Post # 1
My FMIL just won’t let it go…I’m a lawyer…a pretty successful one so far- I’m a midlevel associate at a very good firm in NYC. I make 6 figures. My fiance lost his job last year and so I am providing for us while he waits tables until he can get back into the workforce.
One day, we intend to have kids. maximum 2. I do not intend to give up my job. I do not expect my fiance to give up his job (assuming that he is back in the workforce). He loves what he does and I would not expect that.
We said our friend has to have daycare for her baby because she has to work. They financially can’t do it otherwise.
FMIL says that I can’t give my child to daycare or to a nanny- that I will quit my job, you wait and see, to take care of it.
She seems to forget who pays the mortgage, the bills, the electric,a nd the food. Her attitude is “downsize,” but if we do that: We are both unemployed and can’t even pay for dinner. My response was “if you pay my bills, I’ll happily pop out a kid and quit my job” and then laughed. So she starts in on my fiance about what terrible parents we will be.
I informed her that if that’s the case, 90% of my friends would be derelects, not have good jobs and steady home lives. In fact, a good percentage of my friends whose parents DID stay home are more screwed up than those raised in part by nannies.
In any event…i had to vent that. Gawd it is ANNOYING. In the end, I will not give up my job…lol…I didn’t date for a decade because people told me that I would give up my ambitions for a man. So I made those ambitions reality first.
Post # 3
Ah I get that all the time too! I’m on my way to becoming a CPA so it’s kind of a given that I’ll always be the higher earning one in our marriage. Our families keep asking me about the child-raising situation for the future, and are all just aghast that I want to keep working. If I had a dollar for every time I hear “Wait and see, you’ll never want to go back to work” I would be LOADED. Vent away! My mom just about had a stroke when we mentioned the ultimate goal was to have my husband stay at home while I make the money. I could see the rage forming, kind of amusing in hindsight.
Post # 4
I feel you.
I’m in a relatively high profile business related job that requires alot of travel. I just got promoted! I had alot of education to get this position! Which I’m proud of because I worked my ass off for it. FI’s family is filled with women that got married and never worked after that, which is okay. Everyone has their own life choices to make. However, they’re pretty convinced I will quit my job when time comes.
Comments from various family members including FMIL have been:
“That’s the whole point of marrying a doctor, so you can quit after that”
“Don’t worry, once she pops out a baby she’ll totally quit”.
“She’ll quit in 6 mths after marriage”
“You’ll be doing his laundry someday”
But at the end of the day its between your FI and yourself. I’ve expressed to my FI that I always want to do meaningful work and I don’t intend to quit. I’ve asked him to try to deflect any criticism his family may have. At the end of the day, its between me and him though.
Earning money is always a good thing! You help provide for your kids. Do what feels comfortable for you and FI and IGNORE your MIL!
Post # 5
There’s nothing wrong with daycare. If you do your research and find a quality place, it will be good for your baby. She’s just from a different time.
Post # 6
My response would be: We figured as the grandmother, you’d be watching the kid so I can work! So annoying – why anyone thinks they can tell you what you should or should not do in your life amazes me. My mom tells me all the time that I’ll want to be a stay at home mom once I have kids. I can assure you I won’t! Why would I waste 2 masters degrees and the 70k I put into my education?! Kids with working mothers do just fine thanks very much! I always tel lmy mom our kids won’t be in daycare because unlike her, my FI’s mom has already offered to provide daycare for us! It really throws her over the edge! hehe 😉 Slightly evil I know but she has it coming to her most times.
Post # 7
Yes and not to mention day care is good for you kid! My sister is a SAHM and sends her kid to daycare 2x a week for socialization and her sanity! He developed so many more skills and became much more confident and independent once he started going to day care!
Post # 8
Ugh. It boggles the mind how much some people cling to archaic assumptions. I’m in almost your same situation (only a second year, though), and when I am ready to have kids (at LEAST 2-3 years from now), I will be.
I’m sure I’ll miss my baby at work – heck, I miss my cat now 🙂 But I actually enjoy my job, and I have career ambitions that will not just disappear with a baby. Ugh. I’d say don’t let it get to you, but I know how it can, so vent away, and I’ll be here to commiserate 😉
Post # 9
My MIL is like that-while I’m not against daycare, I’d prefer if one of us could stay home with the kid-especially during their first year. My hubby has said he would have no problem staying at home when we do decide to have kids. I think it’s great he would do this. I think whoever makes the most should keep working and right now that is me. I casually mentioned this to my MIL and she about lost it. She couldn’t stand the thought of her son staying home with the kid-she just kept saying “no, no, no” but wouldn’t give me a specific reason. So she’d rather her grandchild go to daycare than stay home with a loving parent (if it can be afforded)?! Insane.
Post # 10
This kind of backwards shit gives me the screams.
Its none of her business. She has already raised her children.
You and your FI will decide. You have every right to work, and have gone through a ton of education to have this particular career. Your children will be proud of a strong female role model, one who is smart, hardworking, strong and has lived her life her way.
Damn, now I’m mad.
Post # 11
@jouissance: Go girl!!! My mom was always very busy, working 90 hour work-weeks, and so we had a live-in nanny. I turned out fine. My mom just worked very hard to spend most of her free time with my brother and I – she didn’t have as much time to socialize with friends as some other moms did. Just enjoy your wedding and being newlyweds and don’t worry about it until you do get pregnant. Even then, you do what you want, as long as you and your FI are on the same page!
Post # 12
You ladies are all freaking amazing! Love you. Thanks. I needed that. I was about to punt her on Sunday- even though otherwise she’s totally fine as a MIL and I like her…but seriously…life isn’t just about popping out kids.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Just stare at her, smile, and change the subject as quickly as possible. She comes from another generation where they don’t understand that some women have no problem continuing to work after they have children. It’s none of her business whether you and your husband intend to put your child(ren) in daycare or hire a nany to take care of them. But trying to tell her that is only going to cause problems so just smile and nod and do whatever you and your husband decide when the time comes.
Post # 14
I would redirect the conversation every time she brings it up. Doesn’t she have anything else better to talk about?
Post # 15
She’s trying to validate her own life choices by tearing you down. Set some boundaries and distance yourself. UGH hate that!!
Post # 16
That’s obnoxious. It is every person’s and every couple’s choice. I wouldn’t judge a person for being a working parent, or for quitting or putting on hold a career if that is what worked for them.
I’d just make sure you and your FI give the same, consistant story every time. That you will make your decisions together, that there are many effective ways of parenting, and the topic is closed.