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It sounds like your parents object for some reason? If so, it might be tough to get them excited...
I'm sorry, that's probably not very fun. But at least you know your future family is there for you and supports your decision, which is more than a lot of brides have. Look on the bright side, bask in the happiness you feel about your engagement, start planning (and have a hella lot of fun doing it), and your family will either 1) not be able to resist in joining in the festivities or 2) keep ignoring the whole situation. Either way, you can't force them to support you, you just have to hope that they will, especially when they see how positive you can be despite them. Best of luck and happy planning!
Maybe they think you are too young or rushed into it? I might be in the minority here, but IMO 18 is way too young to get married and if my 18 year old told me she was engaged (she's only 4 right now!) I would be less than excited. Also, how long have y'all been together? Have y'all had a good stable relationship or a normal teenage kind of thing where you hate each other every other week? Are you in school? Is he in school? Maybe your parents think y'all can't provide for yourself. Did he actually propose with a ring and everything or did y'all just decide to get married one day? I ask all of this because I have a friend who did this all to her parents when she was around your age and of course her parents weren't happy.
While I'm excited for you, I too have a 4 year old and would be the same way as KateMW if mine came to me at 18 I would think she was nuts, and definityly not be excited.
Not to say I wasn't MADLY in love when I was 18. You couldn't pry us apart with a crowbar, we were together from the time I was 16-21. He was everything to me, and were also getting married. I had a beautiful, but tiny dimond ring. I realized around 21 I hadn't gone out to find "me" - I was only me for him, and no matter how much I loved him, that wasn't fair to me. I was a great person I needed to find that out.
At 18 you're just becomming the wonderful and amazing person you'll be when you're 25, 35, 55, 75+! You owe it to yourself to find yourself before you give yourself to someone else. I'm not saying call of the wedding by any means, I'm a firm believer in "whats meant to be will find a way" I'm just saying, maybe take a longer engagement don't run to the altar.
Maybe showing your parents how serious you really are about each other and this huge life decision with a longer engagement, will help them ease into being excited. I think that at your age it's one of those things you're going to have to work around with them, if you force it and rush they won't be on board and the last thing you want is to be back here, like me, complainng that something else has gone wrong...;-)
Take care, hang in there, don't rush and HUGS!!!!
I second the don't rush advice. Have you spoken to your parents about their concerns and really listened to what they had to say?
My mom got married when she was 18. 38 years later my parents are still together, but it hasn't always been pretty and my mom definitely had problems individuating and developing as a person because of her early marriage.
It can work. I mean, my parents are still together, after all... but it takes a ton of commitment.
Maybe if you listen to your family's concerns, show them that you are willing to go to pre-marital counseling, go to school, and develop yourself you'll help allay their concerns.
My sister was 21 when she got married, but she dropped out of college to do it. She regrets stopping her education now, because she feels like she won't want to stay at home with the kids forever and she has no market-able skills.
So, have a long engagement while you finish your education and enjoy the rest of your teens and early 20s!
Oh my dear Lord I've changed personalities about four times since I was 18 - and at 29 I finally feel like I know who I am, am happy with that person and feel ready to commit to someone. I'm by no means saying that you shouldn't get married, but just like everyone else said - talk with your parents. Go in with an open mind and don't be defensive. You're going to hate this, but at your age, I thought I knew everything too. I thought I knew what was best for me and dang it if I wasn't going to have anyone challenge that. What did they know? Yeah, looking back on that ...
Good luck and take it slow. You have the rest of your lives in front of you, and your parents are just looking out for your best interests.
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I have several friends who married their high school sweethearts, and it has worked out well for all of them. However, they all waited until after graduating from college to get married, which I think helped their relationships a lot.
I also have several friends who married in their late teens/early twenties, without going to college - they are all divorced. I'm not saying, of course, that this is where you will end up. However, I know in all these cases that what finally happened is that the women realized they had never had the chance to have the life they wanted - they went right from living with their parents to living with their husbands (and usually to having children very soon afterwards) and never had the chance to really have their own lives. It's awfully sad for everyone involved when a woman decides that the husband and kids and life she has is not what she would have chosen, had she really made a choice.
