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Unfortuanetly this situation deserves a phone call, an awkward one, but a phone call none-the-less ... but I would wait until you get the actual RSVP with his added on +1 ... but when you do just respond with exactly what you said on your post - "I'm really sorry but Fiance and I decided that we just could invite everyone so we limited the guest list to significant others that we have met before. We haven't met "Sally" before - though we look forward to meeting her! - so unfortunately we have to let you know that she cannot attend the wedding" ............ I dunno it's a crappy situation for everyone because I know I have been on the receiving end before I was "living with or engaged" and I know I will be dealing with it at my own wedding next year ... it' just something you have to go through.
I'd definitely clear things up as soon as possible, so he can make other travel plans. Maybe something along the lines of, "Space/money is tight, so sorry, but we could only invite family and close friends. Had to cut some of our own friends off the list!". Don't mention why she wasn't invited, since that might leave room for debate as to why she didn't 'qualify'.
I think that if they have been together for a year, that's a serious relationship (I'm assuming) and she should be invited.
My friend did the same thing... except she asked instead of assuming. I told her that my invites just went out so we're waiting on no's and I will get back to her if she can bring a plus one.
To be honest, I would be offended if a good friend told me I couldn't bring my plus one. How close are you with this friend if you have never met his girlfriend of a year? If you aren't that close, don't be surprised he wouldn't show up at all.
there's no nice way of saying it unfortunately....
we're going by the engaged or married rule cuz we can't afford to shell out $150 pp for dates. it's not only the money in my case tho. i really want all my friends and family there to celebrate with me, not total strangers that i've never met before.
just because they're been dating for a year doesn't mean it's a serious relationship. they can break up any day. in my book, a ring solidifies a serious relationship.
in the end, your friend is coming to celebrate YOUR wedding, not to have a night out with his date.
just my $0.02
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Judging the seriousness of other people's relationships is risky. For instance, DH and I considered ourselves quite serious before the proposal. However, there were some situations in his family (his father was seriously ill) that really affected the timing of our "official" engagement. And no, we didn't live together. Believe it or not, there still are people who just don't believe that is appropriate, for one reason or another (in our case, because of his kids).
I think that MsSparkle has the best point of all. If they've been dating for a year or more and you've never met the SO, I think that would indicate that you're probably not all that close. If the actual reason you've never met the SO is because they aren't local and you haven't seen him for a year either, then it's hardly fair to penalize them for the lack of opportunity to meet her. Maybe, in fact, he really wants you to meet her and just hasn't had the chance to make it happen.
And - speaking as someone who had really strong feelings about the guest list until about a month before our wedding... *It*just*doesn't*matter. Really. If all of your single friends want to bring random dates, that's an issue. If you have one or two single friends who happen to think that their relationships are sufficient serious that they really want their SOs to be there, it's not worth potentially alienating a good friend over. It may be hard to believe, but when it's all said and done $150 - or $300 or $450 - one way or another is not going to break you. The fact that you're spending $150 a head in the first place tells me that you're not on a tiny budget. If you feel like you have to make that back somewhere, then maybe you can serve less expensive wine or something.
Wow i guess this is hard to decide. I never really thought about it until I got engaged myself. So I would say if they are in a serious relationship than yeah she can come. But than again who is here to say that they are in one? For my wedding I know my fiance has a lot of single friends but there are no +1s. We have a budget and if one guest wants to bring a date it wouldn't be fair for the rest. We would have to let every single guest bring a date too. Plus I couldn't invite all of my distant relatives cause i want a small/intimate wedding (100 people).
Ultimately its your decision and every couple and their wedding is different. its your wedding!!
okay....the way you started the post sounded like he was just bringing a date. I agree with Suzanno. I really think it is unfair for couples to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship. Maybe they don't want to live togehter yet. I don't think that makes them casually dating....a year is a long time. And if this is a good close friend, I presume the fact that you haven't met her yet is because they live far away, and if so, doesn't this give you a great opportunity to meet her? Honestly, this is where wedding planning bugs me. Everyone says they invite family and friends who are important to them to share their special day. But then they make these exclusive guest lists, cutting people out. You said you aren't inviting some people you want to invite because of budget/space constraints. Honestly, I feel like if this was a good friend who you cared about, you would support his relationship and not be annoyed he wants to bring his serious girlfriend. I am saying, if you cut others out to invite him because he is so important, shouldn't the person he thinks is important also be important to you? I KNOW a lot of people disagree with me here. I am merely stating my opinion. I just looked at it as, okay, this is the family and friends who are important to me who I would like to be there, and they are free to bring SO's (yes, no random date) regardless of how long they've been together and whether I've met them. We went through the trouble of asking if people were seeing someone, and got their names if they were. And we worked around that. If we couldn't afford the strawberries in our champagne, we wouldn't get it. Because it was our guests' presence that was important. Not the silly little details. Sorry; I really just don't like when people are judging others relationships. We've all been at the stage before, before living together, and becoming an acceptable "serious couple".
