You gotta be kidding me, is this REALLY necessary?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: What would you do
    talk to FSIL about past problems and clear the air NOW : (26 votes)
    18 %
    just not say anything and keep things as they are : (52 votes)
    37 %
    talk to FSIL LATER if things are still not beyond cordial between you two : (52 votes)
    37 %
    uhh, idk : (11 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5697 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    It kind of depends on ify ou think a conversation about whatever happened, is actually going to change anything. If you think the two of you can have an adult conversation where you can come to an agreement or at leats an understanding, then it may be worth sitting down for coffee together. 

    If not, then I would suggest making an effort to be a bit closer to her, but letting the past be the past. Having a conversation with someone is pointless if it can’t be productive.

    Post # 5
    Member
    4513 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I don’t think you even need to be close. That can’t be forced. If you click, you click. I wouldn’t approach her with that subject. It just seems like it would be awfully awkward.

    I was expected to instantly become close with my stepsisters. Never happened. We get along fine, but we aren’t close or sisterly.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1619 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think a lot depends on whether or not she is willing to try and have a closer relationship – for her brother – at least initially.

    If she’s willing to make and effort, and you are too, then maybe you can decide to put the past behind you and move forward from here.  If she’s not willing, then no matter how hard you try, it won’t get better.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4540 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

    If you’ve been cordial for the past 6 months, and it was nothing more than passive aggressiveness to begin with, then I don’t think you need to actually approach her. Something may develop over the next few years. If it doesn’t, well… you’re not going to be BFFs with everyone. If you can be friendly, then that’s all that’s really necessary.

    Post # 8
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    If you’re uncomfortale with it, I don’t see why you would NEED to bring up the issue that happened in the past. My suggestion is to wait till you’re in a comfortable social situation. Maybe invite her out next time you go out with friends or are having some drinks. Don’t make it a huge deal and “pull her aside” …just wait till you’re fairly alone or tell her you want a moment with her.. And tell her you’d like to get to know her better for the sake of your SO and because you genuinely think it would be a good idea…and see how she responds. 

    And just hang out with her more. You don’t have to go out shopping together hand in hand, but try to have conversations with her and find common interests. Let it happen naturally and don’t force it. 

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    7203 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @mckey430:  You’re cordial, that’s good enough. Give it time. If you do end up marrying your bf, you’ve got years and years for the relationship to grow naturally.

    It’s not fair to compare it to the relationship between your mom and your dad’s sister, because they’ve known each other for more than 20 years.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1619 posts
    Bumble bee

    @mckey430:  Well then at some moment when she’s talking to you and there aren’t tons of people around say something like, “I’m so glad that we’ve been chatting a bit more … I know we got off to a rocky start, and I know that I didn’t help matters at that time.  But for SO’s sake, I’m glad that we seem to be doing better now.  Wanna go have a cup of coffee sometime?”

    It acknowledges the past, you own up to your part in it and give hints that you would like to move forward. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1619 posts
    Bumble bee

    @mckey430:  i hope it works, at least then you’ve extended the olive branch

    Post # 15
    Hostess
    3787 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @paula1248:  +1 

    It’s not fair to compare it to the relationship between your mom and your dad’s sister, because they’ve known each other for more than 20 years.

    This, exactly. You’re comparing apples and oranges. And I’m sure if you asked your mom what that relationship was like (or other relationships with her now inlaws) was like when she was much younger and dating your dad, she will tell you it was very different. If she doesn’t, it’s probably just revisionist memories.

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