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How much "later on" is the reception? Could you not send out invites for it until after the wedding and then make the reception invites like wedding annoucements and ask them to come celebrate with you at the reception?
To be brutally honest- people will be offended.
But, this is your and your FI's decision. If you're going to do this, then stick to your guns. It's your choice. No matter what, people always get offended.
Is the reception the same day?
I wouldn't even mention the ceremony, I would say something like "Join us in celebrating the union (or w/e you want to say) of X and X at (insert date and time)"
If anyone asks about the ceremony, say exactly what you posted here- that is for parents and siblings only. And if I were you, to avoid offending anyone on either side of the family, don't make excpetions- just keep it parents and siblings.
I wouldn't mention the ceremony at all. I would just word the invitations with something like: "Join us is celebration of the marriage of Bride and Groom" and then just put the reception details. And just have your families spread the word that you will actually be getting married in an intimate ceremony sometime before the reception.
Why don't you want everyone to attend the wedding ceremony?
I wonder the same thing, is "much later on" later on in the evening or later on in the month/year? If its later in the month/year, I would send out marriage announcements and an invitation to the reception.
Would they be more offended by a secular ceremony or by not being invited to witness vows being exchanged at all?
Sorry for being vague! When I said later on, I meant the reception would take place later that week.
PinkPinstripes-good advice, no exceptions. it will just be the direct fam, for sure!
Jacqi-the answer to your question is a long one! my fiance and i have always wanted a really small wedding, but unfortunately our families are HUGE. he comes from a family that is extremely russian orthodox catholic-i am an atheist. my mother has been married three times, my father was adopted, so he has his biological family (native americans) and adoptive family (jewish), has been divorced twice and is dating a woman from the dominican republic. i am one of nine, as is my mom, and my dad has so many siblings that i can't even count, nor have i met them all. needless to say my family is a mess and i just want to escape the politics of it all and be with the people who i am close to! no matter what type of ceremony i had, SOMEONE would have been offended by it
@PinkPinstripes: I have to disagree with you there. My FI and I were recently invited to an intimate ceremony with a bigger reception that evening. FI and I were included in the ceremony but many of our friends were reception only. These people were actually glad to just have reception invites - actually prefered that option. They still got to celebrate with the bride and groom on their big day.
I would rather go to the reception then both. I am not religious and I find ceremonys boring. I even want ours over with ASAP
This is my invite wording
Mishellee Z********
and
Nick ******* Will be married at a private beach ceremony
on the 5th of November
2010 Nassau, Bahamas
Please join them
for a celebration filled with drinks, dinner & dancing on 27th of November
2010
6pm
Wyndham Portland Airport
Portland, Maine
oK, I got to co-shoot one back in 2007 and it was amazing! They had a small and intimate wedding with family only. Afterwards they did a family only brunch. That evening around 7pm they hosted a huge, 200+ person black tie affair.
Never ONCE did I hear anything negative. Everyone was so excited to be there, there was nothing but well wishes, there was happiness, excitement, and joy all around. In between the ceremony and 2nd reception we did a quick edit and had a slideshow playing of the ceremony. Guests loved it!
I'm going to PM you the link to the old old post, so you can maybe start to visualize it a little more :-) If you have any logistical questions, feel free to ask.
Now my turn to be brutally honest:
1) This is not about what other people want.
I've always felt that other people place way too much importance on what /they/ think is appropriate for someone else's wedding. It's not about them, it's about what you and your fiance want. It's not their decision. You're an adult and you aren't going to make your wedding--or your life, for that matter--into what they want it to be. This is your chance to set boundaries and parameters for your relationship with his family. If you don't start setting them now, it will just be more difficult later on, for example, when you have children.
2) You are doing /nothing wrong/ with what you have planned.
That said, however, I think you are giving his family too much control over your special day--you are so afraid of them--and also you aren't giving them a fair chance. I would be a little upset if I were them at not being invited at all to the ceremony. I understand you don't want them to come because it's secular, but I think they should at least be given the option. If they choose to be offended that it's secular, then they don't have to go. If being offended by that is more important than seeing their son get married, well, at least you tried.
3) Yeah, they'll probably be offended. But, on the other hand, who cares?
My husband and I had a ceremony in Vegas with only my parents, his parents, and my sister. We had a glorious reception back home three months later and it was wonderful! Everyone had such a nice time and there was nothing to be offended about.
4) They will deal and get over it.
