Weddingbee boards

My FH and I are fairly young. I'm 18 (19 by the wedding) and he's 21 (22 by the wedding). We've been together for about 2.5 years now, and we've known each other since we were kids. Our engagment is about 15 months which puts us at 3.5 years two days before the wedding.

My family is really disapproving of us getting married. I expected some to be but not all. Yes, we may be young but we're not stupid. Like a few other bess we will be going to therapy beforehand to have the tools needed to put out fights before the grow, and help each other through tough times. We are currently in a long distance relationship but moving in together in two months. We've lived together before, and this is what we want.

Like I said, we're prepared. We know exactly what we're doing (and we have our reasons why). How can I help make my family see that even though we may be young, and our wedding is certainly not traditional, we understand what we're doing? I'm a total wreck some days because I just can't make them understand. 

You won't ever be able to make everyone happy, just remember that. Everyone will have their own opinions about it. I am in the same boat as you kind of. I'm 20 and my fiance is 24, and even though our family's our happy for us, I am sure (more than sure as I am from a small town lol) that some people whisper about our age, whether it be about being too young or the age gap or the numerous other things people can find to talk about. People talk it's just their nature.

As far as your family goes, if you know in your heart it is what you want then hopefully they will learn to understand that. Just make sure that when you do talk to them about it, be as "grown up" as possible about it because anything less will just be more ammo for them.

I understand how you're feeling... and nothing personal (to ddubzz) but i HATE the words "what's the rush?" - I cringe every time I hear it! I am 21, will be 22 at the wedding, and I am getting some of the same feedback that you are. Honestly I think you can know what you want at that age, everyone is different, and yes we grow, we change, but why can't we do that with the person we love? My argument to those people is, if you know what you want, and you are responsible enough to understand the commitment you are making then why wait?? And I've had to tell my Dad (who thinks we should wait until FH is out of university) that, you know what? if you think i'm making a mistake, it's MY mistake to make! I'm not going to postpone my wedding because someone thinks I'm too young. It's my life, my decisions, and yes, sometimes my mistakes. That's what life is all about! I honestly feel like I'm making one of the best decisions of my life by marrying my FH. He treats me great, he's motivated, has a great family, will have an amazing job when he's done school, and will be an amazing father to our children someday!

Moral of the story is, just try your best to ignore them. And try my line if they're getting on your case "It's my life, and it's my mistake to make."

Good luck hun, hugs comin' your way!

Well, I personally think anything under 21 is too young... but all people are different.  If you two love eachother and want to be together, what's the hurry? I almost got married when I was 20, we called it off and we have both changed so much! (we are no longer together).  I'm not saying that that will happen, but a lot changes from 18 to 21. Seriously. Take your time! You have your entire life a head of you!

@daniellemybelle - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Amen sista!

I'm another "older" bee who is siding with your parents. KateMW and Tanya said it best in that we're not trying to discourage you from anything...we're just trying to offer helpful insight for you to understand where your family is coming from too.

Like Roddy, I too had a boyfriend in college for 3 years. I thought at the time that he was the one for me...and we even talked about beign engaged a year after I graduated (he was a year older than me). As time went by and I grew into the woman I am today, I realized that there were a lot of things about him that I was unhappy with. Now that I'm married to my husband, I thank my lucky stars that I didn't marry my ex. Had I married him, I wouldn't have the most wonderful husband in the world right now. I often think about what it would have been like if I married my ex, and I know now that I would be very unhappy.

I'm also not saying that relationships at your age can't work period. We have friends who have been together since they were 15. They each went to different schools and have had rocky parts in their relationships, but they're 26 and 27 now, married for 2 years and together for over 10. They are one of the happiest couples I know. They also took their time, grew together and were married when it fit best for them.

I know that you're frustrated with your family, and you're probably even more frustrated now that some bees are offering advice that might not be what you wanted to hear, but we're all just concerned for you. We are also not in your situation and only know a small snippit of what you're going through, so it's tough to give advice on that. I wish you lots of luck, and know everything will work out for the best for you!

I guess I am a "middle" bee because I'll be 2 months shy of 29 when I get married. I have to say that I can see both sides of this.

I know your not asking for advice but I would take what everyone has posted on here into serious consideration. I was with someone for 7 years and we had originally started dating when I was a senior in high school. In the "beginning of the end" of our relationship I had realized that I no longer loved this person and that we had changed drastically from the people we were when we first met. We were headed in separate directions and wanted different things. There is something to be said from the "older bees" stories and advice. We've been there, done that and we know first hand that people change. You will not be the same person you are now when you are 25, 30, 40, and even 60!

