Post # 1
Yesterday, my Fiance and I spent Easter with his extended family. When we were driving home I said how much I like his whole family and how comfortable I really feel with them. I said I was looking forward to over the years when they really started feeling like my family too. And he said “they’ll never be your family. You’ll always be an in-law”. I felt really hurt. I realize I haven’t grown up with them, and that blood will always be stronger than legal ties, but I thought down the road they sort of become my family too. In my mom’s family, everyones been married 15+ years and outsiders can’t tell at all who is related, because everyone is so close and welcoming.
(*note* – my father divorced my mom a few years back and now that whole side of my family shuns me because I’m close to my mother. So I was kinda looking forward to be welcomed into a new family)
thanks. I just could really use some feedback from the bees today. I’m feeling my emotional.
Post # 3
@MissShork: Did you let him know how you felt about the comment? Did you ask where that comment came from?
I’d be hurt by a comment like that as well. I’d try to understand where he is coming from and why he said what he said.
Post # 4
Wow, what a mean thing to say. Why wouldn’t you Fiance want his family to become yours as well? Isn’t that what we all hope for when we get married, that the ILs will actually like us and vice versa??
Sorry I don’t know what else to say. I would have been hurt and insulted, and I’d want to know why he felt that way.
Post # 5
Woah that was a really rude comment from your Fiance.
I mean duh, you will always be an inlaw but inlaws are family, just because you arent related by blood doesnt mean you arent family and cant be close.
You have every right to fee emotional, that comment was uncalled for.
Post # 6
@MissShork: Um, wow! Why did he say that? That seems really mean. I’m sorry. 🙁
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2011 - OMOS Church ceremony/Sunnehanna Country Club reception
I would be upset by that comment, too. I think there’s a smidge of truth to his comment, as you’ll always be an in-law in name. However, that’s not say that you can’t be “true” family in the closeness of your relationships with his family members.
Is there any chance this has something to do how your FH feels about the reception he’s received with your family? Just a thought. Either way, the good news is that you DO feel comfortable and accepted by his family, which is not something every bride-to-be can say. Congratulations on finding a good family to join!
Post # 8
@KatNYC2011: I’ve talked to him a little about it. It just seems to be his family mentality. They think your family are your relatives, and then they marry people and they become in-laws. Its sort of just semantics, but I’ve noticed yesterday how the inlaws never seem as included and often seem to hang out seperately than the rest of the family. Its so different than my family. They even treat bfs like family.
Post # 9
thanks for all these comments, I wish I could reply pesronally to each one. (when I started writing my last message, there was only one comment to respond to). I just feel lousy about it. and appreciate the outside perspective from all the bees
Post # 10
I would have been hurt by that comment as well. A few times in our relationship I’ve made a comment to Darling Husband about them being “his” famiy and he always saying “they’re your family too now”. His family has always made me feel very included and his parents treat me like they treat their daughter but I’m sure all families have different dynamics.
Post # 11
Kinda weird, but I guess every family has their own way of handling things. I say you become bff’s with the other “in-laws” and make your side of every party the most fun! Make it a big joke about how the “in-laws” always win when they team up in games or how the “in-laws” side is always the place to be 🙂 Maybe it’ll break the ice and make them see how crazy they’re being, and if not you still have people to hangout with at his family events.
Post # 12
Families are all different. In my ex-husband’s family, you become a real family member and you don’t lose that status even after divorce! In my new husband’s family, they are all very nice and polite, but I don’t think that I will ever feel like I am really in their family. I have gotten over it and am not going to let it bother me. It was kind of mean of him to come out and say though!
Post # 13
Oh, so sorry. That’s a sucky thing to say!
Honestly, he could even be slightly jealous – you’ve been accepted into his family and everyone likes you, and he maybe feeling uneasy about it on the smallest level… so he can say something kinda mean like that without even realizing how it came out.
Everyone’s different but it’s a possibility.
Post # 14
Thanks I really appreciate the support. I just feel so sad. Its hard to imagine always feeling like an outsider and speading holiday after holiday with “NotMyFamily”. I know my Fiance wasn’t trying to be mean. For him, he was just stating a fact. So he doesn’t get why i’m that bothers me.
I’m also super jealous, cause my sister got married a few years ago and has been totally accepted fully into her new family, even calling his grandparents her grandparents now. But I guess every family really does have dynamics. I can’t exactly change their attitude towwards inlaws. They are still very nice to me and we get along. So i suppose i’m luckier than some people.
Post # 15
While I think it was a mean comment for your Fiance to say, that may just be his family’s dynamic (which based on your comments, sounds like it may hold some truth).
Some families are very welcoming and treat in-laws like they are their own flesh and blood. Others are polite and kind, but in-laws never can have quite the closeness of the blood family members. Other families couldn’t care less about having a relationship with in-laws.
It sounds like you FI’s family (based on both his comments and yours) likely falls into category number 2. I’m sorry to hear that you’d like to be closer to them than that but may never be able to have that kind of relationship though. That is never a fun thing to realize and I’m sure it hurts.
Post # 16
Wow. That is an asshole comment for anyone to say. But from your FI? He may as well have said that they don’t like you and you’ll never belong. EESH. You have every right to be hurt. Totally uncool on his part.