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I agree. I see so many couples around me who are miserable and those seem to be the only ones to say that "we'll grow out of it". The happy ones don't seem to. Misery loves company I guess.
I haven't heard this advice from any of the couples in my family; but I've heard people say it before. I agree that it is most likely the unhappy couples who give this advice. FI and I have been together for 11 years, and although we sometimes forget to be kind, we are still very much in love and show that everyday with love notes, hugs, kisses, giving compliments, helping one another... You can't grow out of love, in my opinion...not if it is true.
I agree! I also hate when people say things like . . . Ha! Wait till after the wedding. No more sex. Maybe a couple times a month.
I'm sorry, but no. We will not be like that. We love being intimate and that's not going to change. We may go through ups and downs, but honestly, I kinda doubt it.
@bunnyfoofoo: hehehehe, if that's the case, then we should've stopped acting like teens YEARS ago! LOL!
The "honeymoon" phase "ends" with your first fight after you're married (or so the saying goes).
As for the rest? bah, they're just jealous that you two are still sweet, lovey-dovey, and enjoying each other more than they are or did. ;) I'd say couples who keep how they were before the marriage after they're married have a far better chance of beating the odds (in reference to divorce rates) than those who change after the papers are signed.
To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out why signing a legal document and have a ceremony changes how a couple acts towards each other. I'm kinda baffled by that...
Heh, my parents haven't outgrown it and they are heading it their 40th anniversary next year. That's a LOT to live up to! (Alright, we tease them for stealing kisses and holding hands during movies, but I would never want them to stop.)
@kay01: that's so cute!!!! and I'd totally tease my parents too, if they were like that.
unfortunately, anytime my parents go all lovey-dovey I always give them a really weird look and want to freak out! LOL! they are NOT the touchy-feely types! LOL! My FI, are the exact opposite!
Well, my husband and I have been married for almost seven years and together for ten and we still hear that. We are absolutely best friends and we can't get enough of each other. Some people just like justifying their own life at others' expense.
"Unicorns and Glitter!!" Sorry. I had to.
I agree, Sometimes I think people are just trying to justify that they are no longer being nice to each other, so they say stupid, hurtful things like that.
all of this is just people who want to make themselves feel better about how crappy they are treating each other, if they make people think its normal to be that way they feel better.I wonder how many of these marriages are on their way to falling apart. there is nothing wrong with being nice I get that your going to fight and get on each others nerves sometimes but being rude just for the sake of it no thats not good for any marriage. I often get up to get things for my SO and he does the same for me and we always say thank you, we split chores both ways. I dont see that ever changing, I enjoy being nice and doing things for him it makes me feel good if everyone treated their husband/wife with more respect alot of marriages that break up might last longer
Marriage isn't about being sexless, miserable, and hateful. Relationships aren't either. Really all the honeymoon "phase" is about is being kind, loving and appreciative of your partner. If you can no longer love, appreciate, and be kind towards your partner, you don't need to be with them anymore and you don't need to take it upon yourself to discourage others from being happy. My parents have been married for 26 years and are still in their honeymoon phase.
Long live happy marriages and down with the negative nancys. :)
This is relating to sex after marriage:
J came home one day and told me that a bunch of guys at work were talking about "happy endings" at a massage place. J pretty much acknowledged the fact that he gets his fix at home and is damn well pleasd. One of the guys looked at him and laughed. Told him to wait until he gets married. He'll be visiting the same place.
This was way before we got engaged, but comments such as that tick me off. He's heard it a few other times before our engagement as well. J never really listens though thank god.
Unhappy people always want to rain on another's parade. I do think marriage can be hard, but that is why we are commited to working on it, not ever letting it get to the point of sexlessness, resentment, and rudeness.
Well I've been married a few years, and I will say that the honeymoon phase of newlywed bliss did wear off for us. We got pregnant quickly, and that took a toll on us. We were exhausted, I went through a horrific year of post partum depression, and our sex life took a major backseat. We have fights, we get grumpy with each other, and sometimes we don't appreciate each other.
When we got married, we said "That will never be us" but at one point it was. It can be stressful, especially when he got laid off and we had a baby on the way.We went from "Oh honey, you're my soulmate" to "Why can't you ever turn a damn light off?!"
But I will say, I have come to know the meaning of "For better or worse" and we have seen a lot of great times too. But it's not all sunshine and lollipops for everyone. It doesn't mean you hate each other, maybe it means you weren't expecting it to be so tough sometimes! But we weathered the storm and are so much stronger than we were as newlyweds. So yeah, sometimes when I see couples drenched in smug bliss I kind of think "Just you wait!" It's not as lovey dovey as it was the first couple of years, but we've reached a better place. A place of true partnership and understanding and even more passion, because we've overcome a lot together. I think the tough times give marriage character!