My parents who are strict Catholics. They asked early on if it would be Catholic. I said no because my husband and I are not religious, and having a religious wedding is not appropriate for either of us. They never said anything again, and they had a great time at the wedding, anyway, my mom even gave us a beautiful toast at dinner that really surprised me. In the end, their own desires for what my wedding should be did not matter because they were just happy for us. I'm sure the same will happen with his family once they see that they will not control what you are doing.
5) Wording the invitations is easy.
Whether or not your ceremony is right before or after your reception, it is very easy to word the invitation. On our invitation, we just requested the pleasure of their company at our wedding reception. I can give you the exact text, if you want, in a private message.
wow silver and KLP2010, i really can't thank you enough! i honestly feel a lot better. these feelings of fear that i have of offending my fiancee's family is stemming from experiences we have had over the past six years we've been together. for example, being told that we can't stay at his parent's house for a night while we were moving between apartments, because they don't condone the fact that we are living together before marriage, or being told that they won't pay for my fiancee's college education if we stay together. it's a constant struggle for me figure out how to put my foot down...respectfully. thanks again though girls, you are the best
@Mrs.KMM: I can see how people would like that.
I just meant that the OP was already anticipating opposition from family members and my response was meant to say that no matter what you do, there always seems to be somebody offended.
@PinkPinstripes: Ah - got it! Yeah - it definitely seems like with so many things you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Can never please everyone!
actually i dont think anyone will be offended at this - ive been to many of weddings that had a small private ceremony before hand (even the same day!) and threw a large wedding. mostly it was a compromise with the couple because one wanted a small wedding and one wanted a large, so they had teh ceremony with only immediate family then the reception with everyone.
doing it the way you are doing it, private ceremony and public large reception is acceptable. however doing a public ceremony and private reception is rude. (basically you can watch us be married but you arent important enough to feed)
so i wouldnt worry about it.
just word it like one of the bees said before "come celebrate our union at blah blah" or something along those lines.
they need not know anythign about your ceremony really.
and also some religions actually insist on small ceremonies with just immediate family so i wouldnt be concerned with that either.
@loladidntdoit: You're welcome. Lemme know if you want to see the text from my invitation for ideas. It's hard to find balance when trying to set boundaries, but, with practice and consistent messages, you'll get there. Plus, it is also key that your fiance supports you when you put your foot down--a united front will work better than you standing on your own.
It is also key that they learn that trying to control you both by denying you things is immature, disrespectful, and just plain low. By showing them you won't grovel at their feet to try to please them when they pull that kind of stuff, you take away all their power.
I also found, I always see two re-occuring statements: "have the wedding you can afford" and "don't offend anyone". Quite often, these two hit a gray area. As much as we would have loved to invite everyone, we both have very large families, and invited our full families plus close friends and close co-workers (the people we see every day) to our ceremony and dinner. Frankly, our budget did not allow to accomodate 250+ people for dinner.
People were not offended for being invited to the reception-only. In our case, many people (especially those within our age bracket 25-30) preferred this, because they got to partake in the celebration, enjoy the late night buffet and bar, and didn't have to "sit around" during speeches, photography lag, etc. It also "let them off the hook" for buying us a gift.
correct me if i am wrong but most people prefer to go to the reception only and weddings i been to some people made that decision themself.
If you don't want someone attending the ceremony, don't invite them to the reception. There is no way to word a reception-only invite that isn't rude. It might be popular nowadays to do so, but it is still rude even if many choose to ignore that fact. Of course no one will say they are offended by it when it does happen because most people are raised (correctly) to not say anything to the couple.
Be brutal - its about what you want not what the others want. If they are true friends they will be grateful you have invited them to the reception. x
I don't think it's weird or rude at all. People do it all the time with destination weddings, I know I will! Our ceremony will include 20 people, just our immediate families and two friends. Our reception a few months later will include family/friends and will be closer to 80 people. You simply send an invitation in which you invite them to join in the celebration of your marriage at time/location for a cocktail hour and dinner.
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My fiance and I are going to have a secular, outdoor ceremony with only our parents and siblings attending, and then we are going to have a huge reception later on, to which all of the extended family members and friends are invited. Here is my question:
How do I tell extended family members that they aren't invited to the ceremony?
Some are extremely religious, and will NOT be thrilled to learn that the ceremony is not a religious one.
How do you word reception-only invitations?
And if it matters, my fiance and I plan to pay for everything ourselves.
What is the most delicate way to handle this? Please help, I am having huge anxiety about this, mainly because it is my fiancee's family who won't be pleased, and I'm scared that they will be offended.