person you can ever turn off the initial thoughts that you have about thinking someone is attractive. As long as you aren't acting on being attracted to someone else. We used to be long distance so I understand that sometimes our schedules don't work together. I'm not completely crazy about porn all the time but every so often is okay.
I agree. My hubs and I have a very healthy sex life, but I know he's got a, um, healthy relationship with himself too (though his porn of choice is more erotic literature that images). It just doesn't bother me. If it affected our sex life, maybe it would bother me, but I just consider it part of human sexuality.
@Angela83: Whew, I was starting to think I was the only one! Like you said, I completely understand and respect the views of those who have objections to porn. Personally, I'm simply not upset by my FI looking at it. I've had occasion to use his personal laptop in the past and saw a few tell-tale sites come up in the browser history. I also noticed that the stuff that he was looking at was representative of MY body type. My reaction was "Awww, you really DO like my body!"
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only woman who shares these views. I see nothing wrong w/ porn. While I may not have the supermodel or even typical woman figure, I still know FI adores me & wants to be w/ ME. It would be dumb of me to think that once we got together he could NEVER possibly think another woman was attractive.
I'm the same! I honestly don't care about porn in the slightest. My guy looks at it and then clears the computer history (I think he's probably sick of me poking fun at him), but I wouldn't care about finding it there. TBH, I watch it sometimes too.
FINALLY!! Totally agree. I could care less if my BF is watching porn on the tv, computer sor even going to strip clubs. As long as he's sleeping with me at night...hell if I care! I've said on other posts that if BF goes out with the guys & they go to the strip clubs I would even give him an extra $20 for a lap dance.
There is nothing wrong with looking at others attractive human beings....NOTHING! We've watched porn together before and most of the time we are making fun of it because some of the stuff out there is just so.....stupid really.
BF told me a story about an ex of his. She got all upset bc she woke up one night to find him pleasuring himself. Seriously?!? I said if that was me, I would just roll over and me "thank god I don't have to do it for you" and go back to sleep. But to wake me up it would have to take an 9.0 earthquake!
Like Izziebear said..if I was to be there all the time I wouldn't have time to have a life.
I am totally with you ladies. I am completely open to porn. This will sound odd, but when I was in the army, I would take part in the "porn parties" the guys had in the barracks, where they pooled their porn for people to peruse as a group. It also wasn't uncommon at parties at a house for a "porn room" to be in place, where porn was playing, and people would come and go, with a drink, watch for a few minutes, then re-join the party. It wasn't "sexual" per se in those situations, but it gave me a lot of insight into what guys found attractive vs unnattractive, sexy vs silly etc.
I work shift work and FH travels about 1 week per month for work, so although we don't openly discuss it (we do reference is subtly) we both have to self-service at times, and if he uses porn to do so, that is fine with me, sometimes I need to fantasize to get myself going as well, and if porn/erotica helps, I don't see a problem with it.
As far as I'm concerned, my opinion is actually in the minority..while there are posts about women upset, whenever I voice my opinion very few share that opinion. I don't like porn. I just don't. I'm not open to it at all. Good thing is my fiance is just as vocal, if not more so...
It's objectifies something that's meant to be loving. It reducces sex to machine and it degrades women. Enjoying your sex life is one thing, but being reduced as a machine used for another person's sole pleasure--well I don't agree with it. Whenever my Fiance and I have had sex, we do it for the pleasure and the love of the other--not focused solely on our own gratification. I understand using toys to help spice up and enjoy the sex for each other, but not porn.
My natural inclination as I've stated in previous posts is that it feels like cheating on both ends. Thankfully the only person's opinion other than mine that matters is my Fiance and he agrees. I'm not going to say he hasn't watched in the past, but as far as our relationship--he hasn't.
Fi and I both watch porn when our schedules just don't mesh, and we both know.
But, I'm very insecure and so our only "rule" about it is that I don't want to see it. He clears his laptop history, just like I clear mine. (Also just a good rule to avoid embarassment. :) ) Sometimes I'll ask him about it, though. It doesn't bother me to hear about it... I just don't want to compare myself to the girls in the videos.