ETA: I also don't think PDA should be a factor, I love my husband like no other, but I don't even like holding his hand in public. It's never felt natural to show affection in front of other people, it's just not "us."
We got some really good advice at our pre-marriage counseling. It wasn't as condescending as "you'll grow out of your honeymoon stage and that's when the REAL stuff happens", but it was very honest and real about how there are phases in all relationships. They called them "love, disillusionment, misery, and reawakening". So the people who are being negative sound like people who never moved out of their misery phase!
I like this description because it allows for a winding down of the lovey-dovey phase - which can't last forever, that would just be exhausting! But it doesn't mean you're doomed to misery forever, either. It was a really honest look at healthy relationships.
But I definitely agree with you and think that people who are somewhat proud of how miserable they are are really annoying!
I get this all the time because we're still dating. My boyfriend and I are very physically affectionate and people tell us in public all the time that we'll "grow out of it" but we've been together for two years and we've never stopped! I hate it.
I agree with PPs. Hubby and I have been together for almost 8 years and people tell us that too.
ETA: My parents are still lovey dovey even though they are taking care of parents and dealing with illness. So it is possible.
I hate getting marital advice from friends/family who have been together for a MUCH shorter time than FI and I have been together. My cousins are particularly bad for this...they've been married for 6mos & a year and only with their SO's for 2 years...FI and I 10 years. We never got married because it just wasn't important to us (still isn't, but ya gotta please family).
We've only been married for a few months, but things do take a toll on us much harder now.
Once the wedding was over, we didn't have the common goal to work towards, which makes it very hard. The wedding was something that always pulled us together, and we could always work with it. Now, we're at a temporary stage in life as DH is working in a graduate degree in a city we don't want to stay in, so there's no "common goal" of a house or kids. It's much harder without that goal - we've gotten bickery with each other, and there's nothing to take our minds off it.
We're working through it slowly, but it really is hard to get through. We have sex much less, and we fight a lot more - it was literally over night with the wedding. We never thought it would happen to us, because we dated for 6 years! But alas. Foot, meet mouth.
The hubs and I have been dating for 8 years and married for 2 weeks. I still get butterflies when he kisses me and we absolutely adore each other. I actually don't think we know any married couples who aren't crazy about each other.
I agree. I hate the "you'll grow out of it" phrase with a passion. DH and I have been together over 3 years and married since September. If anything, I think we are even more lovey dovey and intimate now.
Miserable people are always trying to bring others down. DH has a friend who has been married for over 12 years and him and his wife are both miserable. They'll say something like "so glad you two are so happy" and then tell us how it doesn't last and we will be miserable once we start having kids and living in "the real world". I just want to scream at them, just because they are miserable and they wish they didn't have kids doesn't mean that we will feel the same. DH and I can't wait until we are at the point when we can have kids. And if their "real world" is that miserable, I don't want to be a part of it.
I think having kids really can change a couple. I've noticed this is a common theme with people who say this type of thing. I'm not saying everyone who has children has a miserable marriage, but it definitely changes things. Your priorities shift, and I think you have to work a lot harder at your marriage.
I understand that after a while (and this is every relationship, not just marriage), you lose the "he's 100% perfect, lets have sex twice a day and dress up for each other when we're just going to watch a movie" etc. but losing common courtesy/enjoying each other's company/stopping being polite just means you're a cranky old bat or you shouldn't be married.
I think people are more so saying this in reference to having kids. I think the honeymoon phase exists for years for couples but once a couple has kids things become a lot harder. Like @KatyElle said - you might say "that will never be us" but once you have kids you will probably not have the time or energy for one another that you did in the beginning of your marriage. Our relationship just keeps getting better but I know once we have kids we are going to have to work a lot harder at keeping things normal between the two of us.
Oh don't get me started...
Anytime we are watching a show, talking to people, or just generally hear the mention of how "horrible and nagging" wives can be or how "lazy and stupid" husbands can be I turn it off or walk away. There is nothing I can't stand more than perpetuating these stereotypes. I agree with PPs that the only ppl who say these things must have terrible marriages themselves. I know that things will not always be as they are the first year or so of marriage, but you also are not a kid anymore when you are 50 years old (although that doesn't mean that you can't still act like one :) ).
I hope to always keep the same type of relationship that FI and I have now. We have been together for years and been through a lot together, but at the end of the day we still know how to play and enjoy each others' company. I think THAT gives you something to work toward at all times--keeping a happy relationship. So even when the "honeymoon phase" and the wedding are over, you still have something that you are doing to try to keep the relationship happy.
I am sure that marriage has rocky points for every couple and that it all won't be sniffing roses every moment-
however, I also get very annoyed when I hear those kinds of comments from people...