My FI's daughter is 20, and lives with us and attends community college. We are actually quite thankful that she is not even dating seriously, as we really think she ought to have the opportunity (and experience) of having her own apartment and living on her own, supporting herself, before she makes the choice to marry. Perhaps that is what your own parents feel, and why they are not excited.
You don't say what your plans are as far as work or college, but maybe if you can convince your parents that you have some plans, other than being somebody's wife, they will feel better about your choice. Personally, I would advise waiting a few years - if this guy is the right one, the relationship will last - even if you don't go to the same college (there are lots of long-distance relationship stories on weddingbee). And you can get married better equipped to deal with life in general, and the realities of today, in which women often don't have a real choice about whether to work, in which women often are the primary or at least an equal financial support for the family - and you won't end up 15 years from now feeling like you really missed out on something.
I forgot to add that I know that there are people who married really young and it worked out just great, but my husband was also married very young to his high school sweetheart and after 7 years of marriage and dating from the time they were 14 they got divorced. When people grow up together, sometimes they grow apart. Maybe that's what your parents are worried about.
I forgot to add that I know that there are people who married really young and it worked out just great, but my husband was also married very young to his high school sweetheart and after 7 years of marriage and dating from the time they were 14 they got divorced. When people grow up together, sometimes they grow apart. Maybe that's what your parents are worried about.
How long will your engagement be? Maybe you should take it slow and instead of focusing on wedding planning, focus on the relationship for 4 years or so, then start wedding planning. This way your family has time to digest the whole thing and come around, you have time to really discover him, and everyone is happy. Good luck.
I think it's too much to ask for a family to get excited that their daughter is marrying at such a young age...I don't think that's any parent's ideal situation esp. since statistically the younger you are when you marry the more likely you are to divorce. Maybe to be tolerant of it, but to be excited? Don't try to force them into planning...if they did take part it would probably be with fake enthusiasm and I don't think that's what you want. They may eventually come around but for now I think you just have to do your planning with the groom's side.
You asked about how to get them involved...maybe the first step (if you haven't) is to let them have their say about why they are not more supportive. They might have legitimate things on their mind that are important for you to hear. Once you hear them out, you can decide if there are things you can do to address their concerns (e.g., let them know you are going to college) or if they are being unreasonable.
You should also tell them how important it is to you that they be involved. While they might not still be thrilled you are getting married, you can probably ask them to do specific things in the planning process that will get them to be a part of it.
oh believe me ladies they've all had their say whether it was pretty or not. We've been together for two years and the engagement will be a long one (almost a year and a half). I will be attending college in the fall since i've already completed my generals in high school. I think the one main problem is that my mother is on her second marriage and the first time got married right out of high school and had my older sister at nineteen. I can finally get her to act somewhat interested but she acts as though im wasting her time. We havent even discussed anything serious yet.........
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18 is very, very young to be married. I only know of a few couples that married at that age and most of them have divorced - there is a LOT of growth that happens in your 20s, which includes living on your own, higher education, simply figuring out who you are as a person. That's not to say that marrying the love of your life right now will end in disaster, but that unless there is a pressing rush, why not have a very long engagement and marry post-college as one of hte other posters suggested? This may be a good way to demonstrate to your parents that you're being mature, taking things slowly and will also give them time to adjust and become more excited about the wedding.
I don't think you should walk down the aisle until your 21... I changed a lot during 18-21. I think possible exceptions to this could be if you are pregnant... then I understand your desire to be married and think this is a great idea. You're linked to this man for the rest of your life, why not do your best to build a life for your child.
If you are hell bent on getting married talk to your parents. Because of your age, they might not totally get involved... but I'm sure they will be part of your day. That's all you can really ask for... if this is truly what you want, it shouldn't matter.
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Hey younginlove --- it sounds like your mom is afraid you're headed down her same path.
