Post # 1
This is a two-parter, so bear with me please.
During a conversation over the weekend, an acquaintance (age 36) gave me these two little gems to mull over (same conversation, different times)
“Well, it’s just that getting married in your twenties means you’re missing out completely on your young adult life. You’ll never understand what you’re missing by making this decision.”
“Wait, you’re not having a wedding party? At ALL?! Oh my God. No bachelorette? Or bridesmaids? Hahaha you’re SO gonna regret that, you can’t ever go back you know. Seriously, you don’t know what you’re missing.”
I was polite, truly I was, but it took every ounce of self-control I posess not to retaliate with a very nasty “As though you have ANY idea what you’re talking about, Ms. never-married-perpetually-single-jealous-unkempt-college-dropout!” Instead I completely ignored her comments in favor of observing the weather. Oh my, how sunny it is!
Has anyone else experienced this strange phenomenon of rude criticism, patronization, and utter contempt? I’m not going to regret my decisions to a. marry, b. not have a wedding party, and c. not have a bach. So why does this woman feel the need to tell me I am?
Post # 3
Some people just feel the need to get their two cents in. Thats really the only explanation I can give you. My stand by for these things was often “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I guess we’re just going to have disagree on this one” both followed by a quick change of subject. Either way it sucks that some people just can’t keep their mouths shut.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant
She feels like need because it validates her perspective and life. People can be so rude and self-centered. Just because she did something doesn’t make it right for everyone. And if you did it her way, you’d be missing out on a bunch of other stuff that you’ll have by doing it your way. You are much better than her for holding your tounge and probably a lot better than I would have been. Bravo.
Post # 5
oh wow, thats pretty rude of her. I think it’s just people thinking they “know it all” that and being younger, they think everyone is after “experiencing things while being young.” Although, some people are different. I will be married before I turn 22. I don’t feel like I will regret it, you can still do what you want when you are married..hell you have somebody to experience it with you know?
I would say she is just jealous. She sees you planning your life and sees her life going nowhere 🙂
Post # 6
Ugh. She sounds like she’s green with jealousy and/or has bought into the crazy wedding industry crap of “you MUST have 25 bridesmaids/groomsmen and 500 guests and callalilly bouttenieres or else it’s not a REAL wedding!!!”.
Also the whole “missing your 20s” BS? Maybe HER 20s were awesome because she had no responsabilities in life… so it was a giant party for her. My engagement/relationship with FI has been one of the most enjoyable aspects of my 20s… grad school was so much work and I have a super demanding job, so coming home to FI and building memories together? the best part of my day.
Post # 7
I’m a 2o-s bride, I’ll be 26. I get what he’s saying, and I agree. You can’t un-do or re-do anytihng. I committed myself to now fiance when I was 21. He is my only serious adult relationship. In a way I did “miss” a lot of things, but I don’t regret it.
It wasn’t his place to say, but it is true. Only difference is those are the things he regrets/would have regretted in his life where as it’s just not a big deal to you, or me for that matter. Chin up!
Post # 8
So she’s never been married but she wants to tell you what your doing wrong with your wedding? Oh shove it Ms. Unkempt. Good for you for being polite. I would have let her know what she is missing out by not being loved and living a lonely single life where she goes to bed alone every night and makes dinner for 1. 🙂 I’m so polite.
People can be so rude. I am 21 and although some may say I am missing out on my 20’s what they don’t realize is SO encourages me to go out, make friends, get drunk, stay out all night, and get rowdy as long as I’m safe. I am more than free to do whatever I want and I am not going to now be confined to my home every night for the rest of my life because I am getting married. People are so ignorant. I also doubt that if you want to stay at home every night that is some huge change from what you are already doing. Marriage isn’t some death sentence.
Post # 9
Just try to avoid negative people like that and roll your eyes at them. They are just trying to make themselve’s feel better about their own situation. I “experienced” a lot in my early 20s and it was hell. Just saying. I wasn’t happy, and now that I am married things are much better for me, I have a stable situation, am working on getting my life together and stopped drinking and partying. The 20s is a large block of time- for me 22 was extremely different than now at 27. In reverse, I have to remind myself not to judge people who are still out there being single and partying- everyone’s life is different. No one has a right to judge your situation.
Post # 10
I think you handled it very well. Some people worry that they haven’t sowed their oats enough, and then there are those who have never been very good being single people and find comfort in a committed relationship. She/he’s clearly just in a different position than you. I’m 22 and have been with my SO for 5 1/2 years and I never sit and think to myself that I’m wasting my life away, because the truth is I don’t have a need to go out and party every night. I enjoy being home in my quiet house with my pseudo-hubby and dog, snuggling on the couch.
Good job on not getting snarky 🙂 It wouldn’t have done anything but make the other person think you were snarky because to them what they said wasn’t rude, they just don’t understand where you are coming from.
Post # 11
First of all, I am 24, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we spend basically all our time together already and there is no way we’re leaving each other. Getting married isn’t going to change that, so I fail to see how I’m missing out on anything.
For her second point, I never went to prom and people told me I’d regret that EVER SO MUCH… nope, still don’t regret it at all. Some people don’t need prom or bachelorette parties to feel completed in life.
I think you handled it well.
Post # 12
Thank you, ladies, for your positive remarks. I’m still not sure how I managed not to react a little more… strongly… but I’ve managed to avoid conversation about weddings with this person since that incident, so I guess that’s something.
@MsBrooklynA: “Marriage isn’t some death sentence.” YES, exactly my thought. This woman tried to convince me that marriage is the death knell for fun, adventure, and the enjoyment of life, and I just won’t buy it. Frankly I’m rather looking forward to the challenge of growing together both as people and as a couple.
Post # 13
Some people just think that “their way” is somehow the best and only way, because they’re simply too self-centered or something, so let it go. Sounds like this person is not a close friend, so you can’t expect much else from random people.
I did enjoy my 20s, as I only met my FI when I was 28. I got to do lots of different experiences and was able to choose my road independently (I moved to different countries twice), and I am very happy and grateful about that. I also feel like I’ve “been there done that”, so I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything so far.
However, had I met my FI in my 20s, I would have put him first. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had so far, but I would have many more cherished memories with him. Sometimes I am sorry we met so late, as I would have liked to have even more time with him (even if we’re promising to spend the rest of our lives together!).
Lastly, where I’m from, wedding parties and bridesmaids don’t exist. As in, at all, it’s simply not done. I still find it wierd when I see all these girls dressed in the same way framing the bride, and I’m like “but what’s your purpose?”. It just looks so fake! (to me, as I’m not used to it). So I don’t think you’ll miss it or regret it!
Post # 14
People are obnoxious. My favorite response when people tell me things like that are “I’m not concerned.” and change the subject. It seems to kind of put them in their place without being openly hostile… just lets them know this isn’t really a topic of discussion.
Post # 15
There is a women I work with that got married at my age and then divorced like 5 years later. She tells me constantly thats its a mistake to get married before 30. It takes everything I have not to tell her that I think her husband left her because she is freaking crazy. Some people just think they know everything. I bet if my marriage did end she wouldn’t be there to support me, she’d be there laughing and saying I told you so, just all around not nice people.