Post # 1
Hi bees! This is part vent/part I need some advice. I have an older sister and while we’ve never been close, I thought we were at least working towards it. I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and she turned it down. She said I had so many friends and that I should just have them. Plus she’s just too old and has issues with marriage (she’s 44 and had a bad marriage/divorce). Okay fine – I get it.
Well that was back in January and I haven’t heard from her since. She missed my shower because she had to work (she’s a bartender and there was a big festival in her town). That hurt – but I get it. I have another shower for my friends and family in my fiance’s hometown so she’s coming to that. At least she says so – but I guess we’ll see. I’m not even 100% sure she’ll come to my wedding.
Her nasty marriage and divorce was 5 or so years ago. She also says she embarrassed about her job and that she feels “small” next to our friends and my fiance’s family. No one is super uppity or rich. They are ordinary small town folks.
I’m having issues just accepting that she’ll never “suck it up” and be a part of my day. She’s my only sister – heck her and my mom are my only family (my dad passed away some years ago).
Has this ever happened to anyone? How do you get past it?
Post # 3
I am sorry to hear that. Personally I would sit her down and explain…I know we haven’t always gotten along and such…blah blah blah and tell her it hurts you that she is not there. After all you only have HER and your MOM left! She should understand and maybe she just didn’t think it “hurt” you and could have thought oh…she probably doesn’t want me there. I would also tell her it seems as if since she has had a bad marriage that she is not wanting to celebrate yours which isn’t fair…afterall your wedding and such is the time for you guys to put AWAY your differences and come together as a family!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
I think I can see where she’s coming from – emotionally, recovering from something like that can take time, and you can feel like people are looking down on you even when they’re not.
I also wouldn’t take it personally she said no to being a Bridesmaid – 44 is quite an old age for bridesmaids traditionally, and maybe she would find it embarrassing to be the oldest one there with your friends.
Post # 5
I understand that this is important to you, and that the hurtful thing here is that you don’t feel like your sister is willing to be there for you and support you. I understand that you want to share the joy of your upcoming wedding with your family.
But, it sounds to me, like your wedding just doesn’t really matter to your sister. I don’t mean like she doesn’t care about you or want you to be happy. Just that weddings are not a big deal to her. And that’s okay, that’s just how she is, for whatever reasons. (Bad experience, just her personality, whatever.) It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and doesn’t want the best for you.
I think the important thing to do here is to separate your relationship with your sister from her involvement in your wedding. I would make it a point to spend time together that has nothing to do with your wedding… not engagement parties or bachelorettes or dress shopping. Use her as your “I can’t deal with any more wedding stuff right now and I just need to have dinner with someone and hang out and be normal and not mention the damn wedding at all,” person.
I would make sure she has an invitation, and I would say to her, personally, “I understand if you have reasons for not wanting to come, but I love you and it would mean a lot to me if you were there.” And then just leave it alone.