I think its wonderful that you've found love at such a young age, it's a great security during what is often a very awkward time in life. I would encourage you both to really stay open to experiencing your college years for all that they have to offer. I'm not saying have an open relationship or anything like that, but just enjoy your relationship for what it is and not stress it out with making a lifelong commitment.
College is a real time of self-discovery and I've seen my share of girlfriends come from solid 2-3yr long high school relationships then decide they want something different for their life in college as their education and world experience grows. I've had other girlfriends stay strong with their guy all through those college years. Unfortunately, now 10yrs in, those relationships are hitting a bit of 'mid-life crisis' because they didn't get to just be young, single and self-exploring.
I think you need to make sure you know why you're getting married so young, so that you can explain it to your parents, so that they can be more supportive. You don't need their enthusiastic participation, but you do need their support. Love really is not enough of a reason to get married. Trying to get out of your parents house is not enough of a reason, unless they are really horrible to you and you have absolutely no way to support yourself. (Still don't think it is enough of a reason.) The idea of being tied to another person, romantically, is very exciting. The idea of being tied to another person, legally and financially, is less so. This is the person who will be your next of kin and decide whether to donate your organs or when to pull you off life support if, God forbid, something should happen to you. You will have to decide the same. This is the person who will have to decide where you will be buried, and what to do with any and all of your money. You will have to do the same for him. This is the person whose health and car insurance you will be on, or the person who will be on yours. When he has a car accident, your insurance will go up, because you will be tied together. This is the person that you will have to sit down and figure out how to pay your income taxes with, because you won't be a dependant anymore. This is the person you have to learn how to handle money with. This is the person whose financial messiness could ruin you, or vice versa. This is the person whose credit card debt will be tied to you. This is the person that you will have to support if he loses his job, and vice versa. Two people on one nineteen and a half year old's income? That is extremely difficult, at least where I come from.
I think the reason that college lasts from 2-4 years is because that is pretty much how long it takes to make the transition from being a child to being an adult. For most people, their parents still take care of some things for them, are still able to support them emotionally or financially. Marriage, before you fully transition, means that you have to grow up too fast.
I really don't mean to rain on your parade, and obviously you're very excited and you came to the hive for support and not for all of us to tell you that you are too young to get married. I just know that at 18, I didn't realize all of the legal and financial details that marriage entails, I only understood that it meant that you were bound to each other for the rest of your lives, so I thought I'd fill you in on the ones I can think of, so that you can go to your parents and explain that you and your fiance are really ready for this commitment and all that it entails, and that you really understand what marriage means. I think once you can demonstrate that you really are an adult, they may realize that you are ready to get married.
And if your mother continues to act like you are wasting her time, don't involve her in your planning.
I personally think people are crazy to get married before they are 30 : )
But that's not what you asked.
Your mother is concerned because she married young and her marriage failed. Your sister also married young and may be realizing that it isn't her ideal situation after all, either. They don't want to see you in the same situation.
Your life is your own, and although people may disagree with the choices you make (and for good reason), they are still your choices and nobody else's. That being said, you can not force your family to be happy for you if they are not - and they obviously are not. If you choose to follow through with this marriage in the timeline you've laid out, do not expect them to jump for joy - if they were going to, they would have done it already. My parents would have killed me if I announced at 18 that I was getting married.
Like a few of the ladies above, I would suggest a really long engagement (ie 3-4 years). You're probably tired of hearing this already but there really IS a lot of growing up that happens between age 18-23. If my high school sweetheart had proposed to me when we were 18/ 19, I probably would have said "yes" because I couldn't imagine a life without him at the time. But fast forward, we were together for a total of 7 years before we realized that we became different people from who we were in high school and were more suited to friends. Now, at age 33, I can truly say that I know myself well enough to know that my new husband is truly the love of my life.
Not to sound preachy but please take time to get to know yourself and establish your identity as an individual before you establish a permanent identity as a couple. If you believe this love is everlasting, then it'll still be there after the long engagement.
As for your parents, communication is always the key.