On the other side of this I then met someone who is three years younger than me some time after I had broken up with above mentioned boyfriend. When I met him he was 22. However, any reservations i had about his age disappeared after spending some time with him. I saw that we was actually very mature and I knew after only a short amount of time that he was the person I was meant to be with. Now almost 3 years later, we are engaged and extremely happy. I've asked him before if he had any doubts about settling down so young but he assures me he doesn't and I believe him whole heartedly.

I do believe though that my previous experience allowed me to learn what I want in a partner and what I am willilng to tolerate...and more importantly - what I am not. I'm not telling you not to get married, I'm just suggesting that you really think about it. Whatever you choose though I do wish you the best of luck.

I know exactly how you feel, because I'm there right now. Unluckily for me though, my wedding is supposed to take place in 3 weeks. 

All you can do is try to either find a compromise, give into what they have to say (and don't take this as me calling it a defeat, it's just the way it feels for me personally) or go ahead with your plans. Whatever you choose, stick with it, but show that you are ready in a mature fashion. It's not easy. It's impossible to talk to my father without it ending in an argument. Neither one of us is willing to back down and it's been a non-stop argument for days.

Don't be discouraged. I'm trying my best to make my parents understand that I respect their point of view and show them what decisions that my fiance and I have made to take care of their concerns, but they won't hear it. My father is a difficult person and has never really respected me. If your relatives haven't fully respected you in the past, don't expect it now, but if they have, there is hope to fix things.

Give them your plan of action. They may not want to hear it, or may simply discount it completely, but you let them know your standpoint. You can't make anyone see your point of view, but you can try. Maybe they'll come around, maybe they won't. Try to find a compromise if possible, but if not, be prepared for hurt feelings on both sides.

Be prepared for them to not want to hear it or accept it, make your choice, and stick with it. 

I wish you the best of luck in this. Try not to get discouraged along the way and when needed, remind yourself that this is you and your fiance's decision and nobody else's. If it's a mistake, it's yours to make. Be proud of that.

I want to thank every bee for the words they have shared with me. I understand why some disapprove, and why some are telling me to stick to my guns. From this side of my screen it appears as though the main concern is that we will change through college, and through the next fews years. I should have mentioned, he will be done his college in a month, and I went for a semester, and am heading back in the fall for law.

I understand everyone's concerns, and I know everyone just wants the best for me. It's painful to watch someone go through something when you know you can't help, I understand that. My parents have split up, my dad remarried, and left her as well for his secretary. My mom is currently engaged a second time to her high school sweetheart.

I must admit, it was much easier to read both sides written down than it was to hear it from my family. This is what we want, and he HAS changed me, but it's been for the better. We do make our own money, and we do pay our own bills. Or as much as our parents permit us to anyways. It's difficult trying to show my side to others, but I'm sure my family is having the same fustrations to show their sides to me.

To those who don't support us, thank you for having the guts to look out for us. And to those who do, thank you for sharing your stories.

I guess I'm not scared of actual marriage, nor the being with him forever, it's the losing my family part that scares me. I know in the end it will just be him and I anyways, but the middle, and the journey is what matters to us. Anyhow, now I'm just rambling, but I'm going to keep up to date on this because just reading everything (both good and bad) is helping me. Thanks again bees!

I am not going to tell you what you are doing is wrong or right.

Honestly, I don't know you and have no idea if I think you are ready or not. However, I would raise concern that you mention there is a reason for doing this but you don't list that reason...but rather just say "we have our reasons"....okay then, maybe you should share them with your family and maybe they will come to understand.

My sister got married when she was 18, 6 months after her high school graduation. She's 10 years older than I am....she got a divorce after 18 years of marriage and was ready for one at 6 years. My parents begged her not to marry. My parents would say that she was hell bend on it. it's been a few years since her divorce, and 21 years since the marriage. Her memory of this says that at 18 she didn't feel like she could say no. However, I remember her as happy and in love with the boyfriend. So, I am not sure if this was her way of trying erase some of her past choices but she believes that a woman and man don't really know themselves until about 25. 

I am 31 and just got married. I might argue that if you truly understand the meaning of love (my husband and I read 1 Corinithians 13 everday for 5 months before our wedding, we currently maintain this tradition) then you might be ready. Do you feel like marriage is suppose to last forever? if your partner cheats how will you respond?all good questions that I felt were important to know the answers to before I married.