First and foremost, you are not in the wrong for feeling this way. Regardless of whether you have met your friend's gf or not, it's wrong for him to assume that he can just invite someone to your wedding. You are paying for someone you have never met before. That is not right. Wait until you receive his rsvp card and then make a call like the first response suggested. In a tactful yet assertive manner, make it clear that you invited a certain amount of people and that you would like to abide to that amount.
well said dreambbml and suzanno!
I think people forget that weddings are not just about what you want or who you ideally want to see there, but they are about being gracious hosts. And I think part of being a gracious host is inviting "serious" partners of your friends. I never remember the decorations or food at weddings, but I do remember who I got to spend time with. I'd cut down on some of your other expenses and make sure everyone that is in a relationship gets to bring their other half. If you haven't met her yet, it's a great time to do it!
JUST SAY NO to the random plus 1s!! It can get soo out of control trust me. Stand firm this is YOUR day -- just be honest and the people that will understand are the ones you want there anyway. Good Luck
Thank you everyone for your advice. I agree with some of you and others not as much but still appreciate you taking the time to express your opinion.
My friend is my roommate from college as I said earlier. And I also basically said that I didn't like to exclude people from being invited to our wedding simply because they weren't living together, engaged, or married. We extended the +1 to significant others that we have met. My old roommate lives basically in the same city as I do. I don't think it's either of our faults that we don't really hang out anymore. We have full time jobs, don't have cars because we live in the city, so it is definitely difficult to make time to see old friends. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. We've had lunch a few times during the work week over the past year but other than that, our friendship is pretty much through sporadic e-mailing. I've tried making plans with him for the weekend a couple of times over the past year but it hasn't worked out.
I'm not saying that their relationship isn't serious...honestly I really don't know because he hasn't told me anything about her. That's not to say that I haven't asked in the past though. We're definitely not as close as we used to be when we lived together but again, I think that's normal. I guess my biggest frustration just stems from him automatically assuming that he could bring a +1. Maybe he just hasn't been to too many weddings and he doesn't know the etiquette but I would definitely never have assumed that my boyfriend was invited to a wedding when he had never met the people.
In addition, it's not like he isn't going to know a bunch of the people that are going to be at the wedding. We all went to college together. He has plenty of options for carpooling and it won't be uncomfortable for him...practically like a college reunion!
Part of me wants to just suck it up and let him bring her but after discussing it with my fiance, he is insisting that we do not let him bring her. I want him and all of my other guests to have a great time but really we have to draw the line somewhere I think. I hate this stuff!
This topic comes up time and again and can be so understandably frustrating! I think you may be right about your roommate not knowing the etiquette. Maybe he just assumes that bringing a guest is how it works when it comes to weddings?
I agree with others. If you and your fiance have discussed it and feel that the date should not be invited, then unfortunately you have to be the one to make the uncomfortable phone call.
Question: you said all the college buddies are going together. Are any of them going stag? Or are they all paired off in couples? If they are all couples that could be why he assumes his +1 is invited?
I must ask - did he actually say "+1" or said he's carpooling with "Sally"? And how would his statement fair with the rest of your friends who may not have gotten a +1?
This is so common nowadays, and we're at that age where everyone and their mom is getting married. Most of my friends just ask me point blank how I'm handling the +1 situation and I tell them point blank, i.e. "I probably will not give you a +1 but will give it to Bob".. and usually, they understand. OK - they always understand. Why? Because they are my friend and understand that its a hard decision to make but lines are drawn because weddings are just THAT expensive.
So far, no one has hated me for it and most are just honored to have been invited at all. If your friend cannot understand that when you tell him, then I don't think there's anything you can do about it except hope he understands.
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He literally said "me and my +1 will be coming". So it's definitely not just carpooling. None of the guys on the e-mail were given a +1 with the exception of one of them whose girlfriend I have met a couple of times and that I have e-mailed with some. Sort of funny but the one who actually did get the +1 was the only one out of all of them to contact me and ask me if he could bring his girlfriend. I was like of course... it says it on the envelope.
And an update...the college roommate has triggered a chain reaction and now the other guys are saying that they'll be bringing dates as well. One even said that he would be bringing "this chick" he's dating "if she's lucky" and "if we're still dating by the wedding". That is ridiculous! I have to draw the line somewhere. I finally sent an e-mail to all of them saying how terrible I felt about it (which I truly do) and telling them that due to budget and room capacity, we just can't give everyone a +1. Hopefully this doesn't change their decision to come. I'm worried.