It might be hard to get them excited for wedding planning, especially since they've been in similar situations and it hasn't worked out for them.
My advice would be to take a pre-marital course. It might show your parents that you are serious about your relationship and you are willing to take the steps to make sure it gets off on the right foot.
In my case, I married my first boyfriend, we started dating in high school. We are now 26 and just got married, we had waited because we were both financially dependant on our parents to help get us through university and we wanted to be able to individually self sufficient on our own. We took premarital counseling and I think we both really benefitted from it.
I hope everything works out for you; you can't force others to be excited for you. As long as your happy, that is all that matters.
My boyfriend and I decided as soon as we realized how serious we were about eachother to NOT get married until after we turned 21 (which would be when we would be graduated from college, ideally, but we both ended up taking a little time off so it will ofset graduation a little.) I'm 19 right now and he turns 20 next week and we're not yet engaged, though he's popping the question some time at the end of this year. We also agreed on a one and a half year engagement, and we're wanting a wedding some time around summer 2010. The kicker in this is that our one year anniversary is October 31st of this year. Now, Ive had some people think this is WAY rushing it but there are several very important factors in this relationship:
A) We are both VERY mature and independant people. We joke around that we've always felt at least 10 years older than we really are. We've both lived on our own, completely supported ourselves financially, and are 100% secure with who we are and where we stand in our lives.
B) We've been through so many life chages together. I've gone from financial devistation to getting back on my feet with nothing but his help. I've become estranged with my parents and fled to him for support, leading us to our current situation of living together, and become semi-reconnected with my parents. He's been nothing but there for me. We've both gone through career changes, family deaths, major purchases, all kinds of things that life brings on and we've handled them fabulously.
C) When you've met the one, I don't care what anyone says, you absolutely know it and no amount of a waiting period will change that.
I know this reads like more of a justification for our own union, but it's meant as a helpful example. I am absolutely 1000% percent certain that I'll be making the right decision marrying him when I do. In my opinion, 18 is too young to be married. Wait at least two years, if not a little longer. I think the older the better, but some times you just can't wait. 
Be sure to read plenty of books, talk about all the important things you can think of (plans for children, housing, career ideas, religious beliefs, cover ALL bases), maybe even go to couples counceling just to make sure both of you AND your relationship are mature and ready to live a life together. Marriage take work work WORK and, while butterflies and lovey-doviness are GREAT, you need to make sure you are approaching things from a level-headed and well rounded perspective. Bottom line: as long as you're being mature and level headed and not getting swept up in the emotions of young love, you should be happy together forever. 
Hindsight is 20/20, right? I know all of you older gals mean well, but saying that you wouldn't advocate marriage before 21 or 30 (?!) isn't what the OP asked, nor is it very helpful. Janna and ist, I think you've got the right idea.
I was wondering how well your family knows your fiance and how much time you all have spent around them together? I know the more and more my family spent time with my boyfriend and I together the more they grew to love him, and us as a couple. Because they knew him so well that when he approached them to ask to marry me they were more than excited even though I was only 21. So maybe if you spent some time with your family together and proving your love for one another. I know you shouldn't have to do that but maybe in this situation you need to. Also maybe if your fiancee took sometime to talk to your parents about there concerns and explain to them how he feels about you and why he wants to marry you. Maybe that would open them up more. ANyway.. good luck and congratulations. Just remember even though you get married doesn't mean all your dreams go down the drain, you just get someone to fulfill those dreams with.
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Okay, here's advice from an engaged 20-year-old, so take it or leave it as one of experience or inexperience :D First of all, financial independence. Yes we are 20, and yes I am in school, but FH is military and has his own income, while I have been financially independent outside of housing/tuition for four years (paying for all expenses outside of my tuition and everything out of my own house in high school). You need to know how to deal with money. Do not rely on him - build your own credit, have your own savings, etc. And if you show your parents that you are capable, as a couple, of supporting yourselves and even willing and able to take on all aspects of your life, that can help a lot. In my case, we talked through every expense we could think of and compared it to our own salaries to see whether we could truly live on our own (tuition, fees, books, rent, food, transportation etc) We determined that it would be difficult, but we could do it. Then we "presented" our plan to our parents, who assured us that they were willing to continue contribution to my tuition. Financial maturity is usually one of the greatest concerns - they don't want you to get married then, years later, end up divorced with no credit and no savings.