Good luck.

Just know that your parents will love you no matter what, whether they approve or not. They dissaprove, in fact, b/c they DO love you. I was married at 19 against the wishes of my family, and while they dissaproved, they were there when I needed them, showing up on the porch with baby in tow. Never have they said "I told you so", or turned their backs. Parents love you, no matter what.

Recently I had to make a very heart wrenching decision. When I posed the matter to my therapst and said "I don't know what do do!?" Her response was "what's the worst that can happen?" The answer was, the worst thing that could happen is, I would be wrong. The world would not end, no one would die, I would simply be wrong, and deal wtih it. To this day it's the best advice I have ever received.

365- another older bee here and I tend towards the side of "wait until later" because that jives more with my personal experiences.  When I was 19 my main wardrobe attire was a painting smock and thought I'd marry a Beastie Boy, so I was no where near mature enough to marry, nor was it even in my radar.  I did know a couple of people who married that young, some divorced now and some still together.  No matter what age we marry, it is tough work.  Yes, I am TOTALLY different now than back when I was 19, but I know that other life experiences will change me in the future too, for example having children, my ever changing career, being a wife and so on.  We all grow and mature during different stages but still maintain some of that core who-we-are-ness through it all.

That being said, this isn't about the strength of your relationship, which sounds very strong, or your maturity, which sounds quite present.  This is about your family.  This is about you wanting them to love and support you in this big step in your life.  There needs to be some kind of exchange about this, there needs to be some kind of resolution.  I agree with the other bees about talking with them about WHY they dissaprove.  Really listen to them when they tell you.  LIstening and honoring their opinion doesn't mean you agree and will do what they say you should do.  But hear them out.  Then ask them to hear you out.  See how this goes.  Let them know why you want to marry this soon rather than wait. 

You mentioned that you plan to go to pre-marital therapy with your FI, I suggest you talk with the counselor about your family's response to your wedding plans.  This is something to work on within the context of therapy and within your relationship. If your family continues to dissaprove, you better believe it will affect your relationship, not to mention just your happiness, so this is great material for therapy. See how this helps.

Don't be too rigid in this process, be willing to balance the points of view and make a decision that really comes from your heart, about your future with the partner you love AND also about your relationship with your family.  Surely somewhere there is a place within those 2 parts of your life where you can find some peace.

 Good luck.

This may come off harsh BUT I'll say it anyway....I think if you are old enough to make a decision to get married then you should be old enough to not worry about what your parents think because you are now making a new life with your future husband and can't be a little girl who worries about what her parents think, you have to be a grown woman who makes decisions for herself.  Again, that may come off harsh but I only know how to say things bluntly. 

I'm a younger bee who got married at almost 22 to my 26 year old husband who I'd been dating for 3 years and change.

I won't give advice necessarily but just chime in with my experience. We started dating right into college... although we waited until fall break freshman year to make it official. :) We were SO crazy in love, and thought we wanted to get married June 2007. Things didn't work out money wise (my husband got offered a deal to go to college free if he wasn't married, and we decided it would be best to minimize our debt), so we postponed until December 2008. In that time, my dog died suddenly, my mom had a pretty substantial back injury and when I was home I did most of the cooking and cleaning, my dad was un(der)employed for 2 years, my church that I'd been attending since I was born basically imploded, my brother escalated his anger problems from basic temper tantrums into cussing, awful threats, and physical violence. Basically LOTS of crap. And it was good for us to wait, to wade through all the fallout together, and grow into more mature people because of it. It gave our parents time to get to know the SO better, the in-laws better, and to get more comfortable with the whole thing.

So that's my experience. And now we're married and going through ANOTHER hugely rocky time in our lives (unplanned pregnancy, trying to get into gradschool, awful jobs, insurance mess) and what came before really strengthened us to handle that. I have times where I just want to escape and think about all of the things that I could have done without the baby, without him.. and yeah, it could have been great. But I picked him, and by not being more careful about BC I picked the baby. I've got to live the best life I can by making the most of the choices I've already made.

I suppose that's the only advice I'd give, for talking to your parents, is to say that besides your grown-up life skills, you two have a commitment to each other. You're not going to run home when things get tough (at least not away from your husband.. we might be moving in with his parents later this year, heh!). I think that display of commitment will mean more to them than any display of financial savvy or "real world" life skills. Good luck!