Weddingbee boards

Hi ladies. Sorry about adding another post to the mix about going crazy waiting and waiting for a proposal, I know so many of us are in the same boat and thus there are so many posts out there like this. But I just wanted to vent!

My boyfriend and I will be together 2 years this coming August. We moved in together after 3 months of dating and we also work together, so we see each other a LOT. I thought a proposal would be coming when we travel to Mexico in August to celebrate our anniversary, but now it seems that that will not be the case. 

I started talking marriage probably around a year ago, and last year I was hoping he would propose in October when we went to the Caribbean. That was too soon for him though and he wanted me to fix my anger issues and tendency to blow up at him. I started going to a counselor in January of this year and have been going ever since. We even went to a few couples sessions. It helped tremendously and he said that he has seen the change in me. Well, around March/April I brought up engagement again and asked him that since I had changed what he wanted and it had improved our relationship in turn if we would be taking the next step forward. He told me that he supposed he had to take my feelings into account, knows how impatient I am, and he has a tendency to procrastinate. I felt that at least the idea was in his head again and we would be moving forward sooner rather than later.

Every few weeks after that I would joke about him saving for a ring, like when he would go to pay our check at dinner I would grab it instead and say "I'll get this one, you need to save your money for other shiny things." Stuff like that. His reaction towards it made me think that he actually was saving for a ring. We even had an argument one day because I got upset that he cancelled his overtime shift and I told him I was upset because I had thought he told me that he needed those overtime shifts to save for a ring. He admitted he was saving, but he just was too exhausted to work the extra shift that week.

Time passed and small jokes still passed between us. About two weeks ago I complained to my counselor that I was getting more and more frustrated that he hadn't proposed yet. She told me basically that if it was bothering me that much I should talk to him. A week after that I went back and forth in my mind about whether or not I should discuss it. He could see I was bothered and actually told me to tell him (he said he could guess that was what it was about). We got into this huge conversation about how much I wanted to get engaged and then he tells me that he is saving for a ring, but he is NOT ready to commit. He wants things to be better between "us" and he basically wants to feel more loved (by me showing him more affection on a regular basis) and he wants me to feel more loved. He sounds like he's looking more for a 2012 timeframe for marriage. I agreed with him to give up on my desired timeline (engagement by September and wedding around August 2011) and to stop bringing things up. It's almost impossible for me to do this because I'm so frustrated, but I'm trying.

I've been doing tons in the last week since our conversation to make him feel more loved, and he's noticed the difference. But he's done hardly anything to change like he said he wanted to do before taking the step towards proposal. We got into another huge argument last night over it and I basically got so frustrated that I told him bluntly that he needs to take the steps he thinks he needs to take in order to get to the place that he needs to be to propose. I just feel like he knows what he wants to change, so why can't he hurry up and get on it so that he can propose? I don't like having any control over this situation and I've done all I can to do what he needed from me.

I am incredibly impatient and I hate feeling like I have no control over things. I've been trying to take advice from other posts and not bring up marriage/engagement as well as find things to do for myself/on my own. I've been reading more, trying to find a new hobby, and I've started going to the gym on a regular basis. But it's not helping me. I am going crazy. It doesn't help that I still read into things and think that there might be a possibility that he still might propose when we go to Mexico in August. One of my friends said her boyfriend (now husband) said something similar to throw her off and then he proposed anyway, and another friend at work told me that a couple weeks ago my boyfriend said that he only needed to work a few more overtime shifts before he'd have enough money to buy what he was saving for (she said he implied it was a ring). I feel so back and forth, and up and down, that I'm seriously stressed out. It doesn't help that I have one of the most stressful jobs in the country. WHYYYYY can't he just propose already? 

Sorry for the long post and the venting. It feels good to get it off my chest, lol. Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry you feel this way and I would like to give my perspective without offending :(

If my boyfriend EVER said to me what yours did, I wouldn't want a ring, I would want a new boyfriend. I'm so sorry, but it's true what a PP said. You may end up with a "shut up" ring. And you don't want that. You want the man to be so head over heels in love with you, that he can't WAIT to propose !

And a ring doesn't need to be so expensive that he works overtime shifts. Hell, my ring was less then $1000 and I'm in LOVE with it. But that's also because I am in love with the man who continues to this day to tell me that I take his breath away.

I also agree to set a timeline for yourself and not tell him what it is, because frankly, this is making you miserable :(

Thanks for all your replies. I did tell him that I felt like he was making me jump through hoop after hoop and it felt awful. Apparently he didn't realize this at all. When he told me that he was not ready to commit, he admitted that he was slightly afraid of commitment and he also said that he needed to change things on his part now. He told me that I didn't have to do anything else, and he wants to start going to a counselor on his own and change and work things out on his side. So it sounded like he wasn't continuing to "dangle the carrot". 

However, it is a constant thing with us lately that he wants us both to feel more loved, and he made it sound like he does not want to move forward until that is the case. I can understand this, as we have been trying to work on this for quite a few months (with not much result). My counselor recommended a book to us only last week and I have to say it is a great book. It's called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My boyfriend and I each want love expressed to us in a different "language" and we've been only speaking our own language so far so it hasn't been working. I'm hopeful that if we reverse things and follow the book's advice, then it would solve this problem for us.

I can see why he wants us to fix this one problem first, and it's something we both have to work on. I guess if we are able to fix it and he still doesn't propose, then I have to bring engagement up again. In terms of dangling a carrot in front of me, I, in turn, don't want to dangle one in front of him by saying "I need you to propose by this date or we have to break up". That just sounds awful. But yes, this whole topic is driving me crazy and it is a big deal. I feel stuck.

I think what it comes down to is his fear of commitment. Which I don't get. He is 39 years old and you would think he wants to settle down by now. (I'm only 25 by the way.) He always told me though that he had it set in his mind that he would date someone for 3-4 years before even considering proposal (but now that he's older he might have to change that thinking). 3-4 years is just too long to me considering how impatient I am.

I think I will wait until around October of this year and then bring things up again. Or maybe I'll wait until the very end of this year, since during our conversation he said, "what would be wrong with proposing in November or December?" (when I said that I wanted a proposal by September/October). I'm still hoping desperately that he comes around on his own though. 

@purplebee: He's 39?? I'm so sorry, but it sounds like he will never want to commit. The good news is, if you feel that this relationship is not what makes your heart flutter, you are young enough to start over. I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 36 years old.

I know there are going to be issues even after engagement and during marriage, but I think that's part of his problem. The way he was talking, I think he expects and wants everything to be close to perfect before he will propose! That is not practical at all.

But...why are you so insistent on getting engaged if you guys don't get along all that well?

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't get it.. it just seems a little strange for you both to be seeing counselors so early in a relationship. Maybe that's just me.

I wouldn't worry too much about his age - my FI (never married) was 38 when we met, 41 when we got engaged.  I heard a lot of "Oh, if he hasn't settled down by now, he never will."  Although I'm sure there are some committement issues there, age has nothing to do with it.

What has everything to do with it is finding the right person and the right timing.  All I can say is, when and if he wants to marry you, he will ask you.  You can't control that.  But you can control how long you are willing to wait and what you do in the meantime - it sounds like you  are already doing that.  If you really think this is the guy for you, stick to your guns.  But don't put your hopes on this guy just because.  Make sure he's the right one.