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It's you and your FI choice. Does he have a preference either way?
I don't know the details of the falling out or anything so a lot of it is dependent on how you feel and how you think it would go over.
But if you think it could go smoothly you might want to put her in. They will always be his family and the less you get along the harder it will be. Not that it's your fault in anyway. If they're willing to extend an olive branch now, maybe take it as a wedding present and extend one yourself. Even if she's not doing it for the right reasons (unless she has a super dominate personality in which she'll try to run all the events of your pre-wedding and wedding days) it seems it could work more positively than negatively to put her in and vice versa if you don't.
But then again a lot of it depends on how comfortable you are with her and how involved she'll make herself if you do ask her. If it were just a friend I wouldn't suggest putting her in but as she's family, she'll always be his sister.
I think in a case like this, you're the only one who can decide. It's easy for us on WB to say, "oh, extend the olive branch right back, include her!" but we don't know what's gone down between the two of you. Plus, there are plenty of other ways to include her. So I think this one's just going to require introspection, sorry to say!
i'm always on the side of trying to make things easier with family, so i would put her in, unless you think she'll make you absolutely miserable during prewedding events, getting ready, etc. but if you think it'll be ok with her there, no time's better than now to try to mend things with the in laws.
Just because she is extending an olive branch doesn't mean you're best friends. I'd say don't include her in the bridal party if you're uncertain about it. You can definitely involve her in other ways. Give her a corsage to wear and have her man the guestbook.
Tough call, either way.
If she seems sincere, maybe it's best to include her - but only if she's not prone to massive tantrums...
How old is she? Mayeb she can be a junior bridesmaid? Or, as someone else suggested, an attendant in charge of the guestbook? Maybe she could do a reading?
Nah, i wouldn't ask her. I didn't ask my FSIL--but DH ended up asking her to stand on HIS side after mucho prompting from me. We've gotten closer since the wedding (not buddies or anything but we email fun stuff back and forth) but i wanted my 6 closest friends with me.
So sorry. This is a tough one. Question - What did you mean by you were invested in "raising her?" How old is she? IF she is yound and was so, when she burnt those bridges, you might want to just let all that stuff wash away. Who knows if she was really the master of her own thoughts and actions?
Other than that, I don't know. It's probably not easy to offer peace. If you turn down the Bm job, perhaps they'll say, "Well we tried. There's no winning with her." Do you think she's sincere when she says she's not bothered if she isn't in the wedding? Or do you think the olive branch is just a way to get a Bm gig? Fi your heart doesn't trust them, maybe don't ask. But if you think they are being sincere, if you feel like the sister will behave herself, even if not the perfect Bm, maybe give her a shot.
I don't THINK she would be controlling... at worst I can imagine her making snarky comments and faces, however. But... she is an idealist and she may be in a good mood because it'll be like a family reunion for her - cousins and aunts and uncles to interact with. She has been prone to selfishness and snobbyness, but she may have grown out of that now that she's older. (She's 22.)
You're right about it being a good time to put things on the mend... it's just tough when you're not the wrong one here, but you have to suck it up anyhow and take the high road.
I wouldn't ask her either. I don't want anyone standing up with me who I am not close with. And it doesn't sound like you're close. Good luck with your decision.
I think part of it depends on how big your bridal party is. If you've got 6 or 7 girls, go ahead and ask her. If you're keeping your party small, I don't think it will seem as awkward.
Could you have a posy/small bouquet made for her and your FMIL so it's obvious that they're getting special/same as your immediate family treatment during the wedding? I think some recognition is always really nice. I also second the "reading" idea since that is about you as a couple and doesn't put the emphasis on you having to get along with her.
Tanya - She burnt the bridges in writing, and I have never acknowledged what she did. I've let the silence hang between us because I hold out hope that she was simply a very foolish teenager at the time who got a taste of the real world and thought she was master and commander of her family's dynamics. I felt invested in her because FI and I have been dating for 10 years, so I saw her go from a child to a woman. She was 18 when she wrote to me.
So, when we got engaged, I started reaching out to her not because she acknowledged what she did and offered peace but because I was giving her that benefit of the doubt. Due to her innate personality, it was hard to trust the sincerity of her "Congrats" comments, BUT, it was her brother who asked her whether she would care about being a BM and she told him what I assume to be the truth. I wasn't there, and she usually levels with him.
The olive branch has come more sincerely and earnestly from her mother than from her, but that makes sense in our context. Nonetheless, it's there a little bit from FSIL, and so I am trying to do what jives with my personal morals and values.
I'm trying to be classy is what I'm trying to say ;)
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Sorry to add another to the pile, but I guess everyone's an expert at answering these now :)
Ok:
FSIL and I have a rocky relationship, from my point of view. Because FMIL and I have a lot of fundamental differences, we'll say, and in the past few years we've butted heads several times, FSIL burnt bridges with me and cut me out of her life several years ago - sympathizing with her mother. It was painful, because I felt like I was invested in raising her.
Now that we are engaged, the sands are shifting underneath me, and I am finding myself in difficult positions with these women. One is that they are both sort of extending olive branches or calling truces as it were, and so I feel like I have to be a "good sport" about it and not at least try to find common ground/peace.
My FI has my brother in his bridal party because they are good friends and we have always all gotten along.
My FI asked his sister directly, and she answered that she "doesn't mind" either way. She said her feelings would not be hurt if she were not asked. I asked my FI what he thinks and he doesn't care either way.
I want to do the right thing, but we are no longer close. It's tough to trust that she's trying to be peaceful for the right reasons, you know? But.... I'm trying.
What to do? Does she become one of my bridesmaids?
Edit: My FI and I are in a LDR, and the girl is off to college so I have zero contact with her. So, I've been kinda waiting to see if she initiates contact, have sent cards and things, but nothing significant.
My FI really says that the decision is completely mine.