I'd be upset if he were doing it when I was around, but it doesn't bother me at all if he needs a little relief while I'm not available.
In my personal relationship I don't agree with porn. At one point of our relationship he was spending more time pleasing himself than seeing me. It ended up almost ruining our relationship. He isn't watching it anymore which wasn't just my decision. He realized that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and me and porn couldn't work together. So luckily for me he chose me! :)
It has a place in some relationships and in others it does not. I trust my fiance so I know that if he watched something with friends or something as long as he doesn't lie about it I would forgive him.
And if we ever get separated for a period of time.. thats when boudier (spelling is so wrong there) and sexy picture albums would come in handy :)
I personally don't see anything wrong with watching porn. My SO and I watch it together he never watches porn alone. I also don't see a problem with going to strip clubs, we go to strip clubs together. I always learn a few new moves at the end of the day.
I do know a female who doesn't like her SO watching porn or going to strip clubs, and he does it behind her back. Just something to think about. It comes down to whatever floats your boat.
Doesn't bother me either. I think the only time it's a problem is if one or both partners has to sneak around. If I had a problem with porn, I like to think he'd respect that and stay away from it, but since we can be honest, more power to him.
as an "older" poster (mid forties) my perspective is probably a bit different than a lot of you girls on here...... it used to make me crazy (i remember throwing my boyfriend's porn mags in the fire when i was a kid - before the internet of course!) as i got older i realized something: masturbation and sex are actually two totally different things to men. masturbation is more along the lines of eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom. sex is on a different level. especially if he's with someone he loves (which he hopefully IS of course if we're all on this board). once i realized the difference it stopped bothering me. porn is to masturbation like salt is to food. lol.
I also have no problem with it. I've watched it myself, so why would I be a hypocrite? I'd rather have my FI look at porn online than take up with someone else- not that one is exclusive of the other, but I think that it is normal for the male species to want to look at naked women doing stuff.
I have no issue with my FI watching porn, as long as his physical encounters are limited to me.
Oh, and I don't care much about strip clubs, either...which I guess is contact in a sense. But I've known dancers personally, and I am VERY unafraid of my FI hooking up with one. Most dancers are there because they really need the cash, and they aren't there to hook up with my guy. There are bouncers everywhere, and they can't touch the girls. IF it gives him a little thrill, again, I'm not worried.
I was even going to go with him one night, just so I could see what it's about.
I agree too. I dont care what my FI watches. I know he loves me so much and would never leave me. Sometimes I just laugh and ask him what/who he is watching but he also sheepishly tries to avoid the subject. He has never been to a strip club and I told him he should go for his bachelor party
i also have no problem with my FI watching porn. i don't ask what he watches and he deletes it in my history. i know he doesn't do it all the time and sometimes i'm just not in the mood so go for it! lol strip clubs don't bother me either. everyone keeps asking if i'm gonna 'let' him have a stripper and/or go to the strip club for his bachelor party...i don't care if he does or doesn't. i know he's not gonna go home with any of them
This thread has really helped me today. On an intellectual level I know that it's harmless and I should be ok with it but some days I just feel very insecure and it's in the back of my head that he's home doing it when he could just wait and have sex with me. I am tempted to look at his computer history (he doesn't hide it but also expects that i respect his privacy and don't look at his computer history) and some days it's a REAL struggle to not look. I know if I look it makes my feelings even worse because then I'm thinking about what happened those days and why wasn't he just having sex with me. We have great sex 4-5 times a week. I know looking at porn doesn't mean that he's unhappy with me and it's different but sometimes it's really hard to internalize it and really believe it. The craziest part about it is I definitely look at porn fairly frequently when I have a chance and am in the mood so I also know it's completely hypocritical to want him not to. I also know first hand that my looking at porn doesn't change how I feel about him or how much I want sex from him and it's just a quick fix when that's my only option. We have a great relationship and I wish this one dumb thing wasn't such a struggle for me.
