(Closed) You want to marry…So aren't you engaged?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The couple saying “oh ya someday we’ll get married” is not being engaged. if you’re actively planning a wedding and you don’t have a ring? Thats more of a grey line. 

Also I don’t know of many men who had the ring for months before the engagement.  But yeah, to each their own. 

Post # 4
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

to each their own. A proposal and a ring “seal the deal” for me personally. Whether or not it’s a recent phenomenon, it’s still what is the norm, and many people follow the norm.

Post # 5
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@floralteacup:  Honestly I feel the same way you do but it’s my SO who insists that it has to be a “proper” proposal and he wants to plan it for me because I do so much for him and it’s his turn to do something big for me.  He’s had the ring for 3 months, we bought our house over 2 years ago and at the time we bought our house we knew we were going to get married eventually.  He kept saying we couldn’t be engaged without a ring.  I really do feel the proposal is more important to him than it is to me.  He wants to have a fantastic story to tell family, friends, our kids and grandkids apparently and he doesn’t want it to be something different and special.  We already feel married and he introduces me to people and refers to me as his wife so I guess getting engaged is more of a formality at this point.  

Post # 6
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

@zonabee:  +1

 

plus…to be honest, many guys(even girls) just say what they think the SO wants to hear…like yeah we will get married in the future…and they may not mean it..to me the proposal solidifies it

Post # 7
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@floralteacup:  

The origins of European engagement in marriage practice is found in the Jewish law (Torah), first exemplified by Abraham, and outlined in the lastTalmudic tractate of the Nashim (Women) order, where marriage consists of two separate acts, called hierusin (or kiddushin, meaning sanctification), which is the betrothal ceremony, and nissu’in or chupah,[1] the actual ceremony for the marriageErusin changes the couple’s interpersonal status, while nissu’in brings about the legal consequences of the change of status. (However, in the Talmud and other sources of Jewish law there is also a process, called shidduchin, corresponding to what today is called engagement. Marrying without such an agreement is considered immoral.[2] 

 

I took this from the Wikipedia article from engagement. Apparently the ritual of asking for the bride’s hand in marriage goes waay back.

Post # 8
Member
710 posts
Busy bee

Hmm, I don’t see it that way.

A couple planning a life together, with or without the engagment, are committed to each other and invested in the relationship. These are important, but I see engagement as a step towards making it contractual, legally and socially.

Plus… for the sake of conversation… might the romantic proposal be a recent phenomenon because women’s rights (including autonomy to choose her spouse) are similarly ‘recent’?

Post # 9
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

@floralteacup:  I agree. This is how things are done in my culture, traditionally. The man asks for permission from the woman’s parents; the two of them are engaged. Rings are optional.

It just seems like the whole wedding industry makes it so that we aren’t “officially engaged” without a ring on the finger. It’s frustrating.

My FI bought the ring 2 years before we were officially engaged. He asked for my parents’ blessings FOUR years before we were officially engaged. LOL! It’s been so long that he asked that my parents didn’t remember FI asking for their blessings, until I reminded them about a certain conversation I had to translate AFTER SO left, because his spoken English was too fast for my parents’ understanding.

Post # 10
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wonder about this myself. SO and I aren’t engaged yet, but we picked a date for our wedding (our 10th anniversary). No official planning has been done, but we talk about it like it’s actually planned (“when” not “if”). But he hasn’t decided if he’s ready to propose. Sometimes I get so frustrated, because I’m like…aren’t we basically engaged already?? Men are silly.

Post # 11
Member
9072 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well I can agree with you.  SO and I decided we wanted to get married and even decided when.  I wanted to start telling everyone but he wanted me to wait until he got the ring and asked me “properly.”  I imagine it was because once we started telling people everyone would ask to see the ring and ask how he did it. 

It took us almost 2 months to pick out my ring so it was sort of torture because I wanted to tell everyone!  In reality I told my parents and a few close friends.  We actually booked the venue, photographer, and got my dress before we announced it to everyone else.

Post # 12
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My SO feels the same way you do. In his mind, we’re already engaged. and yet, he also wants to buy the ring and propose when I’m not expecting it.  I feel like ok either we’re engaged or we aren’t and if he wants to propose, then until then we aren’t. I will consider myself engaged when we start actively planning a wedding instead of just throwing out ideas here and there.

Post # 14
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee

FH and I started talking about marriage in “when” terms so long ago that I don’t even remember when it was. I remember telling him, at some point, that we should just consider ourselves engaged, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He HAD to propose with a ring for it to be “official”. 

Post # 16
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My proposal was so wonderful and special—  I wouldn’t dream of having it any other way. We had been dating for 5 years.  We’ve lived together for 3 and have a dog.  We were 100% committed to eachother, for sure.  And of course the topic of marriage came up and we both knew that’s what we wanted.  But we were not engaged until he officially asked me in the most romantic way I could ever imagine.  Why would you want to trade that for a “Yeah okay, let’s do this thing”?  I sure don’t.

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