Your relationship, of course, is also important. Are your parents aware of your commitment to each other? Do they know that you have talked through every scenario - maybe even bought one of those marriage advice books and gone through the little quizzes and questionnaires? How many (if any) children, what religion, will anyone stay home with children and who, what kind of professions will you have and will that restrict where you live - and where do you want to live? Can you compromise and live happily if he loves the country and you love the city? I think these are the kinds of things your parents are worried about and if you can let them see that you are prepared and mature - like anyone else getting married but you just happen to be younger - it may ease their fears.
Also, just be prepared for criticism of your choice. Take it and let it go, because if you hang on to it, or appear defensive, it will only increase the doubt in other's eyes and perhaps instill doubt in yourself (though if you do have this doubt, and your parents' disapproval might be bringing it to light, let it come through - talk about it with your fiance and a good friend, and be sure that this is the right choice for YOU forever). You should recognize, also, that truly many young marriages do not work and people are going to think of this first when you tell them. However, many older marriages do not work as well -if you are not honest and open with your partner, especially. My mother said this to me when I first brought up the possibility of my engagement with her: She married my dad in her early 30's and (I am oversimplifying) let him take her along for the ride for years, allowing him to push her around, while neither of them expressed their true feelings out of fear for hurting the other. They were divorced after 17 years of marriage. So, marriage does not work for many reasons - not just because you are young.
Even some of my "best" friends were stand-offish at first towards me. Generally as a culture we don't expect people to marry so young and if it happens, it makes people around you feel like "how is this happening already?" I talked to my friends more later, and they explained that they were just kind of shocked that we have grown up and this is a possibility - then proceeded to apologize for being distant and telling me how they just knew it would happen with me/us (these are the people who told me "you are going to be married first" in middle school). Your parents see you as their child. It is difficult to accept.
(Sorry I wrote so much! It is important to me that if anyone is planning on marrying young they are not just dismissed with the words "it won't work" or "why would you do that". Neither of those are constructive and neither will change the person's mind. Only he or she, at this point, can and will make the decision, and I hope it is based on careful thought and analysis of what is best - whether that is to keep dating, to live together, to become domestic partners, to marry, or even to break up - whatever is best for them PERSONALLY and not just their relationship in the long-run)
I think taking a premarital class is a great idea. It shows your commitment to one another in a tangible way for your family and prevents them from saying "you're not taking this seriously."
i'm 21 and just got married two months ago. it is absolutely possible to get married young and make it successful, but the life circumstances you go through (college, first job, etc.) can test your relationship.
as long as you've thought this out, you can do it. you just have to be fully committed to your relationship - marriage is not easily undone.
as far as getting your family on board, you have a year and a half engagement, right? that should give them time to come around to your marriage. if not, marriage is you two. yeah, i know, the family comes too, but you're 18 - old enough to be independent and make your own decisions.
good luck! give your family space and time and i think they'll come around - particularly if you both show your ability to care for yourselves during this engagment period.
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Mr. Cherry Pie and I have been together since I was 17 and he was 20. But we waited until I was 25 to get engaged. I'd always read that the human brain keeps maturing and changing physically until you're 25 and that means major changes to your way of thinking and even your personality. I figured if we made it through those years together, we could make it through anything.
Honestly, I'm really glad we didn't get engaged sooner, but even if we had I bet we'd still be together. So good luck to you!
THANK YOU STACEYB!!!! I really appreciate each and everyone of your opinions but no more please....thank you all a ton
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Im eighteen, and recently engaged and the only people thatare excited are his family....my family's plan is just to ignore that anything in even going on. How do i get them involved?
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