@clane616: Don't beat yourself up or try to disconnect from your feelings. If the status quo about pornography is no longer working for your relationship then have an honest open discussion with your guy about whether it is something you (both) want to keep doing. Maybe the conversation will allay your (fairly new?) concerns, or maybe you will be able to decide together to make a change. What you've expressed suggests porn definitely could start to eat into your intimacy levels and damage your relationship. Address it before it gets to that point, you'll be glad you did.
so glad that yall feel that way! but there are SOOOO many girls (including myself) that have been neglected in the past or present because of someone that watches porn. its not fun to feel insecure, ugly, and unwanted. both sides of the fence have valid reason for feeling the way they do.
HA!! LOL...I could see that...I watch more porn than my fiance' so he could prob chime in on this subject!
My main problem with it is that I, having a daughter, only think about how those are someones children on there exposing themselves like that.... I just know that I would be very very sad if my children ever did such a thing. I would be heartbroken and I would never want anyone other than their spouse to see them like that. Yes I know they are adults and they can make their own choices, it still makes me sad.
In our relationship it is viewed as cheating.
I'm glad that other people have relationships where this is a non-issue and even a shared activity, but it isn't something we're ok with.
my opinion is that if porn is cheating, teenagers who kill a character in a violent video game are murderers.
I'm with the OP. This idea of your mate only having sexual feelings or attraction for you and only you for the rest of their lives is naive. I'm not the boss of my FH sexuality. As long as porn isn't taking up a significant part of your relationship (and that is up to the couple to set those boundaries) We watch it occasionally together and separately. I won't say I don't have conflicting feelings in the sense that yes it objectifies ppl and that the porn industry is seedy world. I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone to join the business, but porn is a response to a real need. For crying out loud there are graphic depictions of sexuality in the freaking pyramids. So hello... when has mankind not used "porn" as tool.
yeah ive been to strip clubs with my man, I have no problem with porm or strip clubs or anything.....
we both make comments on pretty girls on the street and if my man saw a guy with a magnificent physique hed point him out to me too!
I know its entirely natural for men to look at hot women, and they will--TO LOOK AT THEM, THeir BODY THEIR FLAT STOMACH THEIR HEAVING BUST THEIR ASS THEIR LIPS THEIR THIGHS, moving and wobbling and engaging the men as they walk..........
Im pretty secure that when my man will look he'll take it all in...and then look back at me :)
However, if he was not there, would you not look also??
Mr. Rabbit and I did talk about this a bit, and we were pleasantly surprised to find that we were both ok with the other having crushes that weren't acted upon. I mean, his main crush is Halle Berry and I cannot blame him one bit. And he knows he will never look like hugh Jackman or Natalie Portman. What makes it work is knowing what boundaries are.
i'm not bothered by it at all but i used to be. i've really grown to understand men and was fortunate to have a close male friend who broke it down for me. ALL men have thier little fantasy world and it doesn't mean they are any less sexually attracted to you or want you to get tag teamed in real life by him and his budy lol
watching porn in moderation is ok to me even though i think the general idea of it is unacceptable and not good for women in general. but you can't fight city hall as they say. i dont engage in watching it with him, i'm not THAT ok with it..but i know he watches from time to time and i don't care. i point out hot women and big boobs/nice butts all the time with him.
i actually watch it myself sometimes and get arroused.
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The subject of pornography seems to come up a lot on these boards. It's making me wonder if my view on the subject is really far out there b/c it seems like no one shares it.
I understand and respect the views of people who do not like pornography because of its depiction of women, and its impact on society in general (including any negative impact on the sex lives of the individuals affected by it).
But it seems like this is not really the problem for most people who object to their SOs watching porn. It seems like lot of people have a problem with their SO watching porn b/c it means they could be physically attracted to other women, or feel sexually aroused by another woman/sexual scenario.
While I know it isn't pleasant to think about, I view attraction to other people as sort of just being human, and it doesn't bother me. Is that crazy? I'm attracted to other people, and I'm sure my SO is attracted to other people, too. We'll even sometimes make a passing comment if we find someone good looking. Neither of us is offended by this. I'm sure both of us have even had innocent fantasies involving other people at some point, but we certainly don't act on them.
In a nutshell, I guess I just don't think it is realistic to expect ourselves and/or our SO to never, ever, have feelings of sexual attraction toward another human being for the rest of our lives. I don't think that feeling is something that can be controlled, and honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Thoughts?