It does depend on their intentions- some people may genuinely want to prepare us for the reality that there will be some tough spots. BUT there are plenty of others that resent other peoples' happiness and who also have crappy marriages and want to spread their negative energies.
It annoys me too!!! DH opens my car door everytime and has done so from our very first date. I'm definitely the type that can get my own door and don't wait for a guy to do it, but I think it's adorable when DH does it. With that said, we were visiting his family about a year ago and his brother made the comment to me to enjoy it now because that won't last forever. I replied and told him ofcourse it won't last forever...unless you work to make it happen! I LOVED cooking for DH when he first moved home. Now, I would love to make a couple of sandwhiches and call it good when I get home. However, I know that a good home cooked meal is pretty much gold to my DH, so I continue to cook for him. And he continues to open my door, rub my feet, clean the kitchen and is soooo patient with me. Neither one of us always wants to do those nice things for eachother all the time, but we realize that it's the small things that count, so we continue to do them!
@bunnyfoofoo:I've gotten the opposite advice.
"The first year of marriage is the hardest, it's not all honeymoon like they say--it's where you really have to figure everything out."
And some unrelated advice I've gotten,
"The best years of our marriage were when we were struggling"
This was intended to comfort us and make us not worry about struggling with $ (I still don't have a good job and he doesn't make a lot), but it is kind of depressing. So, when we're successful our marriage will get worse?
I'm sure you've heard the lines from Liar Liar "Beauty is on the inside." "That's just something ugly people say."
While that isn't true, "You'll grow out of it" is truly something that unhappily married people say.
Who is to say "you'll grow out of it" is negative. Yes, you grow out of a honeymoon phase. That is why it is called a phase. Just because you grow out of that doesn't mean you grow out of love and start being mean!
Why not think of it as growing out of that phase and growing into another phase? Why's it have to be bad? Being happy does not mean you live in honeymoon never never land phase forever.
I read that to sustain a marriage you need 3 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. If you drop below this, you marriage kinda goes in to 'debt'. Eventually, it catches up with you and your marriage stops working. I think the easiest way to keep up the positive interactions is by being polite. It just seems like when things start to get ,a-hem, 'real' and fights or the lovey-doveys start to fade, that just the simple act of being nice and polite will help keep your marriage account full.
my SO's coworker can't seem to stop himself from obsessing over the bodies of other women. He has been married for 25 years and even I, having never met this man, know all of the unfortunate details of his suffering sex life. He says his wife hates sex so much now that every time she lets him, once a month if he's lucky, she puts a towel down and stares at the ceiling with her arms folded... And makes him feel awful just for wanting sex. She'd be appalled if he looked for sex elsewhere but I honestly wonder what she expects. He's already obsessed with pornography and has asked her to go to counseling but she refuses and says there's nothing wrong. I feel like he's going to leave her, and she won't try anything new or different to try to make things more pleasurable. I don't know who I feel worse for- her for being frigid or him for having to satisfy himself with pornography and live with a wife who won't touch him! And the sex issue existed for a long time before he ever turned to pornography, from what I've heard...
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Bees, I've been thinking about this for awhile and it just irks me: older couples who tell newlyweds that they'll grow out of their honeymoon phase and start acting like a "real" married couple.
What the hell does that mean?
FI and I are courteous to each other. We say thank you when someone does the dishes or cleans the house, and we share the chores equally. We compliment each other, and show affection in public. Who says this has to stop? We've been together 4 years, so it's not like we just met and everything is rainbows in unicorns - we've seen each other at our worst, but we don't take it out on each other; we work through it.
It reminds me of something Danielle Crittendon wrote in her book, "What our Mothers Didn't Tell Us". She was relaying an anecdote of when her husband asked her to pick up his tennis raquet near where she was sitting on the court, as he was across the court, and as she went to grab it, her friend stopped her and said, "Why would you do that for him? Make him do it himself!" (hers was a commentary on when feminism goes too far and becomes simple discourtesy, but it still applies here) as in, would it really kill me that much to just be nice get the raquet? No - so she did it, and her friend was horrified. I mean damn, why is it so hard to just be nice?
So I absolutely HATE IT when people say "you'll grow out of it" - just because you stopped acting nice to each other doesn't mean we will. It doesn't make you "more real" to be rude to each other, and we're not less of a couple (or marriage for that matter) just because we aren't rude to each other. I never understood when people COMPLAIN constantly about their spouses/SOs. If they're so bad, why do you stay with them? I always held the belief that your mate should be someone you want to BRAG about, not belittle. It just makes you look like a negative Nancy when all you do is complain about them.
anyway, herends my rant. Am I being crazy, or does anyone else feel like this sometimes?