Since the email string is going, I think you should put a stop to it right away. If you wait until they RSVP with +1, they are probably going to wonder why you didn't say something during your email exchanges. Since the one friend has his gf invited, I would put him in CC and just say that, "Besides "Billy", I have only reserved one seat for each of you at the reception. Sorry for the misunderstanding and I hope you understand."
I'm assuming that they just didn't realize they couldn't bring someone. Most guys (and probably some girls) don't look at the invitation to see who is and is not invited. I don't think most people understand that. To be honest, I didn't until I started going to friends weddings and planning my own!
GL!
This is tough. I was once a +1 that was left off an invite. It really hurt my feelings as my boyfriend and I were together for over a year and he had just moved in to my place. However, they were going by the engaged or married rule. I still get upset about that wedding as I don't think my boyfriend handled it well with the bride.
So now that we are engaged, everyone is getting a plus one if you are out of college and have a significant other. I'm building it into the budget as I know some of the people with a plus one invite will not bring one. I think it will even itself out.
It just sucks to be that guys girlfriend.
Wow! What a lot of contraversy. I think that this needs to be nipped in the bud among the e-mail chain group. Your e-mail was a good start. However, you should probably call the old roommate and talk to him directly. Flat out ask him how serious is he about this girl, without bring up the wedding. Is he planning on marrying her? Is an engagement expected soon? If it is he probably will tell you. If not you will get a lot of hems and haws since guys feel pressured about the idea of giving up thier singlehood. If he is confident about it and tells you a lot about her and what her best traits are, says how much you are going to like her, etc. Then he may just be serious enough about the girl that you can give him a plus one because this is the "one". He could be palnnign to get engaged even before your wedding or using it as an oppportunity to take that step. I suggest talking to him and them making a decision. Whatever your decision is it isn't wrong. And even if you do decide to let him bring this person you should make it clear to him that you are making an exception and that he should have asked instead of causing you undo stress and hurt feelings among the other friends.
This is my least favorite part of the wedding planning experience. Most of our friends are either paired off or are fine coming solo because they know others who will be there. Drawing up the list was hard and enforcing it is even harder.
Your email response was appropriate to quell the date question among the college gang. Follow up with the instigator and explain the situation. No need to get into rules or how serious the relationship is - just let him know that due to space/money constraints, you've got a limited list. Apologize for any misunderstanding and hope he understands.
i once got an invite without a plus one and i brought a plus one because i really didnt know any better. my mistake still haunts me to this day! i would wait until i get the rsvp card, and if he returns the card with her name written in, then have a nice talk with him to say that things are tight and depending on the number of declines you would love to allow him to bring his gf.
also, does he know a lot of people that will be attending the wedding? we're not allowing some close friends to bring guests because they're not in a relationship and they know everyone there so it wouldn't make a difference! however, i am allowing some coworkers who are single to bring a guest only because they dont know that many people and would probably be uncomfortable having to walk into a venue and be forced to mingle with people they dont know. but judging by the fact that you mentioned there were emails going around, it probably means this person and you have a lot of mutal friends. i think if you had a talk with him, he will understand?
I know I go against most people here, but if you are inviting a close friend, and they have a significant other, they should be invited. If you can't afford it then your reception is fancier than you can afford.
A good friends significant other should be important to you because this is a good friend. Plus there is obviously some travel involved which I believe makes it more critical to invite this SO.
But, thats just my thinking and not what most on this board seem to think. Everyone at my wedding over 18 that was single got a +1. Not all of them brought someone, and that's OK, but most of them brought serious significant others. Actually, I can't think of one person that used their +1 to bring just a "date".
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I know that this has been written about before but wanted to get some advice. My invitations went out last week and a lot of people that live close to me have already started receiving them in the mail. Some of my male friends from college have been on an e-mail chain together (which I'm on too) and they have been trying to figure out carpooling to our wedding. Well my old roommate from college wrote back that he wouldn't be driving up with everyone else because he would be going with his +1 that has a car. Problem is, he didn't get a +1! Not sure if he has gotten the invite yet but I think he may have.
Now I don't know what to do. Part of me is extremely annoyed because I hate it when people just assume that they automatically get a +1. I also don't want to have to pay a minimum of $150 for a person I've never once met. Also, my fiance and I would have invited other people that we want at the wedding more than this guy's girlfriend if we weren't trying to limit the number. I feel bad about it though because I don't want to upset him but this is just plain awkward. What should I do? If I do tell him that he didn't get a +1, how can I say it nicely?
A little background info. on their relationship - I think they've been together about 1 year. They don't live together. And my fiance and I have never met her. We know nothing about her. I hate using the "living together, engaged, or married" rule for +1s so my fiance and I said that if we have met the person's sig. other that we would invite them. Clearly she doesn't fit into any of those categories.