(Closed) Young and fustrated

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ooooh, that’s tough.  It must be really hard to not have your parents support for your relationship  and future marriage.  Is there a reason the think you’re not ready for marriage besides being "too young?"   For example, if you’re still financially dependent on them, they might think you’re not financially ready for a marriage?  Or if you and your Fi have had problems in the past, they aren’t able to understand that you have resolved those issues?

If you have tried to rationally explain to your parents why you think you are ready for marriage, what you have been/will do to prepare, and why you want to get married right now instead of when they are ready for it, I don’t think anything else but time will help.  Over time, as you prove yourself to be financially, emotionally, physically, etc… prepared for marriage, I think they will become more comfortable with the idea.  Take steps (like it seems you are already doing) to prepare for the demands of a marriage, and be open with them, but it’s not a situation that is going to change overnight.   It’s going to take them a while to accept your decisions, but by showing them that you are mature enough to handle marriage, they will hopefully (eventually) accept it.  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

The problem I think for a lot of people is that you change a lot between the ages of 18 and 21…that may not mean anything for you but maybe it helps if you understand why people are so disapproving. You may be fully prepared and that’s great, but you need to sit down with those people who disapprove and ask them why? I mean people used to get married right out of high school all the time back in the day, and those marriages lasted (more often than not) forever! I think you are taking very responsible steps toward marriage, explaining these might ease some of the relatives concerns. From my personal experience, I thought I was ready to marry my BF after high school but that wasn’t the case and I’m much different now than I was then, and it’s only been 3 years! But that is me, by the sounds of it, you seem very prepared and responsible. My advice is stick to your guns, try to talk to your family and make them understand. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Honestly, my opinion is that if your families don’t approve at that age, you probably are too young.  I was 20 when I got engaged, and FI was 21, and our families were all for it.  (We’ll both be 23 when we marry).  The truth is, your families know you.  Really know you.  And they don’t have the "I adore you" wool pulled over their eyes.  I would listen to them, seriously, and take their opinions into account before I moved forward.

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

personally, if it was my 18yr old niece wanting to get married (shes now 16) i would be shaking her to get her to delay the marriage – heck, i would offer her a around the world trip and expense money to go travel and see the world to get her out of the country & away from the guy (actually i already have offered her this for her gap year after high school and before university as i think travel for young people is a must)

my thoughts are that a 18yr person is just starting their life out as an adult and there is so much to experience (life, travel, education) that i would hate for someone i love to miss out on these opporutunities not to mention them being burden with the realities of financing a home/family/education at such a young age when i obviously wish for better/more for them & their future

im not saying you are not in love or an adult making correct decisions for yourself – im just trying to give some ideas to where your family members are coming from

Post # 7
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

You won’t ever be able to make everyone happy, just remember that. Everyone will have their own opinions about it. I am in the same boat as you kind of. I’m 20 and my fiance is 24, and even though our family’s our happy for us, I am sure (more than sure as I am from a small town lol) that some people whisper about our age, whether it be about being too young or the age gap or the numerous other things people can find to talk about. People talk it’s just their nature.

As far as your family goes, if you know in your heart it is what you want then hopefully they will learn to understand that. Just make sure that when you do talk to them about it, be as "grown up" as possible about it because anything less will just be more ammo for them.

Post # 8
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm this is a toughie.  I can see both sides of the story here.  I remember when I was 18 (11 years ago!!) and in love with my high school sweetheart.  We talked about marriage and were together for 4+ years.  We ultimately went to the same college, and totally changed and morphed into completely different people!  Needless to say, we broke up and never got married.  I just think from personal experience that the years between 18-22 are the years where you really come into yourself and learn most about yourself. 

Are you and your fiance planning on going to college?  I didn’t know any married people in college, and the reason is because no one was ready to be "tied down" to such a lifelong committment.  Is it common for people in your town/city/area to get married at such young ages?  It might be a demographical thing, but most of my friends and I didn’t even feel ready for marriage until we hit our mid-late 20s!  

Lastly, what’s your rush anyway?  You have your whole life ahead of you… and lots to do and experience before being in such a committed union!   Why not have a longer engagement and still be with your fiance.  Just wait a few years… as long as you two are still together, that’s all that matters right?  And, it will make your families happy, which matters a lot too IMO.  🙂  

Post # 9
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand how you’re feeling… and nothing personal (to ddubzz) but i HATE the words "what’s the rush?" – I cringe every time I hear it! I am 21, will be 22 at the wedding, and I am getting some of the same feedback that you are. Honestly I think you can know what you want at that age, everyone is different, and yes we grow, we change, but why can’t we do that with the person we love? My argument to those people is, if you know what you want, and you are responsible enough to understand the commitment you are making then why wait?? And I’ve had to tell my Dad (who thinks we should wait until FH is out of university) that, you know what? if you think i’m making a mistake, it’s MY mistake to make! I’m not going to postpone my wedding because someone thinks I’m too young. It’s my life, my decisions, and yes, sometimes my mistakes. That’s what life is all about! I honestly feel like I’m making one of the best decisions of my life by marrying my FH. He treats me great, he’s motivated, has a great family, will have an amazing job when he’s done school, and will be an amazing father to our children someday!

Moral of the story is, just try your best to ignore them. And try my line if they’re getting on your case "It’s my life, and it’s my mistake to make."

Good luck hun, hugs comin’ your way!

