Post # 1
..is what my DH told me when we had a discussion about kids. Right now we are CBC’ers, but every once in a while I get the urge to start a family. We are pretty newly married, and in the past our discussions included hypothetical future children. We had “the talk” before marriage, and he and I both said that we would maybe have kids one day.
Over the weekend, I asked him if he still feels like “maybe” or he wants kids or he doesn’t? Well he ripped into me and said I would be a horrible mother. His reasons are that I am bad at cleaning and he thinks I am lazy… That he knows it will ruin my body and he’s afraid that the last time we have sex with be when we are TTC because he won’t feel attracted to me afterwards.
What do I do? What if I really start getting baby fever? Should I just stick it out or maybe go to counceling? When I asked him, “In a few years from now what if I really want a baby?” His response was, “Well, then I guess we’ll get a divorce.”
My feelings are hurt because of him saying I’d make a horrible mother and even mentioning the “D” word. I also kind of feel like he lied to me before the wedding. Before he always gave the possibility of us having children. I liked having the possibility, even if we never actually do have kids – the option is there. Now I feel like he’s taken away our option, that he doesn’t love me enough to have a child with me or something? Has anyone gone through this?
I know I’m not ready to be a mom right now, but at the same time I guess I want to have that option.
Post # 2
Wow. That’s a lot of venom to spew at your wife. Is there something else going on to warrant that kind of treatment?
Post # 3
Your husband sounds like a total dick.
Sorry, but seriously, who says that to their wife?
Post # 4
irishphoenix: Not at all. That’s why I felt it was so harsh and it really hurt my feelings. The only thing I can think of is that his cousin recently had a baby and is struggling with parenting. Maybe he hears only horror stories from him and he’s scared? I really don’t know.
Post # 5
Is that the whole story? Were you pressuring him to answer whether he wanted kids or not? Clearly that’s no excuse but it would go some way to explain why he blew up at you and said horrible things, has he always been so volatile? It’s his right not to want to have children, but if that was his decision then it should have been made very clear to you before he married you, and if it WAS made clear to you then it’s not fair to try & change his mind & you need to accept it or leave.
If I were you, I’m sorry but I WOULD leave, you may or may not want children in your future and it doesn’t look like you will get that choice with him, also, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought I would make a terrible mother thats a disgusting thing to say about your WIFE, why did he marry you?! As for his comments about not being attracted to you after giving birth, wow, he needs to grow up.
Post # 6
Wow your husband is a complete asshole. Gosh maybe just take him up on that divorce offer. I’d rather be married to a cactus. They’d be kinder.
Post # 7
My jaw is on the floor. Those were some pretty horrible things that your husband said to you, OP. Not to play I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I, but it doesn’t really sound like he’s a potential Father of the Year candidate himself. How about some respect? Geez.
Post # 8
Yeah, I really don’t get where the hositility came from. It was a Saturday morning, we had just woken up. The weekend before I went to visit my friend that has an 8 month old, and he’s such a good baby. I told DH what a great baby he is, and said “Maybe one day we could have kids and get lucky like that.” He literally laughed in my face! Then said all that stuff…
Post # 9
Sorry but your DH sounds like a douche.
Post # 10
WannaBeeAnonaBee: Was he laughing and joking along with you whilst saying those things? Doesn’t make them any more acceptable but was he completely serious? My FI jokes all the time about my would-be terrible parenting skills(sorry, I don’t like kids and won’t be having them)and I know he doesn’t actually mean it.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
WannaBeeAnonaBee: Even if he only heard horror stories, and the hate comes from a place of personal fear and insecurity about having children, how can you say something like that to your wife?? I would be crushed. I am so sorry you had to hear that. 🙁 It is very unfair.
Unfortunately, I really don’t have any advice aside sharing how it made you feel. Best wishes.
Post # 12
LudaRae: He was completely serious. When I acted like I was upset and literally told him “You just really hurt my feelings by saying I’ll be a horrible mother.” He was like “What? You will.” I sat in silence for awhile after that.
A few hours later I fixed us both lunch and delivered it to his office like I always do. When he said “Thanks for the amazing lunch babe!” I made an offhand remark along the lines of, “Well even though I won’t be a good mother, at least I’m a good wife.” He gave me a super disappointed/agitated look and asked if I wanted to talk about it some more. I could tell he really didn’t want to talk about it, so I just said no and didn’t press the issue. But 2 days later and it’s still really weighing on my mind.
Post # 13
WannaBeeAnonaBee: I really hope he was kidding. Maybe he’s just scared about having kids and he’s lashing out a bit (not that it makes it ok, but hopefully he didn’t really mean any of that).
Post # 14
Honestly, I’d bet on him being a horrible father moreso than you being a horrible mother. What type of person says that to somone they love?!
Even he has valid fears about his sex life and your body changes, there are much more tactful ways of discussing that. He does realize that both you and he will not be the same throughout your lives together, right? Is he just going to trade you in when things start to go south physically??
Whether or not you want to have kids is not the true issue here, your DH is being incredibly harsh.
I am so sorry you’re faced with the person you love being so terrible to you. A good spouse is understanding and kind… not degrading and hateful!
Post # 15
I think you married an asshole. “Ruin” your body? WTF?