Post # 10
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hon, I feel where you are coming from. I didn’t meet any issues with my immediate family, but I have had others, who maybe don’t know me and my fiance as well ask why we are getting married so young (I’ll be 22, he’ll be 25).  I think though, it can largely be a regional or religious thing. At my church, it is incredibly common to get married in your early 20’s, and it’s pretty common in my small town for people to be married/engaged and pregnant, or have children before the 5 year high school reunion! 

I think ultimately though, I wouldn’t worry about other people’s concerns, except for maybe your parents.  If your parents don’t think you are ready for marriage, whether it be for financial, emotional, etc. reasons I think you need to evaluate these concerns.  Your parents love you and they wouldn’t be worried without merit to their concerns.  

Also, I hate the opinion that if you are married you can’t continue to grow and learn and travel in your 20’s.  Your life isn’t over when you become married. I want to have these experiences with my husband, not alone. Where’s the fun in that!?

Anyways, it appears I’ve gotten off on a tanget. . .  🙂

@ddubbz – I know plenty of people going to my university that are married or engaged.  

Post # 11
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, I personally think anything under 21 is too young… but all people are different.  If you two love eachother and want to be together, what’s the hurry? I almost got married when I was 20, we called it off and we have both changed so much! (we are no longer together).  I’m not saying that that will happen, but a lot changes from 18 to 21. Seriously. Take your time! You have your entire life a head of you!

Post # 12
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Your parents have what’s best for you as their goal!  I know when I was 18 I thought I knew everything, and honestly, at 25, I’m a *completely* different person than I was then.  I’m sure your parents, having experienced the same changes, just want you to wait to make sure that as you grow a little older (and believe me, there *is* a big difference between 25 and 21), you both still feel the same way.

 

If you love each other and plan to be together forever, what’s the harm in waiting a few more years to get married so you can have the support of your families? 

Post # 13
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

First, I would like to say to all the well-intentioned bees on here — its not our place to judge. This woman is asking for moral support and advice on getting through a hard time. She isn’t asking for our opinions on whether she should be getting married. Unless someone is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, I don’t think it is our role to say one way or the other if someone should get married, especially when she didn’t ask! We are very careful to respect all different kinds of brides here – I think young brides (as long as they are of age) also deserve that same careful respect.

Okay, off my soapbox.

I will be getting married at 22, but I’m 21 right now. I’m lucky to have the loving support of my family, but my friends sometimes don’t understand. I know how stressful and discouraging it can be to try to defend your relationship. So my first peice of advice would be, STOP. Stop wasting your energy trying to prove something to your families. Unfortunately, they aren’t likely to understand just through the things you say. What’s more, this negativity and drama that I know is very upsetting certainly isn’t a good use of your engagement. You should be spending your engagement, as you said, building a strong foundation for a great, long-lasting marriage. This kind of family drama can drive a couple apart. So, for the sake of your relationship, stay focused on your happiness and your unity. By doing that, you will prove your maturity and the strength of your relationship to your parents without having to argue about it.

Basically, you may not be able to make your family see that you are ready for marraige, but by doing the right thing – focusing on your impending marriage rather than the drama – they may end up seeing it after all. But I wouldn’t make that your goal. As much as the support of family is important, what’s more important is the reason you are doing all of this. Don’t lose what you and your fiance have in trying to please others. Part of being an independent adult is making your own choices for your own reasons and taking responsibility for them rather than just blindly doing what is expected of you by your parents. Not to say they aren’t wise, but you should take ownership of this choice, and realize that its yours, not theirs, and therefore all that truly matters is what YOU think about it.

To answer a few bees who said "What’s the rush?" I will tell you what I told a friend just hours ago about my own engagement – to me, marrying my FI is an "of course". Of course I will spend the rest of my life with him. Of course I want no one else. Of course we’ll build a marriage and a family together. What else? I’m sure many of you can relate to this, though I understand we all have different relationships and come at them in different ways. For me, I know our love is true and lasting, bottom line, so I would marry him tomorrow, or I would marry him in 10 years – it honestly doesn’t make much of a difference to me. We are already fully committed. Having said that, we chose our wedding date based on what works best for us. We decided that, knowing we’ll of course be married, we’d rather be married before we live together, before we move to a new city. Since its an "of course", the question is less, "What’s the rush?" and more, "Why wait?" 

365, I just want to say that I understand, and you have my support. Be prepared, however, for a tough road ahead. The answer to the question, "Why wait?" is very different for you than for me, I’m afraid. I can’t imagine that not having the support of your parents will bode well for you in many ways, particularly financially. Don’t feel like postponing the date would be admitting guilt of some kind, or letting them win. If its the right choice for you and your future husband, then make it.

Good luck and congrats!

Post # 14
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@daniellemybelle – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Amen sista!

Post # 15
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Thanks Daniellemybelle, I was feeling the same way but wasn’t sure how to phrase it. THANKS for voicing it so elloquently!

Post # 16
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

It’s funny that the older woman who might agree with her family are getting told by the younger BTB that they aren’t being supportive. Honestly, I agree with your family. 19 is way too young to get married and you will change over the next few years and no telling where you’ll be at in life. My husband didn’t think he would ever get a divorce when he married his high school sweetheart after 6 years at 21, but 6 years later after they had grown up, they didn’t have anything in common anymore. BUT, if you are dead set on doing it, you’re just going to have to ignore all the naysayers and make your own life, etc. You’re about to become a family with your FI and it’s the two of you against the world. So, think of this as a test of how y’all work together and how you can support each other for the many years to come. Also, one thing that might help is not fighting against your parents. Sit down and talk to them and LISTEN to their concerns. Tell them you understand and then explain to them how you’re preparing to deal with their issues. Good Luck.

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